Okay… this entry may be a lengthy one and a bit emo. Consider yourself warned.
For those that may not have been reading, I decided that I was going to really take 6 months to a year to work on some things that I perceive to be areas in which I can improve. This includes weight, attitude, patience, temper, fitness, and confidence.
Weight Loss and Fitness
So the weight is continuing to roll off at the same rate (about 2 lbs per week). This makes me happy… So I’m gonna keep that up. Weight training starts next week, I think… Just need to set up an appointment with a trainer to get me going. I have not decided if I am going to get a personal trainer on a full-time basis or just use the 2 or 3 free visits I get with my gym membership. My friend, and former co-worker, Heather has a trainer and she says it makes a huge difference, so we’ll see.
I had a personal milestone last Wednesday!! For the first time EVER in my life, I was able to jog, comfortably, for 1.5 miles without slowing down or stopping. No pain, no discomfort, and my heart rate stayed in the 160 area where it should be. When I first started going to the gym in November, I jogged once for like a minute and my heart rate rocketed up to 180 and I was in pain. I was like… WTF?! But now, 3 months later, and 38 pounds lighter, I can do it! It is real, measurable progress. I can’t wait to tonight. I am going to push for 2 miles.
Attitude, Patience, and Temper
This one, I think, is making progress. I just need help from friends on this because sometimes, I am not sure when I am giving attitude, so a few of them I have asked to kind of poke me or alert me when I am doing it so I can fix it. Eventually, it will all go away, hopefully. Of course, I have a strong and sarcastic personality, so sometimes that is mistaken with attitude… and I have no plans of changing my personality, so anyone that can’t distinguish them will just have to learn me or get over it. 
I know that there is a lot of pent up anger in my system, and so these three things are really hard to deal with until that anger is gone and I become comfortable expressing myself when things bother me… and I am getting better at that. Just gotta keep it going and make sure that when I express when things bother me, I do so in a way that is not off-putting.
Where does the anger come from, though? That one is a far more complicated. I think that it stems from some childhood stuff (see confidence below for that) but I want to say that it goes beyond that. Maybe it doesn’t… you know… I just don’t know. I have not really been successful in the relationship department, so there is some frustration there. I really don’t think that I am good enough for anyone, which is a symptom of my lack of confidence, but then, when people do come along that show interest, I become too picky. Because I am not confident in myself, I clam up and get all nervous when talking to the person, then they don’t get to see the real me. I also see how things work with friends of mine that seem to have this forward facing idea or relationships with this “double-standard” reality. I don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, I have made my share of mistakes and bad decisions, but it’s so frustrating that I am trying to go slow when no one else expects it. It is so confusing! A friend will tell me that he has a crush and wants to just hang out, they make plans to hang out, cuddle, whatever, and they just rush right into sex. I guess I am too honest? If I say that I just want to hang out and get to know someone, that is what I do… and when I don’t take them to the bedroom, then they never call back! Ah…. I am such a girl.
And why will people not text me back… or text me first? I have to start everything! I am worth the effort to text back and I am worth the effort to call. But no one ever does. 
That’s okay, though. It’s more efficient to find out now that they aren’t interested then 3 months from now.
Oooh! I think that I found the anger. I don’t feel like I am worth anything because people don’t really treat me like I am when it comes to dating. When I start liking someone and they reciprocate the interest, I have this expectation that maybe they are thinking about me. They will text me or call me. But it is rare that the person actually does. I have to push and push to get anything, and that is not right. I should not have to push! And I am not going to anymore. If I have to put forth THAT much effort and the other person is not, then clearly, they are not interested, so why am I wasting my time and emotions? It’s not worth it! It should come naturally.
Confidence
What the hell is wrong with me!? Why don’t I have confidence?! Well, I actually know the answer to this one: history. Sometimes it takes a shrink to help you figure this one out, but I think that I got it. It is something with which I have always struggled. It stems from a life of being the fat kid, the nerdy kid with glasses, the kid people made fun of, and the kid people would befriend. Only when they would befriend me, I would later, almost always, find out that they are all being nice only to my face. Behind the scenes, they were saying really bad things about me. That causes me to really lose trust. So in new groups, it takes a minute to come out of my shell… and it takes a really long time to really begin to trust someone.
Of course the confidence issue is not only present in interpersonal relationships with friends and boyfriend types… it is everywhere. I am a really good singer, and I am confident in front of my friends, but when I get in front of people that are new, like Nashville in Harmony, I lose all confidence and my voice suffers. It’s because I don’t trust them, and I do not want them to talk about me behind my back, so I try to do only good enough to NOT get talked about… the only problem is that this works… too well. Sure, they don’t talk about how bad I was, because I wasn’t bad. But because I held back, I did not make a positive impression either, so I sabotaged myself. That stops right now. I picked up on that last night at my audition. I did well, but only because Don, the Director, told me I was being too plain and that I should style it up some. After he said that, I got more comfortable, did my thing, and it was good. At least they told me it was really good. We’ll see when they post the results.
This confidence thing happens at work too… and now that I am typing this, I see that it is the same exact thing. I don’t want people to talk about me… so I don’t give them any material. Fuck it. I am smart, I have great ideas, and I should be proud to express them. So I shall. I did at Deloitte and it got me far. Of course, there is another angle to this one, which is do I want to be more vocal about things. With speaking up comes more work, and I have to say that I am enjoying the peace and relaxation. So maybe I will just keep my thoughts to myself a bit longer here… but just take pride knowing that I really am just as smart, if not smarter than them.
