I believe that I have been sick the last few weeks and was too busy to notice. My throat has been hurting for a while, and my ears have been sore and “poppie.” I believe that I have had a mild ear infection and now that work has calmed somewhat, and Nashville in Harmony has done it’s thing for this mid-season event, I can relax. I began to really feel everything on Saturday night. Through the concert, I had to drug myself up to make it, and that night I crashed… hard. Sunday was not so bad… I was just tired all day. Last night was okay, too, but that was because of Aleve and Dayquil. Today on the other hand, I find myself fading… fast. So I think that after our meeting this morning here at work, I am going to head home and complete my work-day there. I will more than likely stay there tomorrow as well, so I can take meds and get over this crap. I know that I am running a temperature today, and I am not the person that wants to make an entire office sick. Only 8 people work in this office, so if I make more than me sick, then the consequences would be disastrous.

On a side-note: I am finally making progress on my “sharp-blogger” project. You may remember me talking about this site that I was going to build to chronicle my technical life. Well, that site is finally coming together. I am working on its design this week and possibly into next. Once I get it where I want it to be, I am going to begin building out its contents. I am going to start with a series of introductory coding articles designed for newbies. That will allow me to make sure that I REALLY know these concepts and make it easy for me to point people to good information.

And on that note, my clock now reads 10… gtg to a meeting!

See you later.

-=brett=-

Where to begin?  Me, of course!!!  I have been quite relaxed with myself when it comes to diet and exercise.  As anyone who follows me on Facebook or here on my little site knows, I have struggled with weight, and I continue to struggle.  I have to say that the last year has seen the most change for the better than any other year, and I am quite pleased with where I am.  I am 50 pounds lighter, and while I have not lost any more weight in the last couple of months, I have not gained anything significant either, so I am content.  Honestly…  I dropped weight really quickly.  It was right at the limits of what is considered healthy weight-loss.  I went from obese to moderately overweight (according to the experts that use the incredibly accurate (but pointless) Body Mass Index (BMI)).  After going to the gym for 6 months at a frequency of 3 times per week and consuming only lean meats, whole grains, and the occasional sugary coffee (excluding, of course, my now famed “cheat day”), I needed a break.  I needed to be flexible with myself. I needed to say, “It’s okay to go out with friends!  Eat that pizza!  Have some General Tso’s Chicken!”  So I did.  And naturally, I gained a pound or two…  but what I noticed is that, with the exception of pizza, I could not eat like I used to.  I couldn’t clean the plate.  I was full on less, I enjoyed vegetables more, and I had habits of choosing smarter foods.  My food lifestyle had actually changed!!!  I am now to the point where I can maintain which means I am no longer afraid to commit to losing the remaining weight.  If there is one thing that any once-fat (or once-fatter) person can tell you is that there is one fear above all others that can control your weight destiny:  the fear of gaining it all back!  Why waste the time, effort, and money on losing weight when you know, or at least think you know, that you will gain every single ounce of it back?!  (and then some…)  I was happy eating bad food; I loved the taste, smell, and texture of fried chicken, pizza, burgers, Chinese take-out, pasta, burritos, etc…  but I was not a happy person when I put on the XXL shirt or size 40 pants.  So a choice was made.  I want to be a happy person when I look at myself.  I think that is more important.  Anywho, I am rambling…  all this is to say that because I know now that my food lifestyle has been irrevocably altered, I am no longer afraid to commit to the remaining loss because I no longer fear gaining it back.  I am now in full control, both consciously and subconsciously.  I am at 224 lbs…  exactly 50 pounds smaller than I was last November… and I have stayed here since June.  Come January 1, I will weight 190 lbs.  I have 34 lbs to lose.  It is time to get serious and get going.

Next on the menu??  Work!  (yay!  Food reference!!)

