Is it possible to think too much about what other people think about you? This is a tricky subject; I think most people care about being cared about. And most people want to be liked. Granted, there are people out there that really could care less, and perhaps they are correct, but for me, I have cared too much about how people perceive me. It seems as though I have gotten so lost in caring about how people perceive me, that I have forgotten to just be me. At times, I think about everything… I think about the words I use and the reactions I have. I think about the tone of my voice, the weight of my gestures, and the style of my walk. I think about the foods that I order, the drinks I enjoy, and the topics of conversation I bring up. I think about so much that I get so distracted in my head that reality becomes distant. Sometimes, my streams of thought become so distracting that the ability to respond to the everyday stimulus of the world around me becomes all but paralyzed. But something I have not really and honestly asked myself is why. Why do I feel it necessary to do all of this?
I have come to the realization that I have allowed the negative aspects of life dominate my perspective of myself. I sometimes think that I am too gay, or effeminate. I have thought that I am not a good person because I am overweight or losing my hair. I get a little carried away sometimes in being correct, that I can become condescending. I can be somewhat bossy. These, among others, are things that society and pop culture have decided are bad or abnormal. The fact of the matter is that they are neither bad nor abnormal. They make up who I am, and I have to learn to honestly love these things about me. Yes, there are some interpersonal things that could still use some improvement, and I will continue to try, but the people that really matter will stick around long enough to know that all of it is well intentioned. But somehow, I have gotten it stuck in my head that I am nothing more than a loud overly gay fat guy that people do not like… and that is simply not true. I am surrounded by countless people that honestly and genuinely care about me and like me, but I have not truly been able to see it… until now.
I started writing this entry not to talk about the above paragraph. I was going to write another message entirely. I was starting to go down the path of reinforcing all that I believed about myself was true and that I need to work harder in changing myself so I could be liked by more people. It was going to be a step in the same direction that has led me down paths to very dark places in myself, my heart, and my mind…
You see, I have been seeing a lot of myself recently. I realize how narcissistic that sounds, but it will all make sense in a moment. I have spent a better part of the last week editing videos of a trip that my chorus, Nashville in Harmony, took last weekend. In those videos, as expected, there was footage of me. As I watched the footage of me walking, talking, waving, and just being, I had some all-too-common thoughts: “Man… I am SOOOO gay!” or “Damn… I am really big.” or “Wow! Look how shiny my head is.” I cringed. I felt terrible. I knew that I had a lot of work yet to do… but before I could continue those thoughts, something else happened; a new thought popped into my mind. I looked at myself without a critical eye and I saw a happy person. Over the weekend, I was able to just exist. I didn’t have to think about what others thought. I didn’t have to assemble a plan in my mind to make sure that the perception people have of me was within my control. It isn’t. It never was. And it really doesn’t matter. I am never going to be liked by everyone. They will have their reasons, crafted by their own lives and experiences, and they will come and go. That is okay. Normal. And, most importantly, that has nothing at all to do with me. Of course, if I were a mean or awful person, then of course it would have something to do with me, but I am neither mean nor awful. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Can I say the wrong thing? Of course. Will I make a person or two mad in my lifetime? Absolutely. But inflicting harm has never been, and will never be, my intention. A person may not like me because I am overweight. That is okay. They don’t have to, and that doesn’t mean they are a bad person. They just are who they are. Their loss. A person may hear something I say out of context and choose not to like me. That is okay. If I am of any kind of importance to them, they will come to me and we can clear the air. If I make a choice that another does not like, and it is hurtful to them, then they will just either have to get over it and accept it as the truth that I didn’t intend to hurt them, or hold a grudge and avoid me. Either way… it is not really my problem. At this point I am rambling… but all of that was just to say this:
I don’t have to overthink. I don’t have to examine and re-examine everything that I do. I have the obligation and the right to be me. As long as I do that honestly and with good intentions, then all will fall into place. Anyone that does not have the time, will, or desire to understand me cannot be rewarded the privilege of a friendship with me… and I am perfectly okay with that. It is time to stop walking on egg-shells changing my life for the sake of my perception to others and start living my life for me! The people that are supposed to be here will be, and all others, were never meant to be a part of my life in the first place.
