Okay… this entry may be a lengthy one and a bit emo. Consider yourself warned.
For those that may not have been reading, I decided that I was going to really take 6 months to a year to work on some things that I perceive to be areas in which I can improve. This includes weight, attitude, patience, temper, fitness, and confidence.
Weight Loss and Fitness
So the weight is continuing to roll off at the same rate (about 2 lbs per week). This makes me happy… So I’m gonna keep that up. Weight training starts next week, I think… Just need to set up an appointment with a trainer to get me going. I have not decided if I am going to get a personal trainer on a full-time basis or just use the 2 or 3 free visits I get with my gym membership. My friend, and former co-worker, Heather has a trainer and she says it makes a huge difference, so we’ll see.
I had a personal milestone last Wednesday!! For the first time EVER in my life, I was able to jog, comfortably, for 1.5 miles without slowing down or stopping. No pain, no discomfort, and my heart rate stayed in the 160 area where it should be. When I first started going to the gym in November, I jogged once for like a minute and my heart rate rocketed up to 180 and I was in pain. I was like… WTF?! But now, 3 months later, and 38 pounds lighter, I can do it! It is real, measurable progress. I can’t wait to tonight. I am going to push for 2 miles.
Attitude, Patience, and Temper
This one, I think, is making progress. I just need help from friends on this because sometimes, I am not sure when I am giving attitude, so a few of them I have asked to kind of poke me or alert me when I am doing it so I can fix it. Eventually, it will all go away, hopefully. Of course, I have a strong and sarcastic personality, so sometimes that is mistaken with attitude… and I have no plans of changing my personality, so anyone that can’t distinguish them will just have to learn me or get over it. 
I know that there is a lot of pent up anger in my system, and so these three things are really hard to deal with until that anger is gone and I become comfortable expressing myself when things bother me… and I am getting better at that. Just gotta keep it going and make sure that when I express when things bother me, I do so in a way that is not off-putting.
Where does the anger come from, though? That one is a far more complicated. I think that it stems from some childhood stuff (see confidence below for that) but I want to say that it goes beyond that. Maybe it doesn’t… you know… I just don’t know. I have not really been successful in the relationship department, so there is some frustration there. I really don’t think that I am good enough for anyone, which is a symptom of my lack of confidence, but then, when people do come along that show interest, I become too picky. Because I am not confident in myself, I clam up and get all nervous when talking to the person, then they don’t get to see the real me. I also see how things work with friends of mine that seem to have this forward facing idea or relationships with this “double-standard” reality. I don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, I have made my share of mistakes and bad decisions, but it’s so frustrating that I am trying to go slow when no one else expects it. It is so confusing! A friend will tell me that he has a crush and wants to just hang out, they make plans to hang out, cuddle, whatever, and they just rush right into sex. I guess I am too honest? If I say that I just want to hang out and get to know someone, that is what I do… and when I don’t take them to the bedroom, then they never call back! Ah…. I am such a girl.
And why will people not text me back… or text me first? I have to start everything! I am worth the effort to text back and I am worth the effort to call. But no one ever does. 
That’s okay, though. It’s more efficient to find out now that they aren’t interested then 3 months from now.
Oooh! I think that I found the anger. I don’t feel like I am worth anything because people don’t really treat me like I am when it comes to dating. When I start liking someone and they reciprocate the interest, I have this expectation that maybe they are thinking about me. They will text me or call me. But it is rare that the person actually does. I have to push and push to get anything, and that is not right. I should not have to push! And I am not going to anymore. If I have to put forth THAT much effort and the other person is not, then clearly, they are not interested, so why am I wasting my time and emotions? It’s not worth it! It should come naturally.
Confidence
What the hell is wrong with me!? Why don’t I have confidence?! Well, I actually know the answer to this one: history. Sometimes it takes a shrink to help you figure this one out, but I think that I got it. It is something with which I have always struggled. It stems from a life of being the fat kid, the nerdy kid with glasses, the kid people made fun of, and the kid people would befriend. Only when they would befriend me, I would later, almost always, find out that they are all being nice only to my face. Behind the scenes, they were saying really bad things about me. That causes me to really lose trust. So in new groups, it takes a minute to come out of my shell… and it takes a really long time to really begin to trust someone.
Of course the confidence issue is not only present in interpersonal relationships with friends and boyfriend types… it is everywhere. I am a really good singer, and I am confident in front of my friends, but when I get in front of people that are new, like Nashville in Harmony, I lose all confidence and my voice suffers. It’s because I don’t trust them, and I do not want them to talk about me behind my back, so I try to do only good enough to NOT get talked about… the only problem is that this works… too well. Sure, they don’t talk about how bad I was, because I wasn’t bad. But because I held back, I did not make a positive impression either, so I sabotaged myself. That stops right now. I picked up on that last night at my audition. I did well, but only because Don, the Director, told me I was being too plain and that I should style it up some. After he said that, I got more comfortable, did my thing, and it was good. At least they told me it was really good. We’ll see when they post the results.