So, I decided to quit Kroll.  My last day with them was last Monday, and on last Wednesday, I started working at a small healthcare information service provider named ‘eDoc4u’ which is short for “Electronic Doctor For You.”  We offer a service to guide people in making smarter health choices based on information and counsel provided by doctors. Today was day 5 and I have to say that I can already begin to feel the culture shock.  It is small…  REALLY SMALL…  Any given day there are less than 10 people in the office.  I am on a team of 2 developers and an architect.  I sit two doors down from the CEO and I am so close to the product, clients, and administration that I am both scared and excited by the potential impact I can have on this business.  I like what they do… and I love that I am getting in here when they are making long-term decisions on how to do it better!!!  I have learned that while I felt overworked and overwhelmed at Deloitte, I really, REALLY liked making a positive change in the direction of that team and that business.  When the time came for me to wrap those changes up, and I decided to move to Kroll, I thought that all I wanted was an 8-5 developer job where I worked on various items, tickets, and issues with a team without much visibility into the bigger picture.  My main role was not to make an impact… it was to be a part of a team where no one really made an impact.  And, for some, that is a great fit…  some people enjoy being in the background and love just being a fixture in the process.  But that is not me.  I want to make a better process, I want to make an impact, and I crave attention.  I want to be noticed, I want to make decisions, and I want to lead a team in more than just the “big picture.”  I want to build a bigger picture.  Now, admittedly, I am not as skilled a software engineer as some of my current and previous colleagues, but what I AM really good at is learning…  and I learn quickly.  I learn not just the words and the definitions, but the context and the intent.  Why as opposed to how; concept instead of syntax.  And I love applying those concepts and whys in a way that might challenge the status quo.  And when I see that my ideas really make a difference, and I can start achieving success with my ideas, I have a great sense of pride.  Not because I “did” something but because I “started” something.  I know today that a lot of the ways I did things live on at the Walmart where I was once employed.  Workflow and process at Deloitte that I crafted are still being used…  and both of those facts make me very happy and proud.  And I can’t really say that about my work at Kroll.  Sure, I made a good application there that they are still using, but it did not change anything.  It did not make things better the same way my changes at the other places made things better, and I think that is why I never really felt at home there.  As silly as it seems, I felt right at home at Walmart.  I knew the business like no other, and I was good at what I did.  At Deloitte, while what we did was new to me at the time, I learned that business quickly and really got good… then I made an impact.  I  felt truly at home… like I belonged there…  like what we did was an extension of me.   I did not belong at Kroll.  It is too early to tell whether or not I will like what is going on here at eDoc, but I can tell you this:  The opportunity to really make an impact on this company is right there for me to take, and I plan on taking that opportunity…  and that brings me tremendous comfort.  I just hope that the story of “Brett and eDoc” is a collection of books and not just another short-story.

And the final course…  (anyone else hungry now?)

Guys…  or more specifically one guy.  Because this is a public blog, I will keep this pretty generic, but what I will write is that I had one of the best first “dates” I have ever had last night.  It was less a real “Will you go on a date with me?” “thing” but after the evening got going, it certainly began to feel that way.  While it is too early to tell how I really feel, I can say that there were the beginnings of emotions that I had long forgotten about.  He and I went out to dinner, talked a lot, went to get a drink at a café, talked some more, stopped at a hookah bar, talked even more, then took a relaxing stroll  at the park, talking still.  The things we have in common are too numerous to list, and the universe seemed to approve of the pair.  The weather was beautiful, warm with a nice breeze, clean, clear, and quiet.  And the end of the night was a moment the likes of which might be seen in a classic Disney fairy-tale (lol… fairy).  The evening ended precisely at 12:00 AM with a kiss… as the bells at Vanderbilt rang in the distance. 

And that is all I got.  That should get you up to speed with me and where I have been the last few weeks since my last post.

I am looking forward to this weekend… several close friends and I are planning a trip to Gatlinburg.  Can’t wait!!!

I am still having some difficulty connecting with my team.  I don’t know what it is, but it is just OFF here…  the relationships between teammates here just seems awkward.  Of course, before I look at this with a critical eye, maybe  I should take a look at to what I am comparing Kroll.  Jobs of the past have been retail and some technology.  Walmart is far from a professional environment.  Don’t get me wrong, it was professional…  but not in the sense that there are cubicles and desks and things of that nature.  At Walmart, I really had a sense of being a part of the store, and I really felt comfortable being close to my co-workers, and I have forged some of the strongest friendships of my life from people that I met at Walmart. (David and Daniel, Victoria, Jennifer Nichols, Deana, and the list can go on.)  Then I graduated from MTSU and moved onto Deloitte.  And there, I was hired in with a pool of 30 or so other people.  It was very much like a school environment.  We all came in at the same time, we all trained, we all socialize, and we were all instantly bonded to one another.  It really was a good experience!  Then the situations at Deloitte really made a lot of us a family.  We were thrown into an incredibly difficult situation where we were fighting a battle, building a business, and figuring out how we were all going to work…  To some, I was bonded like a family.  I would spend countless hours with the same people day in and day out.  We were in it together…  rewarded together…  challenged together.  Over time, we all started taking out individual paths, some stayed, some left…  but through all we experienced, we genuinely cared for one another, we would work hard for each other, and we had fun doing it!  I really miss those people.  I really connected with them.

Now… I am at Kroll.  I like the people here, but it seems like people really keep themselves distant from each other, from the products, and from the business.  It is really an environment where the sentiment is just this:  I am not going to really go above and beyond, I am not going to take on more that I REALLY have to, and I am going to do everything that I possibly can NOT to be in a situation where I can be held accountable.  And that makes for some pretty nasty politics…  and it really seems to get in the way of forward motion.  I see that simple things take forever because no one “owns” it.  I have to jump through hoops to just get the information I need.  Now, that said… people are always happy to help, and I have never NOT gotten what I need.  It just takes a long time.  But I can feel myself slipping into the mindset of just doing what I HAVE to do and nothing more.  To be honest, I can see the benefit in that… I am not NEARLY as on edge or stressed as I was at Walmart or Deloitte… but I feel less accomplished.

