I have been spending a considerable time with my friend Meadow. We went to grade school together.  I really enjoy talking to her.  I wish that we had taken the opportunities in school to get closer, but we didn’t, so it’s all good.  I am just really glad that we are now.    She and I have a lot in common, and have a lot of similar issues, so it really comes as no surprise that the powers-that-be decided to bring her back into my life at this point, as I am actively changing and moving on from my demons… and she is too.  In talking to her about some things, it is like I am talking to myself.  I am telling her the same things that I should be telling myself…  and that is good.  It is also good to have someone in the same boat – someone that understands.  I am not alone in the feelings I have, and there is a tremendous amount of comfort in that, and it helps re-enforce the truth that I am not weird, subpar, or otherwise inferior to those around me simply because the circumstances and situations that make up my history have tainted my outlook for so long.  I just have dwelled on it and not moved passed it when others have.  Of course others’ lives have been different, too…  some are easier, some are harder, but they are all different and we all just have to “grow a pair,” deal with it, and move on. 

I have kinda taken a break from working out like I have.  I wasn’t going ALL that much, but some things have come up, some time has been taken away from when I would normally work-out, and a slight break never hurt anybody.  I am still losing weight, and I am still eating SO much better than I ever have…  so it is all good.  It is not the end of the world if I do not work out for a couple of weeks.  I plan on going back on next Monday.  We’ll see how it goes.   So far, though, according to my scales this morning, I have lost a total of 48 pounds so far.  I started at 274 lbs on Nov 1, 2009 and today, I weight 226.  I am SO proud of that progress and I know that I will continue that momentum.  I think that when I hit 50 lbs, I am going to have a party. and eat!  Heck… I will have earned it.

Nashville in Harmony is still going well.  We finished the promotional materials for the most part, and the poster is at the printer, so that is good.  Just a few more tweaks to work out, and we will be all done.

I have decided to stop sharp-blogger.  I came to this decision after realizing that I was just re-inventing the wheel.  I think that I am going to morph sharp-blogger from a blog system to a C# blogging programmer’s reference where I, and others, can collaborate on C# projects.  Heck, I may just make Sharp-Blogger my site for technology blogs.  IDK.  I know that I am going to split out bretthperkins.com and brett :: open source.  Maybe I will move brett :: open source to sharp-blogger?!  Anywho, I am going to use the ‘Blog Engine .NET’ framework as my primary content management system and build a custom site around that.  It will be significantly less work with an identical payoff, so it is a win-win.

With that, it’s now pretty much 1:00 so I should get back to work.  I’m playing in Info Path.  And it kinda sucks.   BUT… it is work… and I wanted work.

-=brett=-

Like… I understand and accept that I will change moods.   That is fine, but I am having a really hard time accepting the severity and speed with which my moods change.  I can’t say with any certainty that there is anything new in these mood swings, or if they have always been there and I am just now paying them attention, but either way…  They need some work.  I noticed on Saturday, for example, that I was feeling great, went to get Kendra, spent time with her and most of my family, and was really happy.  Then, on the way home, I started to feel kinda down…  but nothing really major.

On Sunday, it was about the same, actually…  I woke pretty happy, had lunch with Kendra (Hey, this window is transparent!), and then went to Jozoara.  My mood changed between lunch and JoZoara, then got better again as I headed into Nashville for rehearsal.  I was pretty happy.  I was happy all the way until I got home…  Then I had dinner.  That’s it!!!

