Brett H Perkins - Murfreesboro, Tennessee

To Hate is To Fail

bretthperkins — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:20:14 +0000

While driving to work today, I heard a story on NPR detailing a plan by the government in Russia to outlaw any acknowledgment of the existence of homosexuality. This, of course, includes Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered and Questioning people. The reasons, as stated by NPR, are to prevent child sexual abuse and exploitation. I, for one, agree completely that laws should exist to protect children from predators (of any kind), but I fail to see the connection between homosexuality and child sexual abuse. Of course there are examples of men that abuse boys, *cough* the Catholic Church, and there are instances of undoubtedly straight men abusing girls. Likewise women abuse boys, and women abuse girls. Child predators come in all genders and sexual orientations. It is a weak argument, and a discriminatory and ignorant stance, to infer through legislation that the problem exists solely on the grounds of sexual orientation. Now, what hit me most was another part of the story where it was reported that the United States State Department called on Russia to abandon this law and respect the rights of the minority. Why does this hit me especially hard? Because I live in Tennessee. In this state there is a similar bill before the state House of Representatives that makes it illegal to acknowledge homosexuality. The “Don’t Say Gay” bill is, if not as strict as its Russian counterpart, equally ignorant, bigoted, and discriminatory. Our own government will speak out against such laws in another country meanwhile in our own country examples of the same kind of hate are being legislated today! It is outrageous.

The reasons many people give for the existence of such a bill are that it “cheapens” the family and is morally corrupt. Moral by whose standards? The standards of a system of churches that accepts people that cheat on their wives, beat their children, abuse their altar boys, become alcoholics, make other terrible choices, etc… It is unacceptable to be held by standards that allow those people to make poor choices, of which they have full control, while those in the GLBTQ community are shunned, bullied, and otherwise oppressed not for making a choice but for existing. It is no more a choice to be gay as it is a choice to be white. I did not choose either of those things for myself, nor did any other person on this planet make any choice about who they are. These things are present from birth.

Another reason people give for anti-gay legislation is that it is somehow an attack on their religion. To them, I say you are suffering from delusions of grandeur. There is no supreme religion on the planet. Period. There may be a majority, but that majority does not somehow make it a mandate to impose a system of beliefs onto the other citizens that happen to believe in other things. These same people that believe that it is acceptable to legislate from the Pulpit also cry foul when other religions try to pass laws based on their religion. Sharia law, or Muslim Law, is very strict, and some countries in the world actually obey these laws. That is their choice as a country… and it is none of our concern. Let’s focus on this country, founded on the beliefs that all people are created equal with the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

In those three items alone, promised to me by my forefathers, is all the argument I need to make the case that any stance against homosexuality is morally corrupt based on the principles of our country. I am promised life. That right is taken away from me, and the children that are GLBTQ, when people of faith torture those that are gay to the point that the only way for them to escape is suicide. Where is the promise of life there? I am promised Liberty. Liberty is the belief that, within reason, I am allowed to choose, behave, and exist in a way that is right for me… and only me. My prime obligation is to myself. And I am promised the right to pursue happiness. For many people, the idea of meeting someone they love and marrying them is one of their goals in attaining happiness. Of course marriage and relationships do not solely make a person happy. Some people are very happy single. The point is that you are supposed to have the right to do whatever makes you happy. Laws that prohibit my search for happiness, like those that ban gay marriage, are not what the founding fathers intended. These kinds of laws are wrong. It is not complicated, it is not unclear, and in fact, it is quite simple.

So what is the problem? Why is it such a big issue that I want to marry another man? How does that make any other marriage less important? If society becomes completely open to gay marriage, we are not going to suddenly have a surge of gay. It is not some magical switch that will instantly turn all men gay. It just doesn’t work that way. There will always be gay people and there will always be straight people. That is a fact of nature. Homosexuality exists in most species on Earth. It is not a human choice or human invention. It is a part of nature. What is a choice is how you choose to deal with your religion when dealing with other people. You can choose to act out and hate people while holding your Bible or Qur’an, as so many people do. Or you can take to heart what these religions actually teach and accept your neighbor for who he/she is, love them, and live peacefully. In the eyes of humanity, to hate is to fail. History has shown us that time and time again. Put down the books, put down the knives of language and law, and once and for all live peacefully with your neighbors. In the end, that is really all we want.