To me, accomplishment is the definition of success.  It does not have to be a significant accomplishment, but there is no better feeling that actually finishing something.  And that is something that seems like it would be missing for me here.  (with the exception of this POC to which I am currently assigned.  I am actually going to finish that one!)  Maybe it is not true that I will not finish anything of significance, and with time, I may gain a better understanding and perspective… but for now, I just see in general that the wheels are spinning in air…  going nowhere.

Alas, though… I am content.  I am employed; the people are nice, if distant.  And they are starting to come around.

I am switching up my work-out today and going forward.  I am joining a “Boot Camp” thing with Kendra.  It will be a lot like P.E. from school (ironically, a class that I hated but am now willing to not only take, but also pay to take).  This should be fun.  I have lost 50 pounds, and I am smaller than I can ever remember being.  The next few months will be tucking in the last bit of weight and tightening up what I can… 

-=brett=-

I have been spending a considerable time with my friend Meadow. We went to grade school together.  I really enjoy talking to her.  I wish that we had taken the opportunities in school to get closer, but we didn’t, so it’s all good.  I am just really glad that we are now.    She and I have a lot in common, and have a lot of similar issues, so it really comes as no surprise that the powers-that-be decided to bring her back into my life at this point, as I am actively changing and moving on from my demons… and she is too.  In talking to her about some things, it is like I am talking to myself.  I am telling her the same things that I should be telling myself…  and that is good.  It is also good to have someone in the same boat – someone that understands.  I am not alone in the feelings I have, and there is a tremendous amount of comfort in that, and it helps re-enforce the truth that I am not weird, subpar, or otherwise inferior to those around me simply because the circumstances and situations that make up my history have tainted my outlook for so long.  I just have dwelled on it and not moved passed it when others have.  Of course others’ lives have been different, too…  some are easier, some are harder, but they are all different and we all just have to “grow a pair,” deal with it, and move on. 

I have kinda taken a break from working out like I have.  I wasn’t going ALL that much, but some things have come up, some time has been taken away from when I would normally work-out, and a slight break never hurt anybody.  I am still losing weight, and I am still eating SO much better than I ever have…  so it is all good.  It is not the end of the world if I do not work out for a couple of weeks.  I plan on going back on next Monday.  We’ll see how it goes.   So far, though, according to my scales this morning, I have lost a total of 48 pounds so far.  I started at 274 lbs on Nov 1, 2009 and today, I weight 226.  I am SO proud of that progress and I know that I will continue that momentum.  I think that when I hit 50 lbs, I am going to have a party. and eat!  Heck… I will have earned it.

Nashville in Harmony is still going well.  We finished the promotional materials for the most part, and the poster is at the printer, so that is good.  Just a few more tweaks to work out, and we will be all done.

I have decided to stop sharp-blogger.  I came to this decision after realizing that I was just re-inventing the wheel.  I think that I am going to morph sharp-blogger from a blog system to a C# blogging programmer’s reference where I, and others, can collaborate on C# projects.  Heck, I may just make Sharp-Blogger my site for technology blogs.  IDK.  I know that I am going to split out bretthperkins.com and brett :: open source.  Maybe I will move brett :: open source to sharp-blogger?!  Anywho, I am going to use the ‘Blog Engine .NET’ framework as my primary content management system and build a custom site around that.  It will be significantly less work with an identical payoff, so it is a win-win.

With that, it’s now pretty much 1:00 so I should get back to work.  I’m playing in Info Path.  And it kinda sucks.   BUT… it is work… and I wanted work.

-=brett=-

Like… I understand and accept that I will change moods.   That is fine, but I am having a really hard time accepting the severity and speed with which my moods change.  I can’t say with any certainty that there is anything new in these mood swings, or if they have always been there and I am just now paying them attention, but either way…  They need some work.  I noticed on Saturday, for example, that I was feeling great, went to get Kendra, spent time with her and most of my family, and was really happy.  Then, on the way home, I started to feel kinda down…  but nothing really major.

On Sunday, it was about the same, actually…  I woke pretty happy, had lunch with Kendra (Hey, this window is transparent!), and then went to Jozoara.  My mood changed between lunch and JoZoara, then got better again as I headed into Nashville for rehearsal.  I was pretty happy.  I was happy all the way until I got home…  Then I had dinner.  That’s it!!!