This confidence thing happens at work too… and now that I am typing this, I see that it is the same exact thing. I don’t want people to talk about me… so I don’t give them any material. Fuck it. I am smart, I have great ideas, and I should be proud to express them. So I shall. I did at Deloitte and it got me far. Of course, there is another angle to this one, which is do I want to be more vocal about things. With speaking up comes more work, and I have to say that I am enjoying the peace and relaxation. So maybe I will just keep my thoughts to myself a bit longer here… but just take pride knowing that I really am just as smart, if not smarter than them.
Ah… another thought…. I compare myself to others TOO DAMN MUCH!!! Why do I do this? Why, after I have been told MANY times my MANY people that I do it, do I continue!? This makes no sense. I am me, and that is it. There is no one else that I can be, so why try? I compare EVERYTHING!! My mannerisms, my intelligence, my friend count on Facebook, my weight, my hair, my clothes, my apartment, my computer… everything. And for what? It is certainly not making me happier. Well… some of it is. I get happy when I perceive that my stuff is better. But why does that matter? It is just stuff! Doing this makes me seem like an arrogant douche. For so long, I have gone on with this idea that I am inferior and that everyone is better so I have to ALWAYS one-up someone. I have to win. And, while, a competitive nature is not always a bad thing, there is a time and a place. So that has to stop now too.
Looks like I have a list of the next few things to improve upon.
- I should care what others think, yes… but I have to be myself while being myself. That way, what others are thinking will be about the real me, and not some mask. Those that don’t like me… don’t have to. I’m still awesome.
- I just need to go with the flow, mostly. Why do I have to stick to a plan for everything?
- I really need to let go of the past. And maybe with this blog entry, I will have started that process. *waves goodbye*
- I have to stop comparing me to everyone else. I am going to be better at some things and worse at others. Nothing wrong with that.
- I have to stop re-enforcing the idea that I am inferior by liking guys that believe that I am inferior. Those people are in the wrong, and I am not subject to their prejudice or assumptions.
- I need to tear down my emotional wall. The only emotions I convey are happy or angry. With the occasional sadness/loneliness. There are so many more.
Wow… I feel a TON better.
I can’t wait to hit the gym this evening then finish watching American Idol. Or… if something comes up, I can’t wait to do that either.
-=brett=-
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Weekend At Last :: And where am I now?
Posted by bretthperkins on January 22, 2010
Gosh, even though this week was one day shorter, MLK day, it was STILL such a LONG week!!! I am looking forward to this weekend, but it is going to be a busy one. I start Nashville in Harmony tomorrow, there is a breakfast planned for the morning followed by a long rehearsal. Then there is another rehearsal on Sunday. This is the only weekend that we will have rehearsals on both days. It is this season’s kickoff, so it should be fun. I am looking forward to meeting the new people, and I am looking forward to singing again in a more “official” capacity.
I am sure that I will have lots to post about after this weekend, so look for that!
To prepare for the season, I have been recording myself on my phone while driving, then listening to it and picking out when I don’t sound right and working on my trouble spots. I have not actually paid attention to my voice, in terms of proper sounds, in a long time. I love to sing, and I do that quite frequently, but I never really analyzed anything after I stopped singing in Choir at MTSU. I am hopeful that once I get back in practice, and get around other singers, I will start remembering all those tricks and techniques and begin working with Eric on his voice. It will just be a challenge for both of us to find the time to rehearse. We’ll get there, though.
I have kinda stalled on Sharp-blogger… I still think that I have done a LOT and I am pleased with my progress, just really need to find time to focus on it. I think that buying the new desk will help. I am going to develop the program on my desktop at home, and while I loved my old desk, I had never REALLY worked on it, or spent a lot of time actually coding, writing, or otherwise attempting to focus using that desk. What was wrong with the old desk is that it was not designed for more than one monitor. I was able to make it work, though… and make it look nice, but in the end, it just was not right. The monitors were too high, I couldn’t sit with my legs under the desk, I was really far away from the monitors, and the desk surface was too high. I was always re-adjusting the monitors, removing and adding the keyboard drawer, and otherwise fidgeting with the desk, and I spent more time doing that then actually working. I am reminded of Ellen when she sits at her desk to work. She will say that she should write, then she will sit at the desk and look around and say, “Wow, that’s dusty. I can’t work when my desk is that dusty.” So she will go get a rag to dust, then on the way to get the rag, she will pass the cat on the stairs, pet the cat, then get a call from a friend… and never actually work. Ok… so maybe my real problem is procrastination. lol. *shrugs* whatev. I still like my new desk.
It may seem trivial, but a good work space is necessary to do good work, and now I have that, and there is less to fidget with, so I should be set. In theory. lol I am still on track to have a beta ready to test by late spring. 
My diet is still coming along… have lost close to 30 lbs now… and going to the gym more will hopefully yield faster results. I have also started traversing the staircase at work 5 times after lunch every day. It is not much, but I think that it helps in fueling my metabolism, which helps me burn more fat in my idle time. However, I am growing more and more impatient with myself, so I must take this opportunity to remind myself that it took YEARS to get as big as I was, so it is not going to all fall off overnight! To myself: “Get over yourself! You are doing GREAT!!”
And with that, I suppose I should get to work. I am building an Active Directory Test Query app at work so we can troubleshoot Active Directory bugs and communication problems. It is coming along fast and I am learning a TON about Active Directory. Forests and nodes and principals oh my!!
-=brett=-
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