In Transition

bretthperkins — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 15:41:23 +0000

I lived in Murfreesboro, with roommates, for the last 8 years, but because I work in Nashville and I increasingly find myself spending more and more time in Nashville (for various reasons), I decided it was time to make the move. So I did. The move began last Thursday… In record time, I am unpacked and settled into my new place. It is now less than a week later and I already have my boxes unpacked, art on the walls, furniture and décor arranged, and utilities/cable/Internet turned on. I wanted to quickly get my apartment ready for friends and guests… because I know that I am going to need them. Almost my entire social support system is in Murfreesboro. My closest friends are now all 45 minutes away… Of course, in the grand scheme of things, 45 minutes is not THAT far… but it represents a significant change for me, and it is a change that scares me. Of course, I am now a lot closer to some of my family, and that is helpful, but despite how much I love my family, I cannot get from them what I need from my friends.

It is such a change… I am astounded by what all I miss. I miss the sound of the door opening downstairs knowing that Eric is home. Each time, I would get this happy and excited feeling like a puppy when its owner comes home. (I realize how weird that may sound as I am not Eric’s pet, but it is the best analogy I could come up with.) I also miss coming home to him sitting on the couch, laptop open, watching Drop Dead Diva or some other show… and I miss completely hijacking his show just to talk or go get dinner. I miss Marco’s Pizza. :p I miss calling up any number of people for random trips to the movies or a restaurant. I am going to miss my frequent breakfasts with Victoria at Mimi’s Café. I miss the dinners with Joseph, Caleb, Brian, Medardo, Jenn, Chris, or Lindsay. I miss JoZoara. I am going to miss the trips to Lanes, Trains, and Automobiles for karaoke and bowling. It is like I left part of my heart in Murfreesboro. I feel the absence of those pieces of me that are still in Murfreesboro. I feel it in the pit of my stomach.

When I come home… everything is still exactly where I placed it. There are no surprises. Nobody to stand behind the door and jump out at me, like Eric often would, to make me jump only to get keys thrown at them so hard that it leaves a bruise. There is no one for which I can cook or bring home dinner. There is no one to drink with randomly on any given day… just because. I will miss the random shots of Jack Daniels that would just appear (from Eric) next to my glass of coke or something… :p And I could go on and on forever.

Everyone that I have talked to about living alone, though, has told me that I will grow to love it, and they are probably correct. I like the cleanliness and the order… I am slightly OCD. :p I like the quiet, although sometimes it is so quiet that it, ironically, becomes deafening. I like that I can just do my own thing, invite a person over and not worry about scheduling things around a roommate. I can have a date in my own place without the awkwardness of someone else being there. Over time, I am sure that I will realize that what I like will outweigh what I miss… I can’t wait until that time comes, as I imagine that living will be a lot easier then. But for now, I am in this awkward transitional place filled with mixed moments of complete sadness, pride that I have arrived to a place in my life where I no longer need a roommate, utter comfort and relaxation, fear that things will never be as happy as they were, excitement that the future will be even better, and all things in between…

Brett

I Want to be More Proud of Pride

bretthperkins — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 23:06:03 +0000

While the arguments against homosexuality are many, and include religion’s condemnation, that it is against nature, or that it somehow damages children, the one biggest problem we face is a self-deprecating and internally propagated stereotype. Among many, if not all, of the people that have issue with the existence of homosexuality is an idea of what gay people are. They believe we are nothing more than sex-craved men, usually with minimal clothing, that take to the streets once a year to flaunt a lifestyle in the faces of world. We dress in drag, party all night, and then we go home. With only that image from which to draw a conclusion, it is no surprise that we are not taken more seriously.

Imagine that you are in a courtroom. The case is robbery. On the stand is an eye-witness to the crime. In a suit and tie, with a tearful and emotional testimony, he captivates the jury with his tale of survival and horror as the events of the crime unfolded. Every breath he takes, and every sentence he forms is serious, real, and with meaning. Now imagine that the person giving that testimony was dressed as a clown. What was once a captivated jury is now an impatient panel of 12 people that gloss over with every word this man speaks. While his testimony does not change, the perception of the person does which in turn alters the message. No one can take this witness seriously in a clown suit… he is a joke.