It is triggered by food.  Ah, I love blogging!!  For so long, I have been fat.  Yes, I know that there are fatter people out there, and yes, I know that being fat isn’t the worse thing in the world… anywho, moving on…  I have been fat.  And I have loathed myself for it.  I hated myself.  I feel like I should write in here that this is not about to be a “Woe is me – cry me a river – sad story.”  I am going somewhere with this.   Anywho…  because I hated myself, I continued to just be who I was because no matter what, I there was never anything I could do about it.  No matter what I would just be fat.  And I was internally so hard on myself.  I was so angry that I could not make the changes necessary to make a better me, and I was so mad at the world for placing so much emphasis on looks.  In the real world, or at least in my perception of the real world, fat people were not worthy of being loved, so I did not feel all the love that was around me every day.  Anywho, all that is to say that all of those feelings of neglect, abandonment, pity, anger, jealousy, and hate festered in me and grew so strong that I was no longer stable.  Anything would set me off.  Sure, I could control it for a while, but eventually, it all came up and came out.  Ask any of my friends… I can blow up like Mt. St. Helen’s.  (Btw, I still have all of these friends, so clearly the feelings of abandonment and neglect are irrational…  clearly I have never been alone, and I have always been loved!) Anyway, so how does all of that relate to how this bog started?!  Well…  it is a vivid truth that there is usually only one way to become fat (barring medical conditions) and that is to eat bad foods and stay sedentary.  So in my mind, those bad foods are a very real, tangible manifestation of those terrible emotions that have existed in me for SO long.  I have worked so hard to purge myself of all of this negativity that, emotionally, eating those bad foods is like I am eating neglect, abandonment, pity, anger, jealousy, and hate.  And when I eat them, I feel them…  and my mood changes!  Of course, what is wrong is my association of those foods to emotions, not the fact that I ate those foods.  There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with having those foods as long as they are not your norm.  They have to be the exception.  (And they are so, so yummy!)

I have never really understood the importance of a “cheat” day until this moment.  It is not about the food!  It is about allowing me freedom.  Freedom to understand that I am not perfect, that I am going to do things that are not healthy.  And you know what?!  All of that is perfectly ok!!!  I am not going to magically gain back the 43 lbs that I have already lost because I had one bad day!  The important thing here is that I have committed to a lifestyle of health, and in that health is not only nutrition and exercise.  It is in the mind. I know that if I can lose 43 pounds in 18 weeks, and if I can maintain a 2-per-week gym routine, and now jog 2 miles when I could barely walk up more than 3 flights of stairs, then I can have one bad day a week without feeling bad about it.

I cannot continue eating yesterday’s hate, in doing so, I will never be able to enjoy today’s love.

-=brett=-

For those that may not have been reading, I decided that I was going to really take 6 months to a year to work on some things that I perceive to be areas in which I can improve.  This includes weight, attitude, patience, temper, fitness, and confidence.

Weight Loss and Fitness

So the weight is continuing to roll off at the same rate (about 2 lbs per week).  This makes me happy…  So I’m gonna keep that up.  Weight training starts next week, I think…  Just need to set up an appointment with a trainer to get me going.  I have not decided if I am going to get a personal trainer on a full-time basis or just use the 2 or 3 free visits I get with my gym membership.  My friend, and former co-worker, Heather has a trainer and she says it makes a huge difference, so we’ll see.

I had a personal milestone last Wednesday!!  For the first time EVER in my life, I was able to jog, comfortably, for 1.5 miles without slowing down or stopping.  No pain, no discomfort, and my heart rate stayed in the 160 area where it should be.  When I first started going to the gym in November, I jogged once for like a minute and my heart rate rocketed up to 180 and I was in pain.  I was like…  WTF?!  But now, 3 months later, and 38 pounds lighter, I can do it!  It is real, measurable progress.  I can’t wait to tonight.  I am going to push for 2 miles.

Attitude, Patience, and Temper

This one, I think, is making progress.  I just need help from friends on this because sometimes, I am not sure when I am giving attitude, so a few of them I have asked to kind of poke me or alert me when I am doing it so I can fix it.  Eventually, it will all go away, hopefully.  Of course, I have a strong and sarcastic personality, so sometimes that is mistaken with attitude…  and I have no plans of changing my personality, so anyone that can’t distinguish them will just have to learn me or get over it.

I know that there is a lot of pent up anger in my system, and so these three things are really hard to deal with until that anger is gone and I become comfortable expressing myself when things bother me…  and I am getting better at that.  Just gotta keep it going and make sure that when I express when things bother me, I do so in a way that is not off-putting. 