It is triggered by food.  Ah, I love blogging!!  For so long, I have been fat.  Yes, I know that there are fatter people out there, and yes, I know that being fat isn’t the worse thing in the world… anywho, moving on…  I have been fat.  And I have loathed myself for it.  I hated myself.  I feel like I should write in here that this is not about to be a “Woe is me – cry me a river – sad story.”  I am going somewhere with this.   Anywho…  because I hated myself, I continued to just be who I was because no matter what, I there was never anything I could do about it.  No matter what I would just be fat.  And I was internally so hard on myself.  I was so angry that I could not make the changes necessary to make a better me, and I was so mad at the world for placing so much emphasis on looks.  In the real world, or at least in my perception of the real world, fat people were not worthy of being loved, so I did not feel all the love that was around me every day.  Anywho, all that is to say that all of those feelings of neglect, abandonment, pity, anger, jealousy, and hate festered in me and grew so strong that I was no longer stable.  Anything would set me off.  Sure, I could control it for a while, but eventually, it all came up and came out.  Ask any of my friends… I can blow up like Mt. St. Helen’s.  (Btw, I still have all of these friends, so clearly the feelings of abandonment and neglect are irrational…  clearly I have never been alone, and I have always been loved!) Anyway, so how does all of that relate to how this bog started?!  Well…  it is a vivid truth that there is usually only one way to become fat (barring medical conditions) and that is to eat bad foods and stay sedentary.  So in my mind, those bad foods are a very real, tangible manifestation of those terrible emotions that have existed in me for SO long.  I have worked so hard to purge myself of all of this negativity that, emotionally, eating those bad foods is like I am eating neglect, abandonment, pity, anger, jealousy, and hate.  And when I eat them, I feel them…  and my mood changes!  Of course, what is wrong is my association of those foods to emotions, not the fact that I ate those foods.  There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with having those foods as long as they are not your norm.  They have to be the exception.  (And they are so, so yummy!)

I have never really understood the importance of a “cheat” day until this moment.  It is not about the food!  It is about allowing me freedom.  Freedom to understand that I am not perfect, that I am going to do things that are not healthy.  And you know what?!  All of that is perfectly ok!!!  I am not going to magically gain back the 43 lbs that I have already lost because I had one bad day!  The important thing here is that I have committed to a lifestyle of health, and in that health is not only nutrition and exercise.  It is in the mind. I know that if I can lose 43 pounds in 18 weeks, and if I can maintain a 2-per-week gym routine, and now jog 2 miles when I could barely walk up more than 3 flights of stairs, then I can have one bad day a week without feeling bad about it.

I cannot continue eating yesterday’s hate, in doing so, I will never be able to enjoy today’s love.

-=brett=-

Now, let’s examine that scenario in ‘HomoVision’.  (It’ll catch on).  Imagine that I am sitting at a coffee shop table, or perhaps I am in line.  What happens when I see a guy that catches my eye?  Well…  externally, nothing…  There is too much fear.  I can’t immediately smile *like that* at him.  Why, he may not be gay.  At the moment I see him, instead of acting naturally, I am forced to truly analyze the situation…  I have to watch him, study him…  Look for hints.  Sure, I can say hello, I can shake his hand… but I can’t flirt, I can’t send *those* signals.  Unlike when a gay person is called straight, a straight person being called gay is almost always considered an attack or insult, and there is never really any good way of knowing how that person will react.  Will they get mad?  Will they laugh?  Will they beat the ever-living-Jesus out of me?  I can never know.  So…  That is it.  Nothing happens.  It ends there.  I mean, sometimes you can REALLY tell if a person is gay…  As we have put it before, some gay guys walk around on a cloud as skittles fall out of their butt with each step…  but hell, even then there are doubts:.  Afterall, Richard Simmons says he is straight. *clears throat while rolling eyes*  So you see where I am going…  It is TOO hard to really be myself.  I cannot convey the emotion of liking someone and I dare not  flirt unless, somehow, I already know they are gay.

So where does that leave me?  Well, for security’s sake, that leaves 3 places that I can find gay people without fear.  But with each of those places, there are inherent problems.  Maybe the problems are my perception, maybe they are not my perception at all.  At any rate, I have issues:

1. Online: While I dare not claim that ALL people online are only looking for sex, it becomes very clear that MOST of them are… so when I talk to people on there, I am skeptical.  With every “Hello” I ask myself if they really want to talk or do they just want to “hook up?” So I cannot really carry on a real conversation.  It seems like they all NEVER want to go out and meet somewhere…  and 60% of them have pictures on the site that are, shall I say, not “lady like.”  So it would appear that finding real quality people, honestly, is out of the picture here.  Moving on…
2. Bars/Clubs: At least here, I get to see real honest to goodness people in the real world.  The only bad part is they are all drunk and it is incredibly loud.  Any chance at a real conversation is slim and the odds are, too, that the other person is looking for sex and nothing else.  There seems to be a lack of real quality here.  And, similarly to the online thing, I am immediately skeptical of any guy because I cannot know their true intentions.  Of course, I suppose that I am not supposed to know their intentions…  Taking a risk is part of the game… I get that… but really!?  Why does it have to be game?!  Srsly…  moving on.
3. Pride Events and/or Gay Oriented Community Groups: While I find it very admirable that people have the strength and the courage to be “in your face” about being gay…  that is not my style.  Don’t get me wrong, I will fight when I need to fight, and I will stand up for me and others to injustice and hate, but I do not believe that it is appropriate to make EVERYTHING about being gay then be in your face about it.  I do not like any movement that thrives off of confrontation.  I dislike groups like the NAACP for this reason as well.  We can all get along, and we can all make our points, without being confrontational or over the top.  Anyway, back to the point at hand…  the people at the events, or in these groups, are usually WAY over the top and have such a chip on their shoulder I will never have know what to expect from any situation.  I will wind up arguing or defending more than loving the person, so finding love there is pretty much a no-go, unless I am ready to wave a banner and dress in drag.

So there it is…  I don’t really know what else to do or where else to go.  Although, as I am writing this…  I am beginning to think that there may be a “me” aspect to all of this as well.  I am analytical by nature.  I try to figure stuff out and I think… constantly.  Maybe I am just over thinking each scenario?  Maybe the answer here is to just do my thing and let sh!t happen.  I guess I really cannot be so ready to assume what others are like strictly on the environment.  And maybe I should be open to taking more risks?  Who cares if I smile at the straight guy?  Who cares if the cutie-hot-oh-my-GOD-guy just wants sex?  I will find out all I need to find out with time… THEN make the decision.

All I know is that, so far, all of this thinking has left me in one place, and one place only:

In a coffee shop.  Scared.  And Alone.

-=brett=-

It’s always strange. I’ve had a lot of people work for me, and I’ve found out it’s a funny thing that you give them Saturday and Sunday off, and they work so hard to get to those two days and those are the two days that they totally destroy themselves. I mean, you know you think to yourself, you say, “My goodness, I’ve really pounded these people and worked to them to death.” And Friday comes and they say, “Yeah!” And then they come in Monday…

[he makes an expression that looks like he's exhausted and upset]

… and say, “Boy, am I glad to be back here. I’m no good on my own. I was given two whole days and I just went crazy.

That was totally me.

Friday was the “Drag Party” at Patrick and Malakai’s…  and it was AWESOME!!!  The girls did great and it was a good bunch of people.  The event on Facebook said that this was the first “Annual” drag show…  I hope that’s not true.  I don’t want to wait another year!    I went into the party, at first, feeling a bit…  old.  I am 27, and while I do not believe that is old, I know that it may seem so when you are at a party where the next oldest person, Eric, is 24, and everyone else is like 18-22.  So yeah…  the good news is that I got over that pretty quickly.  It was a really fun time, and I am glad that I went.

Saturday was Chris’s 21^st Birthday party.  We got there (Eric and I) at like 8:00 and started hanging out, watching some comedy, then we all played “The Game of Things…”  Firstly, if you have not played that game, I REALLY encourage you to get it.  It is one of the best games I have played in a really long time!!!  It is SO fun, and it is really something you can play with just about anyone.  We drank, we played Karaoke Revolution, and listened to music.  It was good times.  A little TOO good for some *wink* and well…  that was that.  Eric and I headed home at like 1:00.

I got up kinda early on Sunday…  Sunday’s are important, as they set the tone for my whole week.  I grocery shop, do laundry, and just get ready for the coming week.  So I did that then I met up with Lindsay, Chris, and Brian at Mimi’s Café for lunch.  That was good times!  I then headed to Panera at Green Hills (I got it right this time) to meet Eric T. for a NiH publicity meeting.  I showed him around a new site I am working on for the group then we headed to rehearsal.  By this time, I am EXHAUSTED!!!  I could barely keep my eyes open during rehearsal.  I was on auto-pilot.  Thank God we didn’t do the song that features Kristin and I singing duet.  It would have been bad.   After rehearsal I headed to Opry Mills to meet Meadow for dinner.