To a lot of the world we (gay people) are a joke. We are figuratively the punch lines… And sometimes, tragically, we are literally punch lines. Our messages cannot be heard. No one can see past the mask of the makeup to hear that we are very real, very hurt, and very serious. Why? Because all the world knows about is festivals like the one going on as I type this today in Nashville. Today is our annual Gay Pride Festival. While, in spirit, I am 100% behind what I believe to be a very well-intended message, our delivery is a miss. Pride is defined as “a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one’s position or character.” But our pride is filled with drag queens and half-naked men prancing about the river-front for only a few hours one day a year. That’s it. That is all we can organize ourselves to do. To be fair, I am being very general here, and I know that there are very real motives and messages being delivered. I also know that what I just mentioned does not represent 100% of those in attendance at the festival. I am not that naïve. What causes me the most trouble is that the motivation for many of the people there, unfortunately, is not to advance a cause or educate the world on the wrongs done to our people. The motivation is attention. It is sex. And it feeds right into the hands of those that would love nothing more than to continue not taking us seriously.

It may seem to some like I just do not get it, or I do not like the festival. To be honest, I have not a single a problem with the festival. But that is all it is: just a festival. What I have a problem with is that this seems to be the only day that people, in bulk, give a shit about what is going on. And this saddens me. Now, I feel compelled to state that I know that there are many organizations that attempt to advance causes all days of the year and I applaud you and join you. But the overwhelming majority, as I have observed, simply do not care… until days like today.

Picture, for a moment, a world where all of the people that went to a pride festival sat in a courtroom where two men/women cannot marry. We could make an impact. What if we all went to the capital and peacefully demonstrated to them that we do not think that it is wrong to say gay? What if we fed the starving, showed compassion to the homeless, or stood in solidarity with any of the other groups that, like us, face adversity? Maybe then we would find ourselves in the company of groups that would see us for more than they have been able to see us thus far. Maybe then we can be taken seriously enough to have our message heard. Maybe then would we deserve “what is due to oneself or one’s position or character…” When we only give the world days like today, it comes as no surprise that this is all the world sees. Pride is not about today. Pride is not about a parade, or drag queens, or sex, or parties. Pride should live in your heart, move with your actions, and change the world.

Pride can be every day.

A Step in the Right Direction

bretthperkins — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 04:53:36 +0000

Is it possible to think too much about what other people think about you? This is a tricky subject; I think most people care about being cared about. And most people want to be liked. Granted, there are people out there that really could care less, and perhaps they are correct, but for me, I have cared too much about how people perceive me. It seems as though I have gotten so lost in caring about how people perceive me, that I have forgotten to just be me. At times, I think about everything… I think about the words I use and the reactions I have. I think about the tone of my voice, the weight of my gestures, and the style of my walk. I think about the foods that I order, the drinks I enjoy, and the topics of conversation I bring up. I think about so much that I get so distracted in my head that reality becomes distant. Sometimes, my streams of thought become so distracting that the ability to respond to the everyday stimulus of the world around me becomes all but paralyzed. But something I have not really and honestly asked myself is why. Why do I feel it necessary to do all of this?

I have come to the realization that I have allowed the negative aspects of life dominate my perspective of myself. I sometimes think that I am too gay, or effeminate. I have thought that I am not a good person because I am overweight or losing my hair. I get a little carried away sometimes in being correct, that I can become condescending. I can be somewhat bossy. These, among others, are things that society and pop culture have decided are bad or abnormal. The fact of the matter is that they are neither bad nor abnormal. They make up who I am, and I have to learn to honestly love these things about me. Yes, there are some interpersonal things that could still use some improvement, and I will continue to try, but the people that really matter will stick around long enough to know that all of it is well intentioned. But somehow, I have gotten it stuck in my head that I am nothing more than a loud overly gay fat guy that people do not like… and that is simply not true. I am surrounded by countless people that honestly and genuinely care about me and like me, but I have not truly been able to see it… until now.