Where does the anger come from, though?  That one is a far more complicated.  I think that it stems from some childhood stuff (see confidence below for that) but I want to say that it goes beyond that.  Maybe it doesn’t… you know… I just don’t know.  I have not really been successful in the relationship department, so there is some frustration there.  I really don’t think that I am good enough for anyone, which is a symptom of my lack of confidence, but then, when people do come along that show interest, I become too picky.  Because I am not confident in myself, I clam up and get all nervous when talking to the person, then they don’t get to see the real me.  I also see how things work with friends of mine that seem to have this forward facing idea or relationships with this “double-standard” reality.  I don’t get it.  Don’t get me wrong, I have made my share of mistakes and bad decisions, but it’s so frustrating that I am trying to go slow when no one else expects it.  It is so confusing!  A friend will tell me that he has a crush and wants to just hang out, they make plans to hang out, cuddle, whatever, and they just rush right into sex.  I guess I am too honest?  If I say that I just want to hang out and get to know someone, that is what I do… and when I don’t take them to the bedroom, then they never call back!  Ah….  I am such a girl.

And why will people not text me back… or text me first?  I have to start everything!  I am worth the effort to text back and I am worth the effort to call.  But no one ever does.    That’s okay, though.  It’s more efficient to find out now that they aren’t interested then 3 months from now.

Oooh!  I think that I found the anger.  I don’t feel like I am worth anything because people don’t really treat me like I am when it comes to dating.  When I start liking someone and they reciprocate the interest, I have this expectation that maybe they are thinking about me.  They will text me or call me.  But it is rare that the person actually does.  I have to push and push to get anything, and that is not right.  I should not have to push!  And I am not going to anymore.  If I have to put forth THAT much effort and the other person is not, then clearly, they are not interested, so why am I wasting my time and emotions?  It’s not worth it!  It should come naturally.

Confidence

What the hell is wrong with me!?  Why don’t I have confidence?!  Well, I actually know the answer to this one:  history.  Sometimes it takes a shrink to help you figure this one out, but I think that I got it.  It is something with which I have always struggled.  It stems from a life of being the fat kid, the nerdy kid with glasses, the kid people made fun of, and the kid people would befriend.  Only when they would befriend me, I would later, almost always, find out that they are all being nice only to my face.  Behind the scenes, they were saying really bad things about me.  That causes me to really lose trust.  So in new groups, it takes a minute to come out of my shell…  and it takes a really long time to really begin to trust someone.

Of course the confidence issue is not only present in interpersonal relationships with friends and boyfriend types…  it is everywhere.  I am a really good singer, and I am confident in front of my friends, but when I get in front of people that are new, like Nashville in Harmony, I lose all confidence and my voice suffers.  It’s because I don’t trust them, and I do not want them to talk about me behind my back, so I try to do only good enough to NOT get talked about…  the only problem is that this works…  too well.  Sure, they don’t talk about how bad I was, because I wasn’t bad. But because I held back, I did not make a positive impression either, so I sabotaged myself.  That stops right now.  I picked up on that last night at my audition.  I did well, but only because Don, the Director, told me I was being too plain and that I should style it up some.  After he said that, I got more comfortable, did my thing, and it was good.  At least they told me it was really good.  We’ll see when they post the results. 

This confidence thing happens at work too…  and now that I am typing this, I see that it is the same exact thing.  I don’t want people to talk about me… so I don’t give them any material.  Fuck it.  I am smart, I have great ideas, and I should be proud to express them.  So I shall.  I did at Deloitte and it got me far.  Of course, there is another angle to this one, which is do I want to be more vocal about things.  With speaking up comes more work, and I have to say that I am enjoying the peace and relaxation.  So maybe I will just keep my thoughts to myself a bit longer here… but just take pride knowing that I really am just as smart, if not smarter than them.

Ah… another thought….  I compare myself to others TOO DAMN MUCH!!!  Why do I do this?  Why, after I have been told MANY times my MANY people that I do it, do I continue!?  This makes no sense.  I am me, and that is it.  There is no one else that I can be, so why try?  I compare EVERYTHING!!  My mannerisms, my intelligence, my friend count on Facebook, my weight, my hair, my clothes, my apartment, my computer… everything.  And for what?  It is certainly not making me happier.  Well… some of it is.  I get happy when I perceive that my stuff is better.  But why does that matter?  It is just stuff!  Doing this makes me seem like an arrogant douche.  For so long, I have gone on with this idea that I am inferior and that everyone is better so I have to ALWAYS one-up someone.  I have to win.  And, while, a competitive nature is not always a bad thing, there is a time and a place.  So that has to stop now too.

Looks like I have a list of the next few things to improve upon.

1. I should care what others think, yes… but I have to be myself while being myself.  That way, what others are thinking will be about the real me, and not some mask.  Those that don’t like me… don’t have to.  I’m still awesome.
2. I just need to go with the flow, mostly.  Why do I have to stick to a plan for everything?
3. I really need to let go of the past.  And maybe with this blog entry, I will have started that process.  *waves goodbye*
4. I have to stop comparing me to everyone else.  I am going to be better at some things and worse at others.  Nothing wrong with that.
5. I have to stop re-enforcing the idea that I am inferior by liking guys that believe that I am inferior.  Those people are in the wrong, and I am not subject to their prejudice or assumptions.
6. I need to tear down my emotional wall.  The only emotions I convey are happy or angry.  With the occasional sadness/loneliness.  There are so many more.

