You see it all the time in movies, on T.V., and to some degree within your circle of friends. THAT person walks into the coffee shop and your eyes meet, then you smile, and if the other person smiles back and stay glued to your eyes, you know that this may go somewhere. Of course, it may go nowhere. You never know… The point is that when you see it, you know it. Here is the problem, though… This sequence of events is only easy for straight people. Allow me to explain. When you are straight, all you have to do is be yourself and if someone of the opposite sex smiles at you *that way*, then you know. There is usually no question, and regardless of what some may claim, the overwhelmingly vast majority of people are straight, so the likelihood that the person to whom you are smiling is straight is probably high. There is relatively no risk. And if, by chance, that person is not straight, the worst that will happen is an awkward laugh and a good-bye. Usually, a gay person is not offended if they are called straight.
Now, let’s examine that scenario in ‘HomoVision’. (It’ll catch on). Imagine that I am sitting at a coffee shop table, or perhaps I am in line. What happens when I see a guy that catches my eye? Well… externally, nothing… There is too much fear. I can’t immediately smile *like that* at him. Why, he may not be gay. At the moment I see him, instead of acting naturally, I am forced to truly analyze the situation… I have to watch him, study him… Look for hints. Sure, I can say hello, I can shake his hand… but I can’t flirt, I can’t send *those* signals. Unlike when a gay person is called straight, a straight person being called gay is almost always considered an attack or insult, and there is never really any good way of knowing how that person will react. Will they get mad? Will they laugh? Will they beat the ever-living-Jesus out of me? I can never know. So… That is it. Nothing happens. It ends there. I mean, sometimes you can REALLY tell if a person is gay… As we have put it before, some gay guys walk around on a cloud as skittles fall out of their butt with each step… but hell, even then there are doubts:. Afterall, Richard Simmons says he is straight. *clears throat while rolling eyes* So you see where I am going… It is TOO hard to really be myself. I cannot convey the emotion of liking someone and I dare not flirt unless, somehow, I already know they are gay.
So where does that leave me? Well, for security’s sake, that leaves 3 places that I can find gay people without fear. But with each of those places, there are inherent problems. Maybe the problems are my perception, maybe they are not my perception at all. At any rate, I have issues:
- Online: While I dare not claim that ALL people online are only looking for sex, it becomes very clear that MOST of them are… so when I talk to people on there, I am skeptical. With every “Hello” I ask myself if they really want to talk or do they just want to “hook up?” So I cannot really carry on a real conversation. It seems like they all NEVER want to go out and meet somewhere… and 60% of them have pictures on the site that are, shall I say, not “lady like.” So it would appear that finding real quality people, honestly, is out of the picture here. Moving on…
- Bars/Clubs: At least here, I get to see real honest to goodness people in the real world. The only bad part is they are all drunk and it is incredibly loud. Any chance at a real conversation is slim and the odds are, too, that the other person is looking for sex and nothing else. There seems to be a lack of real quality here. And, similarly to the online thing, I am immediately skeptical of any guy because I cannot know their true intentions. Of course, I suppose that I am not supposed to know their intentions… Taking a risk is part of the game… I get that… but really!? Why does it have to be game?! Srsly… moving on.
- Pride Events and/or Gay Oriented Community Groups: While I find it very admirable that people have the strength and the courage to be “in your face” about being gay… that is not my style. Don’t get me wrong, I will fight when I need to fight, and I will stand up for me and others to injustice and hate, but I do not believe that it is appropriate to make EVERYTHING about being gay then be in your face about it. I do not like any movement that thrives off of confrontation. I dislike groups like the NAACP for this reason as well. We can all get along, and we can all make our points, without being confrontational or over the top. Anyway, back to the point at hand… the people at the events, or in these groups, are usually WAY over the top and have such a chip on their shoulder I will never have know what to expect from any situation. I will wind up arguing or defending more than loving the person, so finding love there is pretty much a no-go, unless I am ready to wave a banner and dress in drag.
So there it is… I don’t really know what else to do or where else to go. Although, as I am writing this… I am beginning to think that there may be a “me” aspect to all of this as well. I am analytical by nature. I try to figure stuff out and I think… constantly. Maybe I am just over thinking each scenario? Maybe the answer here is to just do my thing and let sh!t happen. I guess I really cannot be so ready to assume what others are like strictly on the environment. And maybe I should be open to taking more risks? Who cares if I smile at the straight guy? Who cares if the cutie-hot-oh-my-GOD-guy just wants sex? I will find out all I need to find out with time… THEN make the decision.
All I know is that, so far, all of this thinking has left me in one place, and one place only:
In a coffee shop. Scared. And Alone.