I started writing this entry not to talk about the above paragraph. I was going to write another message entirely. I was starting to go down the path of reinforcing all that I believed about myself was true and that I need to work harder in changing myself so I could be liked by more people. It was going to be a step in the same direction that has led me down paths to very dark places in myself, my heart, and my mind…

You see, I have been seeing a lot of myself recently. I realize how narcissistic that sounds, but it will all make sense in a moment. I have spent a better part of the last week editing videos of a trip that my chorus, Nashville in Harmony, took last weekend. In those videos, as expected, there was footage of me. As I watched the footage of me walking, talking, waving, and just being, I had some all-too-common thoughts: “Man… I am SOOOO gay!” or “Damn… I am really big.” or “Wow! Look how shiny my head is.” I cringed. I felt terrible. I knew that I had a lot of work yet to do… but before I could continue those thoughts, something else happened; a new thought popped into my mind. I looked at myself without a critical eye and I saw a happy person. Over the weekend, I was able to just exist. I didn’t have to think about what others thought. I didn’t have to assemble a plan in my mind to make sure that the perception people have of me was within my control. It isn’t. It never was. And it really doesn’t matter. I am never going to be liked by everyone. They will have their reasons, crafted by their own lives and experiences, and they will come and go. That is okay. Normal. And, most importantly, that has nothing at all to do with me. Of course, if I were a mean or awful person, then of course it would have something to do with me, but I am neither mean nor awful. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Can I say the wrong thing? Of course. Will I make a person or two mad in my lifetime? Absolutely. But inflicting harm has never been, and will never be, my intention. A person may not like me because I am overweight. That is okay. They don’t have to, and that doesn’t mean they are a bad person. They just are who they are. Their loss. A person may hear something I say out of context and choose not to like me. That is okay. If I am of any kind of importance to them, they will come to me and we can clear the air. If I make a choice that another does not like, and it is hurtful to them, then they will just either have to get over it and accept it as the truth that I didn’t intend to hurt them, or hold a grudge and avoid me. Either way… it is not really my problem. At this point I am rambling… but all of that was just to say this:

I don’t have to overthink. I don’t have to examine and re-examine everything that I do. I have the obligation and the right to be me. As long as I do that honestly and with good intentions, then all will fall into place. Anyone that does not have the time, will, or desire to understand me cannot be rewarded the privilege of a friendship with me… and I am perfectly okay with that. It is time to stop walking on egg-shells changing my life for the sake of my perception to others and start living my life for me! The people that are supposed to be here will be, and all others, were never meant to be a part of my life in the first place.

Let us sing on… ’til victory is won!

bretthperkins — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 05:59:55 +0000

Pure… unimaginable… emotion. Somber reality. Power. Faith. All of these can be used in an attempt to capture what I felt as I stood on the hallowed ground that is the 16th St. Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama. But the truth is that there are simply no words. Whether it was by chance or by some higher plan, today, a gift was placed into our hearts. That gift cost nothing, it was merely an act of kindness by a perfect stranger. The plan, originally, was to only sing on the steps on the front of this building… but a newly found friend of Nashville in Harmony had access to the church and let us in. In that moment, I felt as though I was connected to our nation’s history, humanity’s history. It was here on September 15, 1963 that a coward, or group of cowards, in the name of hate chose to place a bomb that would detonate that Sunday morning and murder 4 girls and injure dozens of others. This was during the height of the Civil Rights movement. While I cannot ever know what it feels like to be Black, and I can never fully understand the profound nature of the events that took place here and in other places of my country, I can respect it. I hold the same truths sacred that so many brave men and women died defending. These heroes paved the way for those of us that still struggle with oppression and adversity. In school, I learned about the events that transpired during the 1960’s. I have heard the story of Rosa Parks, I know about Brown vs. the Board of Education. And I know and accept as truth the immortal words of The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It was a terrible, yet inspiring time in our history. But I get it now. I understand how it connects to me… to us…

There are few things in life that I can say really change me. Today… was a life altering, eye-opening day. As I began writing this, I looked up the full transcript of Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream Speech.” In it, after paying special attention with my newly discovered passion and perspective, the following passage struck me as especially relevant today in relation to the struggle that the gay community, my community, continues to face. It speaks directly to the heart of why we decided to come here today. “We have […] come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy.” Digest that. Read it a few times. Understand it. I see in that passage that it is not okay to say to ourselves in the face of adversity and oppression, at least for today, that we are “Okay.”

