Brett H Perkins – Murfreesboro, Tennessee

My thoughts… My experiences… My life.

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    Brett Perkins

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Archive for March, 2010

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Thought Stream 1

Posted by bretthperkins on March 29, 2010

So… as you can probably tell, I have been busier at work.  My Monday through Friday Facebook posts have dropped sharply. :p  I just got through figuring out the biggest hurdle to the POC (Proof of Concept) to which I am assigned.  The hurdle was this:  somehow transfer the data within an InfoPath file into a Word document to be faxed.  Well, I have been working hard on figuring this out since last Tuesday, and I had a breakthrough this morning, so I am taking a few minutes to relax, because NOT having this part figured out was really starting to stress me.  Coming in this morning, fresh from a good weekend, was a good thing!

I am still having some difficulty connecting with my team.  I don’t know what it is, but it is just OFF here…  the relationships between teammates here just seems awkward.  Of course, before I look at this with a critical eye, maybe  I should take a look at to what I am comparing Kroll.  Jobs of the past have been retail and some technology.  Walmart is far from a professional environment.  Don’t get me wrong, it was professional…  but not in the sense that there are cubicles and desks and things of that nature.  At Walmart, I really had a sense of being a part of the store, and I really felt comfortable being close to my co-workers, and I have forged some of the strongest friendships of my life from people that I met at Walmart. (David and Daniel, Victoria, Jennifer Nichols, Deana, and the list can go on.)  Then I graduated from MTSU and moved onto Deloitte.  And there, I was hired in with a pool of 30 or so other people.  It was very much like a school environment.  We all came in at the same time, we all trained, we all socialize, and we were all instantly bonded to one another.  It really was a good experience!  Then the situations at Deloitte really made a lot of us a family.  We were thrown into an incredibly difficult situation where we were fighting a battle, building a business, and figuring out how we were all going to work…  To some, I was bonded like a family.  I would spend countless hours with the same people day in and day out.  We were in it together…  rewarded together…  challenged together.  Over time, we all started taking out individual paths, some stayed, some left…  but through all we experienced, we genuinely cared for one another, we would work hard for each other, and we had fun doing it!  I really miss those people.  I really connected with them.

Now… I am at Kroll.  I like the people here, but it seems like people really keep themselves distant from each other, from the products, and from the business.  It is really an environment where the sentiment is just this:  I am not going to really go above and beyond, I am not going to take on more that I REALLY have to, and I am going to do everything that I possibly can NOT to be in a situation where I can be held accountable.  And that makes for some pretty nasty politics…  and it really seems to get in the way of forward motion.  I see that simple things take forever because no one “owns” it.  I have to jump through hoops to just get the information I need.  Now, that said… people are always happy to help, and I have never NOT gotten what I need.  It just takes a long time.  But I can feel myself slipping into the mindset of just doing what I HAVE to do and nothing more.  To be honest, I can see the benefit in that… I am not NEARLY as on edge or stressed as I was at Walmart or Deloitte… but I feel less accomplished.

To me, accomplishment is the definition of success.  It does not have to be a significant accomplishment, but there is no better feeling that actually finishing something.  And that is something that seems like it would be missing for me here.  (with the exception of this POC to which I am currently assigned.  I am actually going to finish that one!)  Maybe it is not true that I will not finish anything of significance, and with time, I may gain a better understanding and perspective… but for now, I just see in general that the wheels are spinning in air…  going nowhere.

Alas, though… I am content.  I am employed; the people are nice, if distant.  And they are starting to come around.

I am switching up my work-out today and going forward.  I am joining a “Boot Camp” thing with Kendra.  It will be a lot like P.E. from school (ironically, a class that I hated but am now willing to not only take, but also pay to take).  This should be fun.  I have lost 50 pounds, and I am smaller than I can ever remember being.  The next few months will be tucking in the last bit of weight and tightening up what I can…  :)

-=brett=-

Posted in Diet, Friends, Health, Thought, Work | 2 Comments »

Just an Update :: Nothing Earth-Shattering :)

Posted by bretthperkins on March 17, 2010

So…  I thought I would write a little before getting back to work.  It’s been a bit since I last blogged.  Not much has really changed or happened, honestly…  which is not  a bad thing.  :)

I have been spending a considerable time with my friend Meadow. We went to grade school together.  I really enjoy talking to her.  I wish that we had taken the opportunities in school to get closer, but we didn’t, so it’s all good.  I am just really glad that we are now.  :)   She and I have a lot in common, and have a lot of similar issues, so it really comes as no surprise that the powers-that-be decided to bring her back into my life at this point, as I am actively changing and moving on from my demons… and she is too.  In talking to her about some things, it is like I am talking to myself.  I am telling her the same things that I should be telling myself…  and that is good.  It is also good to have someone in the same boat – someone that understands.  I am not alone in the feelings I have, and there is a tremendous amount of comfort in that, and it helps re-enforce the truth that I am not weird, subpar, or otherwise inferior to those around me simply because the circumstances and situations that make up my history have tainted my outlook for so long.  I just have dwelled on it and not moved passed it when others have.  Of course others’ lives have been different, too…  some are easier, some are harder, but they are all different and we all just have to “grow a pair,” deal with it, and move on.  :)

I have kinda taken a break from working out like I have.  I wasn’t going ALL that much, but some things have come up, some time has been taken away from when I would normally work-out, and a slight break never hurt anybody.  I am still losing weight, and I am still eating SO much better than I ever have…  so it is all good.  It is not the end of the world if I do not work out for a couple of weeks.  I plan on going back on next Monday.  We’ll see how it goes. :)   So far, though, according to my scales this morning, I have lost a total of 48 pounds so far.  I started at 274 lbs on Nov 1, 2009 and today, I weight 226.  I am SO proud of that progress and I know that I will continue that momentum.  I think that when I hit 50 lbs, I am going to have a party. :) and eat!  Heck… I will have earned it.