A Three Course Update… :)
Posted by bretthperkins on August 24, 2010
My oh my!!! Have I been busy!!! The last few weeks have been quite interesting, busy, and full of change. <sarcasm> Apparently, I do not like it when things stay too consistent. </sarc>
Where to begin? Me, of course!!! I have been quite relaxed with myself when it comes to diet and exercise. As anyone who follows me on Facebook or here on my little site knows, I have struggled with weight, and I continue to struggle. I have to say that the last year has seen the most change for the better than any other year, and I am quite pleased with where I am. I am 50 pounds lighter, and while I have not lost any more weight in the last couple of months, I have not gained anything significant either, so I am content. Honestly… I dropped weight really quickly. It was right at the limits of what is considered healthy weight-loss. I went from obese to moderately overweight (according to the experts that use the incredibly accurate (but pointless) Body Mass Index (BMI)). After going to the gym for 6 months at a frequency of 3 times per week and consuming only lean meats, whole grains, and the occasional sugary coffee (excluding, of course, my now famed “cheat day”), I needed a break. I needed to be flexible with myself. I needed to say, “It’s okay to go out with friends! Eat that pizza! Have some General Tso’s Chicken!” So I did. And naturally, I gained a pound or two… but what I noticed is that, with the exception of pizza, I could not eat like I used to. I couldn’t clean the plate. I was full on less, I enjoyed vegetables more, and I had habits of choosing smarter foods. My food lifestyle had actually changed!!! I am now to the point where I can maintain which means I am no longer afraid to commit to losing the remaining weight. If there is one thing that any once-fat (or once-fatter) person can tell you is that there is one fear above all others that can control your weight destiny: the fear of gaining it all back! Why waste the time, effort, and money on losing weight when you know, or at least think you know, that you will gain every single ounce of it back?! (and then some…) I was happy eating bad food; I loved the taste, smell, and texture of fried chicken, pizza, burgers, Chinese take-out, pasta, burritos, etc… but I was not a happy person when I put on the XXL shirt or size 40 pants. So a choice was made. I want to be a happy person when I look at myself. I think that is more important. Anywho, I am rambling… all this is to say that because I know now that my food lifestyle has been irrevocably altered, I am no longer afraid to commit to the remaining loss because I no longer fear gaining it back. I am now in full control, both consciously and subconsciously. I am at 224 lbs… exactly 50 pounds smaller than I was last November… and I have stayed here since June. Come January 1, I will weight 190 lbs. I have 34 lbs to lose. It is time to get serious and get going.
Next on the menu?? Work! (yay! Food reference!!)
So, I decided to quit Kroll. My last day with them was last Monday, and on last Wednesday, I started working at a small healthcare information service provider named ‘eDoc4u’ which is short for “Electronic Doctor For You.” We offer a service to guide people in making smarter health choices based on information and counsel provided by doctors. Today was day 5 and I have to say that I can already begin to feel the culture shock. It is small… REALLY SMALL… Any given day there are less than 10 people in the office. I am on a team of 2 developers and an architect. I sit two doors down from the CEO and I am so close to the product, clients, and administration that I am both scared and excited by the potential impact I can have on this business. I like what they do… and I love that I am getting in here when they are making long-term decisions on how to do it better!!! I have learned that while I felt overworked and overwhelmed at Deloitte, I really, REALLY liked making a positive change in the direction of that team and that business. When the time came for me to wrap those changes up, and I decided to move to Kroll, I thought that all I wanted was an 8-5 developer job where I worked on various items, tickets, and issues with a team without much visibility into the bigger picture. My main role was not to make an impact… it was to be a part of a team where no one really made an impact. And, for some, that is a great fit… some people enjoy being in the background and love just being a fixture in the process. But that is not me. I want to make a better process, I want to make an impact, and I crave attention. I want to be noticed, I want to make decisions, and I want to lead a team in more than just the “big picture.” I want to build a bigger picture. Now, admittedly, I am not as skilled a software engineer as some of my current and previous colleagues, but what I AM really good at is learning… and I learn quickly. I learn not just the words and the definitions, but the context and the intent. Why as opposed to how; concept instead of syntax. And I love applying those concepts and whys in a way that might challenge the status quo. And when I see that my ideas really make a difference, and I can start achieving success with my ideas, I have a great sense of pride. Not because I “did” something but because I “started” something. I know today that a lot of the ways I did things live on at the Walmart where I was once employed. Workflow and process at Deloitte that I crafted are still being used… and both of those facts make me very happy and proud. And I can’t really say that about my work at Kroll. Sure, I made a good application there that they are still using, but it did not change anything. It did not make things better the same way my changes at the other places made things better, and I think that is why I never really felt at home there. As silly as it seems, I felt right at home at Walmart. I knew the business like no other, and I was good at what I did. At Deloitte, while what we did was new to me at the time, I learned that business quickly and really got good… then I made an impact. I felt truly at home… like I belonged there… like what we did was an extension of me. I did not belong at Kroll. It is too early to tell whether or not I will like what is going on here at eDoc, but I can tell you this: The opportunity to really make an impact on this company is right there for me to take, and I plan on taking that opportunity… and that brings me tremendous comfort. I just hope that the story of “Brett and eDoc” is a collection of books and not just another short-story.
And the final course… (anyone else hungry now?)
Guys… or more specifically one guy. Because this is a public blog, I will keep this pretty generic, but what I will write is that I had one of the best first “dates” I have ever had last night. It was less a real “Will you go on a date with me?” “thing” but after the evening got going, it certainly began to feel that way. While it is too early to tell how I really feel, I can say that there were the beginnings of emotions that I had long forgotten about. He and I went out to dinner, talked a lot, went to get a drink at a café, talked some more, stopped at a hookah bar, talked even more, then took a relaxing stroll at the park, talking still. The things we have in common are too numerous to list, and the universe seemed to approve of the pair. The weather was beautiful, warm with a nice breeze, clean, clear, and quiet. And the end of the night was a moment the likes of which might be seen in a classic Disney fairy-tale (lol… fairy). The evening ended precisely at 12:00 AM with a kiss… as the bells at Vanderbilt rang in the distance.
And that is all I got. That should get you up to speed with me and where I have been the last few weeks since my last post.
I am looking forward to this weekend… several close friends and I are planning a trip to Gatlinburg. Can’t wait!!!
Posted in Commentary, Diet, Friends, Health, Thought, Work | 1 Comment »