-=brett=-
That’s okay, though. It’s more efficient to find out now that they aren’t interested then 3 months from now.
FML :: To The Tenth Power
Posted by bretthperkins on February 6, 2010
I do not know where to begin with this one, so the beginning will do… I had a FAIL of epic proportions today, largely my own fault, but the world was not helping either!
So, in my desire to contribute, I joined the Publicity Committee for Nashville in Harmony, and today was the first, and most important, meeting. So I, of course planned to attend. I read the email that the committee leader sent and made plans to head to the meeting place, Panera Bread. The meeting was slated to begin at 3:30 PM on today (Saturday, Feb. 6, 2010) and I left Murfreesboro at about a quarter to 3:00 to make sure I will have time to get there. I was headed to the Panera at Cool Springs. So, about thirty minutes later, I got to Cool Springs, and thought that I was going to be on time. Yeah… NO! Not at all. Driving in Cool Springs is a bit of a DiSASTeR!! I spent most of the time waiting at a green light because the lights are timed all wrong… There is too much traffic and not enough time to let the streets empty sufficiently, so people run the light and get stuck in the intersection… And if that was not bad enough, the lights are SO close together, and it appeared as though NO ONE in Franklin decided to coordinate the lights so that when one lane turns into a road, the light ½ a block down stays, or turns, green. No… as soon as you turn, the next street’s light turns RED, thus trapping even MORE people in the intersection. *GOSH!* Anywho, when I was actually moving, I could not do anything because everyone, including me at this point, is so frustrated that they are willing to speed and cut people off just to get OFF of the road. So I fought with that, too. So, needless-to-say, I missed the entrance to the Panera. So I thought that I would just hit the next road, turn around and head back. NOPE!!! Apparently, there was a hurricane coming because there was SO much congestion on the roads, I knew that it had to be because they ordered an evacuation of the area. There can’t possibly be THAT many people out shopping… we are in a recession. So I could not turn around! At this point I am 10 minutes late. So, I drive ALL the way around the mall to another road, get turned around, and get back to the Panera. I walk in about 20 minutes late… and NO ONE IS THERE!!! I was like… “Hmm, I guess everyone else had problems, too… I will just wait a minute.” After another 5 minutes, I think that something is wrong, and then I recall that the email said that it was the Panera “IN” in the mall. So I get all frustrated at myself and leave the Panera to go to the mall, only to find out that there is NO Panera Bread IN Cool Springs Mall… So now I am REALLY confused. I go back to Panera and wait another few minutes, this time, bringing my laptop in and re-reading the email. I grab a coffee, because I believe that if you are going to use a place’s facilities (bathroom, sink, internet, etc) you should really be a paying customer, and I sit down. I hop onto Gmail and check the email. At this point I am both confused and angry, because now I was thinking that they either cancelled the meeting or moved it and neglected to tell me. I get to the email and read, intently, to see if I missed anything or read something wrong… and… I did…
The next words out of my mouth, loudly, in public, were “Fuck My Life!!” People looked up, laughed, and went about their business… See… when I re-read the email I discovered that the Panera IS in fact IN the mall… Yeah… It is in GREEN HILLS MALL!!! I am at the WRONG freaking mall!!! At this point it is 4:00… and I am CRAZY late. I pack up in a jiffy, hit the car and hit the road.
I did like 100 on the way to Green Hills, and once I got to I-65, it only took 14 minutes to get to Green Hills. I am like… whew, I will only be an hour late. Well, no… not at all… I get to the Mall at Green Hills only to find out that there are literally NO parking places in the ENTIRE mall parking lot!!! I drove for another 10 minutes before I finally said to hell with this. I pulled up to the valet and had them park for me. By the way, if you EVER go to Green Hills Mall, don’t try to park. Just valet. It’s free.
Anywho, I get to the meeting at a little after 5:00. (1.5 hours late) Thankfully, they were all still there. I walked in, told a brief version of my story and we shared a hearty laugh. I was CLEARLY distraught about the entire ordeal, and I was very much ready to explode, but it got better once I realized that it was not a big deal. We discussed stuff, they caught me up, and all was well. As it turns out, they were all varying intervals late, too, so it was all good, but I was still very happy that it was over.
Onto the meeting: We decided that I am doing graphics and print publications! *woot* that is what I wanted. I will also be writing stuff for the website and talking to the webmaster about that tomorrow.
Conclusion:
“I am going OUT… because I deserve to go out. And I’m going to get DRUNK… because I deserve to get drunk. And get outta my way!!” -Bill Cosby
-=brett=-
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