Wow… I feel a TON better. 

I can’t wait to hit the gym this evening then finish watching American Idol.  Or… if something comes up, I can’t wait to do that either.

-=brett=-

To prepare for the season, I have been recording myself on my phone while driving, then listening to it and picking out when I don’t sound right and working on my trouble spots.  I have not actually paid attention to my voice, in terms of proper sounds, in a long time.  I love to sing, and I do that quite frequently, but I never really analyzed anything after I stopped singing in Choir at MTSU.  I am hopeful that once I get back in practice, and get around other singers, I will start remembering all those tricks and techniques and begin working with Eric on his voice.  It will just be a challenge for both of us to find the time to rehearse.  We’ll get there, though.

I have kinda stalled on Sharp-blogger…  I still think that I have done a LOT and I am pleased with my progress, just really need to find time to focus on it.  I think that buying the new desk will help.  I am going to develop the program on my desktop at home, and while I loved my old desk, I had never REALLY worked on it, or spent a lot of time actually coding, writing, or otherwise attempting to focus using that desk.  What was wrong with the old desk is that it was not designed for more than one monitor.  I was able to make it work, though… and make it look nice, but in the end, it just was not right.  The monitors were too high, I couldn’t sit with my legs under the desk, I was really far away from the monitors, and the desk surface was too high.  I was always re-adjusting the monitors, removing and adding the keyboard drawer, and otherwise fidgeting with the desk, and I spent more time doing that then actually working.  I am reminded of Ellen when she sits at her desk to work.  She will say that she should write, then she will sit at the desk and look around and say, “Wow, that’s dusty.  I can’t work when my desk is that dusty.”  So she will go get a rag to dust, then on the way to get the rag, she will pass the cat on the stairs, pet the cat, then get a call from a friend…  and never actually work.  Ok… so maybe my real problem is procrastination.  lol.  *shrugs* whatev.  I still like  my new desk.   It may seem trivial, but a good work space is necessary to do good work, and now I have that, and there is less to fidget with, so I should be set.  In theory.  lol  I am still on track to have a beta ready to test by late spring.

My diet is still coming along…  have lost close to 30 lbs now…  and going to the gym more will hopefully yield faster results.  I have also started traversing the staircase at work 5 times after lunch every day.  It is not much, but I think that it helps in fueling my metabolism, which helps me burn more fat in my idle time.  However, I am growing more and more impatient with myself, so I must take this opportunity to remind myself that it took YEARS to get as big as I was, so it is not going to all fall off overnight!  To myself:  “Get over yourself!  You are doing GREAT!!”

And with that, I suppose I should get to work.  I am building an Active Directory Test Query app at work so we can troubleshoot Active Directory bugs and communication problems.  It is coming along fast and I am learning a TON about Active Directory.  Forests and nodes and principals oh my!!

-=brett=-

Carolyn –

Carolyn is getting better, which is good news indeed. But it is different this time because Dad actually called us all to tell us that she was there. It is, of course, not her first stint in the hospital. She has been there many times before with various “smoking-related” health problems. She is a smoker and over the last few years, it has all caught up with her. Usually, Dad just takes her to the hospital, they stay for a bit, she gets better, and they come home. Dad usually doesn’t even call us (my siblings and I), as I suppose he feels like it is not that serious (Although, I would prefer he call, regardless of severity, but that is another entry). This time, though, he did call, which leads me to believe that these visits are becoming more serious… and I don’t handle loss and death very well. I will not remark on fortune thus far in life, for good luck’s sake… I will just leave it at my dislike for loss. Anywho… back to now: She is doing better, after a scary Saturday night… Dad told me this morning that she may be able to come home on Thursday. He asked me to help get the house ready for her, and to get some things together to occupy her time and mind because this time, coming home also means no more smoking. He is settled and convicted to making sure that Carolyn actually QUITS smoking. NOW. To this effort, I pledge my support unconditionally. And for all those that read this, and have any direct interaction to Carolyn’s life, I am asking for your commitment as well. There are several smokers in the family, and it may be very easy to say “Okay” if Carolyn asks for a cigarette, or even just a puff. Please honor Dad’s wishes and say no, and accept my sincerest gratitude in advance. For the other smokers in the family… I am asking you to reconsider the choice to continue. I am SO grateful that my Mom decided to quit year ago. There is no way of knowing how things would have turned out had she not, but my belief is that things are better. I do not want to see another person for whom I care suffer they way Carolyn is now, and I can probably safely bet that everyone else feels the same way. I feel myself getting close to my “Stop-Smoking” soap-box, so I digress. We all know the outcome. I just pray that informed decisions are made.