Meadow, the alto formerly known as Kim, is a friend from grade school.  I have known her about as long as I have known Kendra, but we are not nearly as close… at least yet.  I do, however, see the potential here for re-kindling this friendship.  I firmly believe that people come into and out of your life at the right time(s) for all the right reasons.  Meadow is having what I will call a life awakening.  She is happier than I can ever remember and I am so thrilled for her and the direction that she is going in her life!  We are making plans to hang out again and I have invited her to Game Night this Friday.  I hope that she can make it!

Anywho…  that about sums up my weekend and it certainly was a weekend for the books! 

Here’s to a great week ahead!!!

-=brett=-

It starts with a typical night. I am at my place in Murfreesboro, or I think that it was my place. I can’t really remember… it felt like my place. With a loud and scary bang and scream, I realize that we are all in trouble as we look out the window into utter chaos and turmoil. I flee the confines of my home and see what is going on outside only to find myself alone in a field with only my car. My friends are nowhere in sight and all that surrounds me are zombies. The gross, broken, blood spitting “Resident Evil” or “28 Days Later” type. So… I get in my car and drive. I hit several zombies before getting onto a road, which was surprising clear. You would think that there would be abandoned cars and bodies laying about, but no… just a clean drive through the country. I then, to my left, see a house that is rather old, not scary old just old, and it was fortified. It looked promising, so I drive up and attempt to go it. There is a large wooden gate with barbed wire on the top to prevent climbing, and the entrance, as expected, was chained shut. To get in, though, I had to get out of my car and walk up to this speaker box that looked like it had been stolen from a McDonald’s and adapted to work here. It even had a screen, although my order did not pop up. It just stayed blue. :p I began to yell into the box, and a voice similar to Dane Cook during the Burger King skit spoke through. I convinced them that I was not a zombie and they let me in.

This bunch of people was very interesting. What was strange is that it was all guys (woo?) and all younger than 30 (another woo?). Anywho… we began to hang out, and we all took turns fighting off the zombies that made it through the fence. The dream then entered a weird kind of time-warp-esque thing where I knew that several weeks had passed. The odd thing is that there was still electricity and water. No TV of course, but the Internet worked, although most sites were messing up because no one was tending to bugs and errors. Anywho. Probably due to the movie Zombieland, the climax of the dream was when we all had to band together to defeat Bill Murray. Yeah… i know. Anywho… it took FOREVER to beat him!!! He would not die… again. We finally got him and then the dream was over.

I wish I could remember more details… I know more happened. oh well. :p

-=brett=-

So, yesterday, in boredom, I decided to peruse my old blog on Myspace…  this is where I wrote everything before I made bretthperkins.com.   Well…  I learned a lot about me.  I learned that I have changed, but I have stayed the same.  Lol.  Ok, that makes no sense, you say…  and I would agree.  But I have to say that the parts of me that have changed needed change, and the parts of me that stayed the same are things that I don’t think need change.

My blogs on MySpace span a time from Winter 2005 to Fall 2008.  It was a good time in my life, but you would not know it to read all of the sad, emotional and angry postings!  It was a time when I was finishing school and meeting great people.  It was a time where Wal-Mart sent me to Kimball, and I began work at Deloitte.  In reading what I chose to write, I realized that this is where I have progressed the most.  I find that I do not dwell on things like I once did.  Yeah, things bother me still… I am alive!  But they are not as debilitating as they once were.  I also now pay attention to much more of the positive in life now than I did then.  Anywho…  I can go on forever, so I will just stop there and say that it is interesting none-the-less, and I am happy with my progress.

I decided that I only wanted to keep a few things from that blog.  A lot of that blog was meaningless rants anyway, so I grabbed up a few blogs about some great events (Cedar Point and some Birthdays) as well as all of my poetry, and ported them into this site.  I am likely going to cancel my mySpace account…  I never use it, and I am on a quest to simplify my life.   We’ll see.