We are not okay!

While our government continues to assert that two men or two women cannot be wed, we are not okay.

While we are beaten and threatened simply for existing, we are not okay.

While children are bullied and harassed simply for being their own unique and beautiful selves to the point that they feel so terribly wrong that they take their own life, we are not okay.

While the State of Tennessee tries to remove completely the acknowledgment that gay even exists in the so-called “Don’t Say Gay” legislation, we are not okay.

There is no time to plan change for tomorrow. There is but today. In each day all we have is today. We owe it to ourselves as descendants of the people that founded this country to continue to fight, and exhibit strength, and stand up for the things in this world for which a stand is warranted. Freedom, if nothing else, warrants a stand. Gandhi puts it most succinctly: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” It is as simple as that, my friends…

“We who believe in freedom cannot rest.”

On the floor of the sanctuary of the 16th St. Baptist Church we sang these words. And as the words and our music flowed from us into this sacred space, I couldn’t help but feel the tremendous power and emotion that resonated around me. I felt as though the world was speaking through my heart that we were in harmony with our brothers and sisters of the Civil Rights movement. We, as fighters of the Gay Rights Movement, must keep fighting. To stop, or remain complacent, would mean that those that gave their lives in the name of what we all believe in: freedom, acceptance, and equality, would have done so in vain. We must continue to push the boundaries. We must continue to march on… and we must continue to use music to build community and create social change.

Let us sing on… ‘til victory is won!

Unsettled.

bretthperkins — Sun, 29 May 2011 02:37:51 +0000

Unsettled.
As my ground is shifting… shaking.
Unsettled.
With the plans I have been making…
It’s foolish and naïve to think that living would be easy.
Each day I’m up my worlds change… Can’t help this feeling… queasy.

Unsettled.
With irony I find…
I’m unsettled.
As these thoughts race through my mind.
With each new day I see my life continue rushing by…
So fast that I don’t have the time to say “Hello, Goodbye?!”

Unsettled.
In all that I’ve become.
Unsettled.
As it seems the time has come.
To acknowledge that I’m holding on to life’s realities
Instead of leading with my heart into love and fantasies.

Unsettled.
In seeking out the truth.
Unsettled.
I’m trapped in thoughts of youth.
Those days have come, and more still will… after all I’m not dead yet.
But I’m living life in yesterday and my focus is regret.

Unsettled.
With each new breath… new blink
Unsettled.
Exhausted now I think…
About the days that lay ahead… The journeys yet to be.
That require me to let all go… my friends… my family

I settled…
Perhaps that’s what I did?
Just settled…
Had no courage left to bid.
‘Cause what I thought was tongue in cheek was really there for me.
How could I miss the life-love of possibility?

Unsettled.
But now I have my time.
Unsettled.
Is an awesome frame of mind!
To motivate and put in motion awesome things in me.
To get me to a place my heart has always longed to be.
Unsettled.

A Long Needed Purge…

bretthperkins — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 00:25:45 +0000

It has taken me a long time to come up with this latest blog post… I have tried many times to write what I am feeling, but each time, I am distracted by one thing or another. My feelings about everything right now are so complex, so conflicted, and so deep that I have not really been able to connect to them. I am distant. It is a distance not only within me but also around me. It is to the point that my friends have begun to notice and comment. It is nothing that I am doing deliberately, and if there were a way that I can just reach down to the deepest parts of my psyche and flip a switch, I certainly would… but this, as with many parts of enlightenment, is not easy.