Moving onto other things:

Sharp-Blogger: Is WELL underway. I created the database over the weekend and began the creation of the Stored Procedures to retrieve and send data to the Database. For those reading this with limited knowledge of Database Design, think of a Stored Procedure as a “door” and the database as a building with many rooms. To get into a building’s room, you have to use a door. Data is stored in the various “rooms” and “doors” must be built to every room in order to enter or exit. Once this is done, I will be able to build the actual content code to accept and display data from the Website. My goal is to complete the stored procedure creation by the week’s end. Then, I will take the weekend to build the code layers and content logic. Once that is done, I will begin the website design. I am SUPER-EXCITED about this site, although I am detecting more complexity than I anticipated. Luckily, the world today has a wealth of information on the Internet… and I am able to look up how people solve their problems and incorporate their solutions. Of course, the plan is to also document my methods as well, so I can afford the next developer the same privilege as my predecessors.

The Audition: for “Nashville in Harmony” is tomorrow at 7:40 P.M. and I am REALLY excited about that too. Of course, with Sharp-Blogger, I doubted if I should continue with the plans to join this musical group. I juggled it in my mind, and I decided that I should. There is something dangerous about having a hobby, Sharp-Blogger, that consumes too much time. I could potentially burn-out and/or lose interest… which puts the project at risk. This group will give me the time away from Sharp-Blogger that I anticipate I will need. Plus, I like to sing, and am very rewarded by that, as well as writing programs… so it is a win-win!

Balance: Like I said in the last paragraph, I just have to really make sure that I am keeping my ADHD-like mind hopping. So bouncing between movies with friend, Sharp-Blogger, Work, and Singing, I should be OK to NOT burn out. Just gotta keep the cycle going… and get BACK to the Gym!!

And, that is about all that is on my mind. Work continues to be a wash, so I keep learning and doing what I can. Maybe soon, I will be given more to do here, not that I am complaining.

-=brett=-

A Look Back :: What Made 2009 So Great –

· Promotion at Deloitte: The year began with a move up for me at my previous job. It really was, in my opinion, quite an accomplishment to move up as quickly as I did at Deloitte. Granted, I have since moved on to other things, but I am still quite proud of what I did there.

· Wicked: I went up to Indianapolis to visit Tai and see the Musical Wicked. It is an amazing show, and I recommend seeing it if you have not already. I also had a great trip up to see Tai in Indy.

· American Idol: In the summer, Eric and I took a road trip to Orlando, Florida to audition for American Idol. It was a fantastic trip full of nothing but happiness and leisure. It wsa a HUGE break from my, then, stressful job. We met some incredible people, I met Eric’s friend Charlon, and we got to sing… in front of thousands of people. (Sort of).

· Epcot Center: On the trip to Orlando, I finally got to go to Disney World. I had never been, and I have still not been to a big chuck of Disney World, but I did get to go to Epcot with Eric, Charlon, and a couple of other friends. It was great!

· Moving in with Eric: I love David and Daniel like brothers. We lived together for about 6 years. That is a huge deal to me and they will forever be a part of my life… but the time was right for us to take our separate paths. Daniel has moved in with his partner Vinny and David has moved on to his own place. They are both doing very well. I do not want to live alone, so Eric and I, after talking about it for several years now, have finally moved in together. And I couldn’t be happier. We are such a perfect match and living together has, so far, been nothing but awesome!

· New Townhome: Moving out from the 3 bedroom townhome into a 2 bedroom was SUCH a great move! I got a bigger room, the place is nicer, decorated, and it just feels like home! It is in the same compex as my old place, but in a different section. I love that townhome, and I know that Eric and I will be there for at least another year.

· New Job at Kroll: I know that the first thing on this list is a promotion at my previous employer, but that is only one thing. I have since moved into a new job with career aspirations that are incompatible with the entity at Deloitte to which I was affiliated. So moving to this spot, for me, makes the absolute most sense. I am still very excited and forward looking into this job, and hope that it turns into several years of good work, a path up, and happy times!

· Weight Loss: I started thinking about my weight again last year in December… I even wrote a letter to myself. But, I did not have the discipline to follow through with a weight plan. Well, that is all different now. I have lost 23 pounds and still counting. I look better than ever and I am really excited about the coming year.

· Figuring Out More About Me: I am complex… and in that complexity comes ambiguity and question. I still did no really KNOW who I was… and to be honest, I think that I will continue to change and figure things out until I am gone… but I really starting thinking about who I REALLY am and what REALLY matters to me. I became a bit more focused on myself than I have ever been before, and you know?! It has really made a huge difference. I am still a considerate friend, but I am out for ME now. No one else!!! My friend Deana put it best when talking to her husband about a difficult situation. She told him that “I love you, but I love me more.” And that is SUCH a profound thing to say and realize. I had to learn to LOVE me more. And to be honest, I think that because of that, this year has been SO great!!!