In a show of support and solidarity to Eric, I dusted off my glasses.  He has to wear glasses for a week or two while his eyes heal from a complication from wearing contacts too long.  Because of the glasses, he was self-coconscious.  I have not worn my glasses for longer than an hour or two in several years, so this is interesting for me.  Everything looks smaller in my glasses. (Which is a great thing when I look in the mirror! Lol) Anywho, I also miss my peripheral vision.  With glasses, only the 80% of the world directly in front of your eyes gets focused.  The 20% around the rim is still a hot mess!  It is all good, though.  I kinda miss myself in glasses.  I wear them well.  Maybe I will start wearing them more often.  *shrugs* I dunno.

I was beginning to feel really guilty at work.  I literally do nothing… and I don’t like it.  I ask for things to do, and there is nothing, when I am tasked, I do the work well and quick…  then I am back to nothing.  However, I have settled on the fact that as long as I ask and as long as I perform when I am tasked, I am doing just what they want me to be doing.  On a weekly basis, I ask my manager if I am doing what I should be doing and she confirms that I am… so I should be fine.  It is a great lesson in learning how to live life and not plan or stress.  I am just going to keep doing what I do.  When they need me, they will tell me.

-=brett=-

Posted on my Myspace blog on May 31, 2007.

-=brett=-

With arms opened wide, I felt an embrace
As all of my tears were wiped from my face
The harshness and cold that made up my soul
Replaced with fulfillment, at last I was full

For the first time in years, I really felt good
With beautiful sound around where I stood
I was lost in the moment as I looked around
I am no longer missing.  For here I am found

For those that may not have been reading, I decided that I was going to really take 6 months to a year to work on some things that I perceive to be areas in which I can improve.  This includes weight, attitude, patience, temper, fitness, and confidence.

Weight Loss and Fitness

So the weight is continuing to roll off at the same rate (about 2 lbs per week).  This makes me happy…  So I’m gonna keep that up.  Weight training starts next week, I think…  Just need to set up an appointment with a trainer to get me going.  I have not decided if I am going to get a personal trainer on a full-time basis or just use the 2 or 3 free visits I get with my gym membership.  My friend, and former co-worker, Heather has a trainer and she says it makes a huge difference, so we’ll see.

I had a personal milestone last Wednesday!!  For the first time EVER in my life, I was able to jog, comfortably, for 1.5 miles without slowing down or stopping.  No pain, no discomfort, and my heart rate stayed in the 160 area where it should be.  When I first started going to the gym in November, I jogged once for like a minute and my heart rate rocketed up to 180 and I was in pain.  I was like…  WTF?!  But now, 3 months later, and 38 pounds lighter, I can do it!  It is real, measurable progress.  I can’t wait to tonight.  I am going to push for 2 miles.

Attitude, Patience, and Temper

This one, I think, is making progress.  I just need help from friends on this because sometimes, I am not sure when I am giving attitude, so a few of them I have asked to kind of poke me or alert me when I am doing it so I can fix it.  Eventually, it will all go away, hopefully.  Of course, I have a strong and sarcastic personality, so sometimes that is mistaken with attitude…  and I have no plans of changing my personality, so anyone that can’t distinguish them will just have to learn me or get over it.

I know that there is a lot of pent up anger in my system, and so these three things are really hard to deal with until that anger is gone and I become comfortable expressing myself when things bother me…  and I am getting better at that.  Just gotta keep it going and make sure that when I express when things bother me, I do so in a way that is not off-putting. 

Where does the anger come from, though?  That one is a far more complicated.  I think that it stems from some childhood stuff (see confidence below for that) but I want to say that it goes beyond that.  Maybe it doesn’t… you know… I just don’t know.  I have not really been successful in the relationship department, so there is some frustration there.  I really don’t think that I am good enough for anyone, which is a symptom of my lack of confidence, but then, when people do come along that show interest, I become too picky.  Because I am not confident in myself, I clam up and get all nervous when talking to the person, then they don’t get to see the real me.  I also see how things work with friends of mine that seem to have this forward facing idea or relationships with this “double-standard” reality.  I don’t get it.  Don’t get me wrong, I have made my share of mistakes and bad decisions, but it’s so frustrating that I am trying to go slow when no one else expects it.  It is so confusing!  A friend will tell me that he has a crush and wants to just hang out, they make plans to hang out, cuddle, whatever, and they just rush right into sex.  I guess I am too honest?  If I say that I just want to hang out and get to know someone, that is what I do… and when I don’t take them to the bedroom, then they never call back!  Ah….  I am such a girl.