Ah… another thought…. I compare myself to others TOO DAMN MUCH!!! Why do I do this? Why, after I have been told MANY times my MANY people that I do it, do I continue!? This makes no sense. I am me, and that is it. There is no one else that I can be, so why try? I compare EVERYTHING!! My mannerisms, my intelligence, my friend count on Facebook, my weight, my hair, my clothes, my apartment, my computer… everything. And for what? It is certainly not making me happier. Well… some of it is. I get happy when I perceive that my stuff is better. But why does that matter? It is just stuff! Doing this makes me seem like an arrogant douche. For so long, I have gone on with this idea that I am inferior and that everyone is better so I have to ALWAYS one-up someone. I have to win. And, while, a competitive nature is not always a bad thing, there is a time and a place. So that has to stop now too.
Looks like I have a list of the next few things to improve upon.
- I should care what others think, yes… but I have to be myself while being myself. That way, what others are thinking will be about the real me, and not some mask. Those that don’t like me… don’t have to. I’m still awesome.
- I just need to go with the flow, mostly. Why do I have to stick to a plan for everything?
- I really need to let go of the past. And maybe with this blog entry, I will have started that process. *waves goodbye*
- I have to stop comparing me to everyone else. I am going to be better at some things and worse at others. Nothing wrong with that.
- I have to stop re-enforcing the idea that I am inferior by liking guys that believe that I am inferior. Those people are in the wrong, and I am not subject to their prejudice or assumptions.
- I need to tear down my emotional wall. The only emotions I convey are happy or angry. With the occasional sadness/loneliness. There are so many more.
Wow… I feel a TON better.
I can’t wait to hit the gym this evening then finish watching American Idol. Or… if something comes up, I can’t wait to do that either.
-=brett=-
Another Step in the Right Direction
Posted by bretthperkins on April 15, 2010
Ahhh… the things that sneak up on you and kick your ass… I would say that I am surprised by my latest round of emotions… but I am not. And in my quest to make a better me, it’s time to type out another problem. This one is probably one with which I have had the most difficulties: Self-Image and an Inferiority Complex.
I have been a bigger person since I can remember. In school, being big came with comments and teasing. We all know why fat people are teased… but as I got older, the teasing stopped… at least on the outside. On the inside, however, the voices kept on talking. In every situation, I entered knowing that people were thinking one thing, and one thing only: “God… He is FAT.” I think that no one can see through that. Then I think that because that is all they see, I have to try doubly hard to get noticed. So that is what I have been doing. Let me tell anyone in the same boat this one thing: STOP and Stop NOW!!! This just does not work. Period. The fact of the matter is this: People are people and people will like other people for any reason known to God and man. The ones that have requirements around who they like and who they want to meet hide in a lie that they just have a “preference” and that they are justified in discriminating and treating people badly when really they are just lazy. They want what is easy… and most of them are just that: Easy. Of course for years, I have based my value on what people like that say and hated myself for not being them, but I have also taken the time to observe what is happening with these people. They move from one quick fling to the next. Emotions are trampled, people are hurt (physically and mentally), diseases are spread, and in the end, people are still very much alone. When a relationship is based, or built, solely from the physical characteristics of a person, what happens when that changes? What if, God forbid, that person loses an arm in some freak accident, or becomes paralyzed, or gains a few pounds? “It was a foolish man who built his house upon the sand.” A foundation, when disturbed, will only lead to destruction of that upon which it was built, so it makes sense to me to build a foundation out of something that is strong, not feeble. I concede that there are exceptions, and I am genuinely happy for those that have been able to achieve a relationship with meaning, true love, and value. But my happiness for others ends there. And my comparison to them ends now. I am not them. I have always wanted to be them… and to be honest, the attention and physical contact that comes with being them is still very much appealing, but I am glad that I am not them.
It is easy to get trapped, though… On social sites geared toward meeting people to date the common sentiment is that the only person worth talking to is within certain boundaries. I see the phrases like “must be HWP” (height-weight proportionate), “no chubs”, “must be fit”, etc… and since a larger than average part of my search for a mate has taken place in this setting, I have essentially built a mechanism of real reinforcement for what my mind was telling me. I believe(d) that I was not worthy of dating because I do not meet the standard lined up by the people on the sites. And I know that is wrong. Now, I am not going to stop using sites to meet people… I just realize now that the selection is what it is, and that true meaning will not come from passing anyone by based on their profile picture. I am typically pretty open, but if I am being honest, I have passed people by based on their outward appearance. I am a hypocrite for that, but it is what it is. More often than not, though, I reply to messages… then when the conversation goes south, I get my answer to the question of whether or not I would like to meet that person. And the overwhelming majority of times, I come to the answer of no. Not because of how they look, but because of what they say (or don’t say).
Over the years, though, because I have felt so abandoned, I have made bad choices. I have put myself into dangerous situations, and I have likely tarnished my name some with those within the community that know what I have done. But that also stops now. I cannot be that person anymore because I don’t need to be that person anymore. I am not better than those that still make that choice… I have just grown passed it. And that is a good thing.
What do I do now? I have no clue. I suspect that it will take some time to re-train my brain into the reflex that I am the same or better, and not inferior. I did not get here over-night. My perspective, comparisons, and thoughts must reflect reality, not fantasy. The reality is that I am no better or worse than anyone else out there. I am different. Maybe there is a rating system with all traits with a maximum score of 100. My distribution is just different. Where I am smarter, others are not. Where I am less appealing (in the eyes of others), others are more appealing. It is all relative and it is all subject to interpretation… but at the end of the day, I have to begin believing that I am right where I am supposed to be. And I have to re-enforce my foundation so I am able to give the support and love to the person for whom I have neglected for so long: Me.
-=brett=-
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