A Look Forward :: What To Expect From 2010 –

Honestly… I haven’t the foggiest idea what to expect. I learned long ago that expectations are quite the paradox. They are good and they are bad, they are right and they are wrong… and sometimes, expectations are the HARDEST things to manage. Life is not scripted, and not everything is planned in advance. You can never know what will happen, nor should you. So with that in mind, I look into the next year with excitement and wonder. I hope that 2010 will be as great, if not greater, that 2009.

With that, I close out this year on bretthperkins.com. I am working on a decade retrospective, but I won’t have that ready for a few more days… so look for that.

I hope that everyone reading this has a safe and memorable holiday today, and if you choose to drink or otherwise party, please use good judgment and be safe! The last thing anyone wants is for 2010 to begin with tragedy.

May the new year bring happiness and good fortune to you all.

-=brett=-

Keep in mind that some of this may be as drastic a change for you as it was for me, so plan to phase it in over a few weeks if you start.  Also, this is what is working for ME… everyone is different, but this diet for me has had consistent results since October of about 3 lbs per week.  I STRONGLY recommend against trying to lose more than that per week without consulting your doctor.  Also don’t be afraid to play around to find what works for YOU…  we’re all different.

1)  Eliminate ALL soda (even diet)
2)  Drink ONLY water or Crystal Light.  Tea and Coffee are good in moderation, and only sweeten with Splenda.
3)  Eliminate 80% of your meats.  Replace with veggie burgers stuff and soy meats.
4)  Stay away from Hamburger and Chicken.  Try to stick with lighter meats like Turkey.
5)  NO FAST FOOD!!!  If you have fast food, research what is out there first.  There are good alternatives out there and most places have nutritional information available on their websites.
6)  Eat lots of grains and foods with Omega 3.
7)  Take a daily multi-vitamin AND a vitamin B complex.  (The B complex aids in boosting metabolism)  This might be too much vitamin B, but its water soluble and your body won’t be hurt by it…  the B in the multi-vitamins is not as complete as the complex.
8)  I am taking a diet supplement named Lipo 6.  I think it helps… but who knows! lol
9)  Don’t eat past 8 PM.
10)  Eat ALL of your meals, and snacks.  You should be eating at least every 3-4 hours.  This keeps your metabolism going.
11)  Know yourself.  You, like I, have vices.  Cater your diet to them.  You will never stick to anything if you completely stop eating the foods you enjoy!
12)  Drink Water… Often.  Like 100 oz. per day.  Keep a bottle with you and refill it often.
13)  Work out about 40 minutes 3 times a week.  Nothing strenuous.  Just get your heart going a bit (140-160 beats per minute) and sweat some.
14)  No WHITE bread.  Eat whole grain.  I recommend the purple “Healthy Life” bread.  You can find it at Walmart.
15)  Keep healthy snacks around you…  and allow yourself to munch.  (Apples, kashi granola, celery, etc)
16)  Have a “cheat day” where you can eat anything that you want… just keep the portions on the small side.
17)  Drink lots of water…  did I say that already?
18)  No fatty cheese.  Get no-fat or low-fat cheese.
19)  No processed snacks.  They are empty calories with no nutritional value-add to your diet.
20)  Take the stairs and park far away.  Don’t be lazy!   (OK, I’ll admit, its too cold to walk far to get to work… guilty of parking close!)
21)  Stick to it!!!  Just remember why you are doing this!!!  And on the days where you really don’t feel like going to the gym, or working out at home, just tell yourself to do it for 10 minutes.  Odds are, you will go longer. 
22)  If healthy foods are not available, switch to plan ‘B’:  Portion Control.
23)  Lastly, drink LOTS of water.   H-2-Oh My Goodness you will feel great because you are hydrated!!

That is what I do.  My typical day:

• Breakfast (7:00 AM) :  Kashi Cereal or waffles (1 serving) and some turkey sausage (1 serving).  2 Eggs can replace the sausage.
• Coffee between breakfast and lunch.  2 cups.  Approx 20 oz.
• By now, I have probably already had about 40 oz. of water.
• Lunch (12:00 PM) :  Light meat sandwich on wheat or soup.  Nothing too crazy.
• Snack (3:00 PM) : Granola Bar.
• Up to about 70 oz. of water by now.-
• Dinner ( 6:00ish): Veggie ‘chicken’ and brocolli/cheese… or some kinda lean pasta dish.  Sometimes I will have some more soup or 2 ham/cheese sandwiches.
• I drink Crystal Light at night.

That is about it.  Cater it to you, and hit google to see what other people are doing.  I have read a TON of stuff that has worked for others.

-=Brett=-