And why will people not text me back… or text me first?  I have to start everything!  I am worth the effort to text back and I am worth the effort to call.  But no one ever does.    That’s okay, though.  It’s more efficient to find out now that they aren’t interested then 3 months from now.

Oooh!  I think that I found the anger.  I don’t feel like I am worth anything because people don’t really treat me like I am when it comes to dating.  When I start liking someone and they reciprocate the interest, I have this expectation that maybe they are thinking about me.  They will text me or call me.  But it is rare that the person actually does.  I have to push and push to get anything, and that is not right.  I should not have to push!  And I am not going to anymore.  If I have to put forth THAT much effort and the other person is not, then clearly, they are not interested, so why am I wasting my time and emotions?  It’s not worth it!  It should come naturally.

Confidence

What the hell is wrong with me!?  Why don’t I have confidence?!  Well, I actually know the answer to this one:  history.  Sometimes it takes a shrink to help you figure this one out, but I think that I got it.  It is something with which I have always struggled.  It stems from a life of being the fat kid, the nerdy kid with glasses, the kid people made fun of, and the kid people would befriend.  Only when they would befriend me, I would later, almost always, find out that they are all being nice only to my face.  Behind the scenes, they were saying really bad things about me.  That causes me to really lose trust.  So in new groups, it takes a minute to come out of my shell…  and it takes a really long time to really begin to trust someone.

Of course the confidence issue is not only present in interpersonal relationships with friends and boyfriend types…  it is everywhere.  I am a really good singer, and I am confident in front of my friends, but when I get in front of people that are new, like Nashville in Harmony, I lose all confidence and my voice suffers.  It’s because I don’t trust them, and I do not want them to talk about me behind my back, so I try to do only good enough to NOT get talked about…  the only problem is that this works…  too well.  Sure, they don’t talk about how bad I was, because I wasn’t bad. But because I held back, I did not make a positive impression either, so I sabotaged myself.  That stops right now.  I picked up on that last night at my audition.  I did well, but only because Don, the Director, told me I was being too plain and that I should style it up some.  After he said that, I got more comfortable, did my thing, and it was good.  At least they told me it was really good.  We’ll see when they post the results. 

This confidence thing happens at work too…  and now that I am typing this, I see that it is the same exact thing.  I don’t want people to talk about me… so I don’t give them any material.  Fuck it.  I am smart, I have great ideas, and I should be proud to express them.  So I shall.  I did at Deloitte and it got me far.  Of course, there is another angle to this one, which is do I want to be more vocal about things.  With speaking up comes more work, and I have to say that I am enjoying the peace and relaxation.  So maybe I will just keep my thoughts to myself a bit longer here… but just take pride knowing that I really am just as smart, if not smarter than them.

Ah… another thought….  I compare myself to others TOO DAMN MUCH!!!  Why do I do this?  Why, after I have been told MANY times my MANY people that I do it, do I continue!?  This makes no sense.  I am me, and that is it.  There is no one else that I can be, so why try?  I compare EVERYTHING!!  My mannerisms, my intelligence, my friend count on Facebook, my weight, my hair, my clothes, my apartment, my computer… everything.  And for what?  It is certainly not making me happier.  Well… some of it is.  I get happy when I perceive that my stuff is better.  But why does that matter?  It is just stuff!  Doing this makes me seem like an arrogant douche.  For so long, I have gone on with this idea that I am inferior and that everyone is better so I have to ALWAYS one-up someone.  I have to win.  And, while, a competitive nature is not always a bad thing, there is a time and a place.  So that has to stop now too.

Looks like I have a list of the next few things to improve upon.

1. I should care what others think, yes… but I have to be myself while being myself.  That way, what others are thinking will be about the real me, and not some mask.  Those that don’t like me… don’t have to.  I’m still awesome.
2. I just need to go with the flow, mostly.  Why do I have to stick to a plan for everything?
3. I really need to let go of the past.  And maybe with this blog entry, I will have started that process.  *waves goodbye*
4. I have to stop comparing me to everyone else.  I am going to be better at some things and worse at others.  Nothing wrong with that.
5. I have to stop re-enforcing the idea that I am inferior by liking guys that believe that I am inferior.  Those people are in the wrong, and I am not subject to their prejudice or assumptions.
6. I need to tear down my emotional wall.  The only emotions I convey are happy or angry.  With the occasional sadness/loneliness.  There are so many more.