Nashville in Harmony is still going well.  We finished the promotional materials for the most part, and the poster is at the printer, so that is good.  Just a few more tweaks to work out, and we will be all done.

I have decided to stop sharp-blogger.  I came to this decision after realizing that I was just re-inventing the wheel.  I think that I am going to morph sharp-blogger from a blog system to a C# blogging programmer’s reference where I, and others, can collaborate on C# projects.  Heck, I may just make Sharp-Blogger my site for technology blogs.  IDK.  I know that I am going to split out bretthperkins.com and brett :: open source.  Maybe I will move brett :: open source to sharp-blogger?!  Anywho, I am going to use the ‘Blog Engine .NET’ framework as my primary content management system and build a custom site around that.  It will be significantly less work with an identical payoff, so it is a win-win.

With that, it’s now pretty much 1:00 so I should get back to work.  I’m playing in Info Path.  And it kinda sucks. :(   BUT… it is work… and I wanted work.

-=brett=-

Posted in Diet, Friends, Health, Technology, Thought, Work | Leave a Comment »

Moods. Moods. and More Moods. -!-

Posted by bretthperkins on March 8, 2010

So what gives?!  LOL.  The age old question, I suppose…  but why can’t I just be happy all the time?!?  Can I get a pill for that?  Kidding!  But seriously…  what is up with moods?

Like… I understand and accept that I will change moods.   That is fine, but I am having a really hard time accepting the severity and speed with which my moods change.  I can’t say with any certainty that there is anything new in these mood swings, or if they have always been there and I am just now paying them attention, but either way…  They need some work.  I noticed on Saturday, for example, that I was feeling great, went to get Kendra, spent time with her and most of my family, and was really happy.  Then, on the way home, I started to feel kinda down…  but nothing really major.

On Sunday, it was about the same, actually…  I woke pretty happy, had lunch with Kendra (Hey, this window is transparent!), and then went to Jozoara.  My mood changed between lunch and JoZoara, then got better again as I headed into Nashville for rehearsal.  I was pretty happy.  I was happy all the way until I got home…  Then I had dinner.  That’s it!!!

It is triggered by food.  Ah, I love blogging!!  For so long, I have been fat.  Yes, I know that there are fatter people out there, and yes, I know that being fat isn’t the worse thing in the world… anywho, moving on…  I have been fat.  And I have loathed myself for it.  I hated myself.  I feel like I should write in here that this is not about to be a “Woe is me – cry me a river – sad story.”  I am going somewhere with this. :)   Anywho…  because I hated myself, I continued to just be who I was because no matter what, I there was never anything I could do about it.  No matter what I would just be fat.  And I was internally so hard on myself.  I was so angry that I could not make the changes necessary to make a better me, and I was so mad at the world for placing so much emphasis on looks.  In the real world, or at least in my perception of the real world, fat people were not worthy of being loved, so I did not feel all the love that was around me every day.  Anywho, all that is to say that all of those feelings of neglect, abandonment, pity, anger, jealousy, and hate festered in me and grew so strong that I was no longer stable.  Anything would set me off.  Sure, I could control it for a while, but eventually, it all came up and came out.  Ask any of my friends… I can blow up like Mt. St. Helen’s.  (Btw, I still have all of these friends, so clearly the feelings of abandonment and neglect are irrational…  clearly I have never been alone, and I have always been loved!) Anyway, so how does all of that relate to how this bog started?!  Well…  it is a vivid truth that there is usually only one way to become fat (barring medical conditions) and that is to eat bad foods and stay sedentary.  So in my mind, those bad foods are a very real, tangible manifestation of those terrible emotions that have existed in me for SO long.  I have worked so hard to purge myself of all of this negativity that, emotionally, eating those bad foods is like I am eating neglect, abandonment, pity, anger, jealousy, and hate.  And when I eat them, I feel them…  and my mood changes!  Of course, what is wrong is my association of those foods to emotions, not the fact that I ate those foods.  There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with having those foods as long as they are not your norm.  They have to be the exception.  (And they are so, so yummy!)

I have never really understood the importance of a “cheat” day until this moment.  It is not about the food!  It is about allowing me freedom.  Freedom to understand that I am not perfect, that I am going to do things that are not healthy.  And you know what?!  All of that is perfectly ok!!!  I am not going to magically gain back the 43 lbs that I have already lost because I had one bad day!  The important thing here is that I have committed to a lifestyle of health, and in that health is not only nutrition and exercise.  It is in the mind. I know that if I can lose 43 pounds in 18 weeks, and if I can maintain a 2-per-week gym routine, and now jog 2 miles when I could barely walk up more than 3 flights of stairs, then I can have one bad day a week without feeling bad about it.

I cannot continue eating yesterday’s hate, in doing so, I will never be able to enjoy today’s love.

-=brett=-

Posted in Diet, Health, Thought | 1 Comment »

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