I guess everything stems from one thing… I am not really where I want to be in life. And, frankly, I need to get over that. I have a terrible habit of thinking only about what I don’t have and not on what I do have, and I award victory to this negativity. Maybe one day I will be able to just be happy with what I have, but until then… I will just have to keep trying to wear my smile. It is far easier to answer, “Fine, thank you!” to the question of “How are you?” than to actually tell people that, at times, I feel as though I am slipping away. Wow… that was dramatic. :p The reality is that I am likely not REALLY slipping away. More realistically, I am just aware now more than ever of how utterly unhappy I have allowed myself to become. There is no excuse for this. Of course, me being me, I have not only had to entertain, internally, the idea that I am not happy but also try my damnedest to break it down into its various simple components. This constant analysis is emotionally and mentally taxing to the point where I only have a fraction of my consciousness left to live day-in and day-out. I find myself sometimes so overwhelmed with myself that the slightest of glitches in my day cause me to become a frustrated, almost angry person that even I would not want to be around… then 15 minutes later, I will be so at peace with everything in the world that nothing at all could remove a smile from my face. In those moments, I find that I am the most pleasant and most calm. I strive to find how those moments come about so I can train myself to only allow those moments to happen. It is in those moments that I find beauty in rain, order in chaos, and joy in the silence. I love those moments.

So… what is it, exactly, that makes me unhappy? I have given this a lot of thought… and a recurring answer is an overwhelming sense that the world has simply done me wrong. There is a sense, either real or perceived (more than likely perceived) that no matter what I do, it is never enough… and that no matter how much I give to others, financially, physically, emotionally, or otherwise, the desire from others to repay, or make up to me, all that I have done does not exist… this a very hurtful and dark place to call home. And the minute I reach this conclusion, I sink a little bit deeper and go a little bit further away from all that I call dear. In this feeling, all I can see are the endless faces of those that I have called friends, whom have taken from me… then departed. In an episode of The Cosby Show, Theo was given an opportunity to be on a hot new dance show. This opportunity he wanted to share with his best friend Cockroach (Walter), but ultimately it could only be had by one of them. Theo and Cockroach discussed what was going to happen, and ultimately, Theo insisted that Cockroach be on the show. In the end, Cockroach took the opportunity. Theo was the reason the opportunity existed in the first place, so he felt a sense of entitlement to the opportunity. When Cockroach took that from him, he became angry and felt betrayed… Where am I going, you ask? At the end of the episode, Claire (Theo’s mother) confronted Theo about why he was so angry with Cockroach… Claire, being awesome as usual, submitted to Theo that he should be angry… but not at Cockroach. He should be angry with himself. She told him that next time, he should only give because he really wants to give and not give because he expects something in return. This is a lesson that I really need to learn… or apply to how I react or what I expect. For some reason, though, I always wind up here… in this void. I feel like a door. I am there to let people through, and I am there to hold people back, but as life goes on, I see the people that I care about move on while I just swing about. I want to be one of the people moving on.
Enter conflict… because as I type this, I see parts of my life where I really have moved on. I graduated college, I am successful in my career, and I am not hurting for anything that I want or need. It is almost selfish of me to want more… but it is not in the material world that I want. It is an emotional need. I have always felt somewhat disconnected from my emotions… Perhaps this is due to a tragedy in my childhood, it could be from bad experiences in school, or it could be nothing at all. When I feel like I need to cry, I hold it in. I am stronger than that. I don’t need to cry. When I need to talk, I usually start, but become so conflicted in how I feel that within 3 sentences, I have talked myself away from the problem yet the problem still exists. It is almost a self-fulfilling curse. I say that I want people to give to me and be there for me, but I do not allow myself to be weak. The squeakiest hinge gets the oil, but I don’t squeak. Now lately, I have been getting better. I have been talking and feeling more, and I put myself out there… I allow myself to be vulnerable, so maybe that is a start. But I still have this desire for more… for something to fill this void.

Anyway… I could ramble and blog and type all night long… but must stop. I do feel better having typed this out.

