Brett H Perkins – Murfreesboro, Tennessee

You see it all the time in movies, on T.V., and to some degree within your circle of friends.  THAT person walks into the coffee shop and your eyes meet, then you smile, and if the other person smiles back and stay glued to your eyes, you know that this may go somewhere.  Of course, it may go nowhere.  You never know…  The point is that when you see it, you know it.  Here is the problem, though…  This sequence of events is only easy for straight people.  Allow me to explain.  When you are straight, all you have to do is be yourself and if someone of the opposite sex smiles at you *that way*, then you know.  There is usually no question, and regardless of what some may claim, the overwhelmingly vast majority of people are straight, so the likelihood that the person to whom you are smiling is straight is probably high.  There is relatively no risk.  And if, by chance, that person is not straight, the worst that will happen is an awkward laugh and a good-bye.  Usually, a gay person is not offended if they are called straight.

Now, let’s examine that scenario in ‘HomoVision’.  (It’ll catch on).  Imagine that I am sitting at a coffee shop table, or perhaps I am in line.  What happens when I see a guy that catches my eye?  Well…  externally, nothing…  There is too much fear.  I can’t immediately smile *like that* at him.  Why, he may not be gay.  At the moment I see him, instead of acting naturally, I am forced to truly analyze the situation…  I have to watch him, study him…  Look for hints.  Sure, I can say hello, I can shake his hand… but I can’t flirt, I can’t send *those* signals.  Unlike when a gay person is called straight, a straight person being called gay is almost always considered an attack or insult, and there is never really any good way of knowing how that person will react.  Will they get mad?  Will they laugh?  Will they beat the ever-living-Jesus out of me?  I can never know.  So…  That is it.  Nothing happens.  It ends there.  I mean, sometimes you can REALLY tell if a person is gay…  As we have put it before, some gay guys walk around on a cloud as skittles fall out of their butt with each step…  but hell, even then there are doubts:.  Afterall, Richard Simmons says he is straight. *clears throat while rolling eyes*  So you see where I am going…  It is TOO hard to really be myself.  I cannot convey the emotion of liking someone and I dare not  flirt unless, somehow, I already know they are gay.

So where does that leave me?  Well, for security’s sake, that leaves 3 places that I can find gay people without fear.  But with each of those places, there are inherent problems.  Maybe the problems are my perception, maybe they are not my perception at all.  At any rate, I have issues:

1. Online: While I dare not claim that ALL people online are only looking for sex, it becomes very clear that MOST of them are… so when I talk to people on there, I am skeptical.  With every “Hello” I ask myself if they really want to talk or do they just want to “hook up?” So I cannot really carry on a real conversation.  It seems like they all NEVER want to go out and meet somewhere…  and 60% of them have pictures on the site that are, shall I say, not “lady like.”  So it would appear that finding real quality people, honestly, is out of the picture here.  Moving on…
2. Bars/Clubs: At least here, I get to see real honest to goodness people in the real world.  The only bad part is they are all drunk and it is incredibly loud.  Any chance at a real conversation is slim and the odds are, too, that the other person is looking for sex and nothing else.  There seems to be a lack of real quality here.  And, similarly to the online thing, I am immediately skeptical of any guy because I cannot know their true intentions.  Of course, I suppose that I am not supposed to know their intentions…  Taking a risk is part of the game… I get that… but really!?  Why does it have to be game?!  Srsly…  moving on.
3. Pride Events and/or Gay Oriented Community Groups: While I find it very admirable that people have the strength and the courage to be “in your face” about being gay…  that is not my style.  Don’t get me wrong, I will fight when I need to fight, and I will stand up for me and others to injustice and hate, but I do not believe that it is appropriate to make EVERYTHING about being gay then be in your face about it.  I do not like any movement that thrives off of confrontation.  I dislike groups like the NAACP for this reason as well.  We can all get along, and we can all make our points, without being confrontational or over the top.  Anyway, back to the point at hand…  the people at the events, or in these groups, are usually WAY over the top and have such a chip on their shoulder I will never have know what to expect from any situation.  I will wind up arguing or defending more than loving the person, so finding love there is pretty much a no-go, unless I am ready to wave a banner and dress in drag.

So there it is…  I don’t really know what else to do or where else to go.  Although, as I am writing this…  I am beginning to think that there may be a “me” aspect to all of this as well.  I am analytical by nature.  I try to figure stuff out and I think… constantly.  Maybe I am just over thinking each scenario?  Maybe the answer here is to just do my thing and let sh!t happen.  I guess I really cannot be so ready to assume what others are like strictly on the environment.  And maybe I should be open to taking more risks?  Who cares if I smile at the straight guy?  Who cares if the cutie-hot-oh-my-GOD-guy just wants sex?  I will find out all I need to find out with time… THEN make the decision.

All I know is that, so far, all of this thinking has left me in one place, and one place only:

In a coffee shop.  Scared.  And Alone.

-=brett=-