Wow… I feel a TON better. 

I can’t wait to hit the gym this evening then finish watching American Idol.  Or… if something comes up, I can’t wait to do that either.

-=brett=-

Of course, we all miss Paula, and we will all miss the constant and, at times, awkward interactions between her and Simon, but I do believe that it was time for a change.  Paula, while popular and fun, did not offer any insight to the contestants, and was never more than a playful side-kick for the much more serious judges Randy, Simon, and as of last season, Kara.  With that said, I do credit her with making the show successful, as I believe that it would have had a harder time without her.  We love you Paula!  No doubt!

Moving onto a bigger, brighter, and much more serious Idol, we have Ellen.  Of course, you may ask:  “What kind of insight can Ellen offer?  How can you claim that the show will be more serious when Ellen is a comedienne?  Ellen does not have any music background, so what will she be able to tell the contestants?”  To the person that may ask these questions, I say to you that your questions are valid, I share them, and here are my hopes for those questions:

What kind of insight can Ellen offer?

Well…  I think that she can offer a lot!  Let’s look at the judges:

• Randy is a music producer, writer, and bass player, and he sufficiently represents the industry.
• Kara is a singer/songwriter with a great deal of experience and represents music/talent.
• Simon…  I am not sure what Simon does, honestly, but his opinions are important, if at times rude, and he is usually “spot-on” in his criticism.  The truth hurts, but he does it with charm and poise.

Now let’s look at Ellen.  Ellen is the embodiment of current.  She is in, she gets the public, she knows how to connect with the viewer, and more than anything, she represents US!  No, I do not mean the gay community…  I mean the consumer.  She represents what America will like and what America will buy.  That is very powerful insight, in my opinion, and something that I think the show has been lacking.  It is easy to say you sing well or you sing poorly…  it is not as easy, I think, to hear something and say, “That will sell!”  Of course, I am not advocating that we lose sight of talent for the sake of money, but let’s be real for a moment… whether you agree that it is right or wrong, the market, for now, is about what will sell first, with talent trailing behind.  (I for one would like talent to be more important, but that is not what is happening.)

How can you claim that the show will be more serious when Ellen is a comedienne?

Because Simon is mean.  Okay…  what was Paula’s job on the show?  Make people laugh after Simon burns them.  Well, maybe that was not her ‘job’ on paper, but that is what she did…  Time and time again.  Their little fights and her comments and mannerisms (clapping above her head) were necessary to release the tension.  I don’t know about the contestant, but I always felt nervous when Simon was mean, and I can only imagine that the contestant felt a million times worse.  This was the good thing with Paula.

The only problem was that people perceived her as ditsy and unimportant.  When she spouted off nonsense, we just said, “Oh Paula…” and moved on.  Sometimes, she really offered great insight and advice, only to be ignored as a result of perception.  This was unfortunate, and I believe this partly led to her departure.

But more serious with Ellen, you say?  Yes.  I say!  Ellen is more than capable of breaking the tension, and she is coming into this show not from the B-list, where Paula lived prior to Idol, but from the A-List.  She is well-known, current, intelligent, and respected.  Will she be a comic? Yes…  but people will ACTUALLY hear what she has to say…  and this is a GREAT thing, in my opinion.

Ellen does not have any music background, so what will she be able to tell the contestants?

As I mentioned in the first question’s answer, I believe that she will be able to offer some of what you or I may think or say to the contestant, and as we have seen so many times, the contestant will be able to hear from the consumer if their art will sell, or if they have work to do.  Very talented people, I believe, have not done well because they were allowed to succeed at Idol without the public’s opinion only to release their art and fail because it was not in the form the public would adopt.  This is a terrible disservice to very talented people.

So there you have it… This is what I think.  I, for one, think she has great potential, but only time will tell if Ellen will be the great success on Idol she deserves to be.

-=brett=-