Metaphors Galore

bretthperkins — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 02:41:35 +0000

The door now closed, forever will be

Turn around to see what there is too see

Dwell not within the path that’s end

Has come and left you here

About your face! Go t’ward the place

That’s waiting for your entrance

For locked you’ll find the world behind

The path you’ve long since taken

If on the trail you catch your tail

Then all your goals have missed

For in the end, your life, my friend

Should always keep it hidden

As the season changes… So do I.

bretthperkins — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 15:03:10 +0000

I am not sure what it is about Autumn, but a rush of old feelings always seem to come at me with the falling of that first leaf. I don’t know if it is because of the weather and the cool, of the shortening of the days, but something always gets me. I become a much more somber person in the Fall… which is strange because I love this time of the year. Some of my best memories come from this season. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Fall Break (in the past)… it would all be so wonderful, yet I am here, with emotion… Fall. It is a time that I associate with fun and celebration, yet I feel as though I am missing something. Something is not here. If only I could figure it out, I could move on… anywho…

I believe that I have been sick the last few weeks and was too busy to notice. My throat has been hurting for a while, and my ears have been sore and “poppie.” I believe that I have had a mild ear infection and now that work has calmed somewhat, and Nashville in Harmony has done it’s thing for this mid-season event, I can relax. I began to really feel everything on Saturday night. Through the concert, I had to drug myself up to make it, and that night I crashed… hard. Sunday was not so bad… I was just tired all day. Last night was okay, too, but that was because of Aleve and Dayquil. Today on the other hand, I find myself fading… fast. So I think that after our meeting this morning here at work, I am going to head home and complete my work-day there. I will more than likely stay there tomorrow as well, so I can take meds and get over this crap. I know that I am running a temperature today, and I am not the person that wants to make an entire office sick. Only 8 people work in this office, so if I make more than me sick, then the consequences would be disastrous.

On a side-note: I am finally making progress on my “sharp-blogger” project. You may remember me talking about this site that I was going to build to chronicle my technical life. Well, that site is finally coming together. I am working on its design this week and possibly into next. Once I get it where I want it to be, I am going to begin building out its contents. I am going to start with a series of introductory coding articles designed for newbies. That will allow me to make sure that I REALLY know these concepts and make it easy for me to point people to good information.

And on that note, my clock now reads 10… gtg to a meeting!

See you later.

-=brett=-

A Three Course Update… :)

bretthperkins — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 16:35:06 +0000

My oh my!!! Have I been busy!!! The last few weeks have been quite interesting, busy, and full of change. Apparently, I do not like it when things stay too consistent.

Where to begin? Me, of course!!! I have been quite relaxed with myself when it comes to diet and exercise. As anyone who follows me on Facebook or here on my little site knows, I have struggled with weight, and I continue to struggle. I have to say that the last year has seen the most change for the better than any other year, and I am quite pleased with where I am. I am 50 pounds lighter, and while I have not lost any more weight in the last couple of months, I have not gained anything significant either, so I am content. Honestly… I dropped weight really quickly. It was right at the limits of what is considered healthy weight-loss. I went from obese to moderately overweight (according to the experts that use the incredibly accurate (but pointless) Body Mass Index (BMI)). After going to the gym for 6 months at a frequency of 3 times per week and consuming only lean meats, whole grains, and the occasional sugary coffee (excluding, of course, my now famed “cheat day”), I needed a break. I needed to be flexible with myself. I needed to say, “It’s okay to go out with friends! Eat that pizza! Have some General Tso’s Chicken!” So I did. And naturally, I gained a pound or two… but what I noticed is that, with the exception of pizza, I could not eat like I used to. I couldn’t clean the plate. I was full on less, I enjoyed vegetables more, and I had habits of choosing smarter foods. My food lifestyle had actually changed!!! I am now to the point where I can maintain which means I am no longer afraid to commit to losing the remaining weight. If there is one thing that any once-fat (or once-fatter) person can tell you is that there is one fear above all others that can control your weight destiny: the fear of gaining it all back! Why waste the time, effort, and money on losing weight when you know, or at least think you know, that you will gain every single ounce of it back?! (and then some…) I was happy eating bad food; I loved the taste, smell, and texture of fried chicken, pizza, burgers, Chinese take-out, pasta, burritos, etc… but I was not a happy person when I put on the XXL shirt or size 40 pants. So a choice was made. I want to be a happy person when I look at myself. I think that is more important. Anywho, I am rambling… all this is to say that because I know now that my food lifestyle has been irrevocably altered, I am no longer afraid to commit to the remaining loss because I no longer fear gaining it back. I am now in full control, both consciously and subconsciously. I am at 224 lbs… exactly 50 pounds smaller than I was last November… and I have stayed here since June. Come January 1, I will weight 190 lbs. I have 34 lbs to lose. It is time to get serious and get going.

