Is it possible to think too much about what other people think about you? This is a tricky subject; I think most people care about being cared about. And most people want to be liked. Granted, there are people out there that really could care less, and perhaps they are correct, but for me, I have cared too much about how people perceive me. It seems as though I have gotten so lost in caring about how people perceive me, that I have forgotten to just be me. At times, I think about everything… I think about the words I use and the reactions I have. I think about the tone of my voice, the weight of my gestures, and the style of my walk. I think about the foods that I order, the drinks I enjoy, and the topics of conversation I bring up. I think about so much that I get so distracted in my head that reality becomes distant. Sometimes, my streams of thought become so distracting that the ability to respond to the everyday stimulus of the world around me becomes all but paralyzed. But something I have not really and honestly asked myself is why. Why do I feel it necessary to do all of this?
I have come to the realization that I have allowed the negative aspects of life dominate my perspective of myself. I sometimes think that I am too gay, or effeminate. I have thought that I am not a good person because I am overweight or losing my hair. I get a little carried away sometimes in being correct, that I can become condescending. I can be somewhat bossy. These, among others, are things that society and pop culture have decided are bad or abnormal. The fact of the matter is that they are neither bad nor abnormal. They make up who I am, and I have to learn to honestly love these things about me. Yes, there are some interpersonal things that could still use some improvement, and I will continue to try, but the people that really matter will stick around long enough to know that all of it is well intentioned. But somehow, I have gotten it stuck in my head that I am nothing more than a loud overly gay fat guy that people do not like… and that is simply not true. I am surrounded by countless people that honestly and genuinely care about me and like me, but I have not truly been able to see it… until now.
I started writing this entry not to talk about the above paragraph. I was going to write another message entirely. I was starting to go down the path of reinforcing all that I believed about myself was true and that I need to work harder in changing myself so I could be liked by more people. It was going to be a step in the same direction that has led me down paths to very dark places in myself, my heart, and my mind…
You see, I have been seeing a lot of myself recently. I realize how narcissistic that sounds, but it will all make sense in a moment. I have spent a better part of the last week editing videos of a trip that my chorus, Nashville in Harmony, took last weekend. In those videos, as expected, there was footage of me. As I watched the footage of me walking, talking, waving, and just being, I had some all-too-common thoughts: “Man… I am SOOOO gay!” or “Damn… I am really big.” or “Wow! Look how shiny my head is.” I cringed. I felt terrible. I knew that I had a lot of work yet to do… but before I could continue those thoughts, something else happened; a new thought popped into my mind. I looked at myself without a critical eye and I saw a happy person. Over the weekend, I was able to just exist. I didn’t have to think about what others thought. I didn’t have to assemble a plan in my mind to make sure that the perception people have of me was within my control. It isn’t. It never was. And it really doesn’t matter. I am never going to be liked by everyone. They will have their reasons, crafted by their own lives and experiences, and they will come and go. That is okay. Normal. And, most importantly, that has nothing at all to do with me. Of course, if I were a mean or awful person, then of course it would have something to do with me, but I am neither mean nor awful. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Can I say the wrong thing? Of course. Will I make a person or two mad in my lifetime? Absolutely. But inflicting harm has never been, and will never be, my intention. A person may not like me because I am overweight. That is okay. They don’t have to, and that doesn’t mean they are a bad person. They just are who they are. Their loss. A person may hear something I say out of context and choose not to like me. That is okay. If I am of any kind of importance to them, they will come to me and we can clear the air. If I make a choice that another does not like, and it is hurtful to them, then they will just either have to get over it and accept it as the truth that I didn’t intend to hurt them, or hold a grudge and avoid me. Either way… it is not really my problem. At this point I am rambling… but all of that was just to say this:
I don’t have to overthink. I don’t have to examine and re-examine everything that I do. I have the obligation and the right to be me. As long as I do that honestly and with good intentions, then all will fall into place. Anyone that does not have the time, will, or desire to understand me cannot be rewarded the privilege of a friendship with me… and I am perfectly okay with that. It is time to stop walking on egg-shells changing my life for the sake of my perception to others and start living my life for me! The people that are supposed to be here will be, and all others, were never meant to be a part of my life in the first place.