Next on the menu?? Work! (yay! Food reference!!)

So, I decided to quit Kroll. My last day with them was last Monday, and on last Wednesday, I started working at a small healthcare information service provider named ‘eDoc4u’ which is short for “Electronic Doctor For You.” We offer a service to guide people in making smarter health choices based on information and counsel provided by doctors. Today was day 5 and I have to say that I can already begin to feel the culture shock. It is small… REALLY SMALL… Any given day there are less than 10 people in the office. I am on a team of 2 developers and an architect. I sit two doors down from the CEO and I am so close to the product, clients, and administration that I am both scared and excited by the potential impact I can have on this business. I like what they do… and I love that I am getting in here when they are making long-term decisions on how to do it better!!! I have learned that while I felt overworked and overwhelmed at Deloitte, I really, REALLY liked making a positive change in the direction of that team and that business. When the time came for me to wrap those changes up, and I decided to move to Kroll, I thought that all I wanted was an 8-5 developer job where I worked on various items, tickets, and issues with a team without much visibility into the bigger picture. My main role was not to make an impact… it was to be a part of a team where no one really made an impact. And, for some, that is a great fit… some people enjoy being in the background and love just being a fixture in the process. But that is not me. I want to make a better process, I want to make an impact, and I crave attention. I want to be noticed, I want to make decisions, and I want to lead a team in more than just the “big picture.” I want to build a bigger picture. Now, admittedly, I am not as skilled a software engineer as some of my current and previous colleagues, but what I AM really good at is learning… and I learn quickly. I learn not just the words and the definitions, but the context and the intent. Why as opposed to how; concept instead of syntax. And I love applying those concepts and whys in a way that might challenge the status quo. And when I see that my ideas really make a difference, and I can start achieving success with my ideas, I have a great sense of pride. Not because I “did” something but because I “started” something. I know today that a lot of the ways I did things live on at the Walmart where I was once employed. Workflow and process at Deloitte that I crafted are still being used… and both of those facts make me very happy and proud. And I can’t really say that about my work at Kroll. Sure, I made a good application there that they are still using, but it did not change anything. It did not make things better the same way my changes at the other places made things better, and I think that is why I never really felt at home there. As silly as it seems, I felt right at home at Walmart. I knew the business like no other, and I was good at what I did. At Deloitte, while what we did was new to me at the time, I learned that business quickly and really got good… then I made an impact. I felt truly at home… like I belonged there… like what we did was an extension of me. I did not belong at Kroll. It is too early to tell whether or not I will like what is going on here at eDoc, but I can tell you this: The opportunity to really make an impact on this company is right there for me to take, and I plan on taking that opportunity… and that brings me tremendous comfort. I just hope that the story of “Brett and eDoc” is a collection of books and not just another short-story.

And the final course… (anyone else hungry now?)

Guys… or more specifically one guy. Because this is a public blog, I will keep this pretty generic, but what I will write is that I had one of the best first “dates” I have ever had last night. It was less a real “Will you go on a date with me?” “thing” but after the evening got going, it certainly began to feel that way. While it is too early to tell how I really feel, I can say that there were the beginnings of emotions that I had long forgotten about. He and I went out to dinner, talked a lot, went to get a drink at a café, talked some more, stopped at a hookah bar, talked even more, then took a relaxing stroll at the park, talking still. The things we have in common are too numerous to list, and the universe seemed to approve of the pair. The weather was beautiful, warm with a nice breeze, clean, clear, and quiet. And the end of the night was a moment the likes of which might be seen in a classic Disney fairy-tale (lol… fairy). The evening ended precisely at 12:00 AM with a kiss… as the bells at Vanderbilt rang in the distance.

And that is all I got. That should get you up to speed with me and where I have been the last few weeks since my last post.

I am looking forward to this weekend… several close friends and I are planning a trip to Gatlinburg. Can’t wait!!!