Okay… this entry may be a lengthy one and a bit emo. Consider yourself warned.
For those that may not have been reading, I decided that I was going to really take 6 months to a year to work on some things that I perceive to be areas in which I can improve. This includes weight, attitude, patience, temper, fitness, and confidence.
Weight Loss and Fitness
So the weight is continuing to roll off at the same rate (about 2 lbs per week). This makes me happy… So I’m gonna keep that up. Weight training starts next week, I think… Just need to set up an appointment with a trainer to get me going. I have not decided if I am going to get a personal trainer on a full-time basis or just use the 2 or 3 free visits I get with my gym membership. My friend, and former co-worker, Heather has a trainer and she says it makes a huge difference, so we’ll see.
I had a personal milestone last Wednesday!! For the first time EVER in my life, I was able to jog, comfortably, for 1.5 miles without slowing down or stopping. No pain, no discomfort, and my heart rate stayed in the 160 area where it should be. When I first started going to the gym in November, I jogged once for like a minute and my heart rate rocketed up to 180 and I was in pain. I was like… WTF?! But now, 3 months later, and 38 pounds lighter, I can do it! It is real, measurable progress. I can’t wait to tonight. I am going to push for 2 miles.
Attitude, Patience, and Temper
This one, I think, is making progress. I just need help from friends on this because sometimes, I am not sure when I am giving attitude, so a few of them I have asked to kind of poke me or alert me when I am doing it so I can fix it. Eventually, it will all go away, hopefully. Of course, I have a strong and sarcastic personality, so sometimes that is mistaken with attitude… and I have no plans of changing my personality, so anyone that can’t distinguish them will just have to learn me or get over it. 
I know that there is a lot of pent up anger in my system, and so these three things are really hard to deal with until that anger is gone and I become comfortable expressing myself when things bother me… and I am getting better at that. Just gotta keep it going and make sure that when I express when things bother me, I do so in a way that is not off-putting.
Where does the anger come from, though? That one is a far more complicated. I think that it stems from some childhood stuff (see confidence below for that) but I want to say that it goes beyond that. Maybe it doesn’t… you know… I just don’t know. I have not really been successful in the relationship department, so there is some frustration there. I really don’t think that I am good enough for anyone, which is a symptom of my lack of confidence, but then, when people do come along that show interest, I become too picky. Because I am not confident in myself, I clam up and get all nervous when talking to the person, then they don’t get to see the real me. I also see how things work with friends of mine that seem to have this forward facing idea or relationships with this “double-standard” reality. I don’t get it. Don’t get me wrong, I have made my share of mistakes and bad decisions, but it’s so frustrating that I am trying to go slow when no one else expects it. It is so confusing! A friend will tell me that he has a crush and wants to just hang out, they make plans to hang out, cuddle, whatever, and they just rush right into sex. I guess I am too honest? If I say that I just want to hang out and get to know someone, that is what I do… and when I don’t take them to the bedroom, then they never call back! Ah…. I am such a girl.
And why will people not text me back… or text me first? I have to start everything! I am worth the effort to text back and I am worth the effort to call. But no one ever does. 
That’s okay, though. It’s more efficient to find out now that they aren’t interested then 3 months from now.
Oooh! I think that I found the anger. I don’t feel like I am worth anything because people don’t really treat me like I am when it comes to dating. When I start liking someone and they reciprocate the interest, I have this expectation that maybe they are thinking about me. They will text me or call me. But it is rare that the person actually does. I have to push and push to get anything, and that is not right. I should not have to push! And I am not going to anymore. If I have to put forth THAT much effort and the other person is not, then clearly, they are not interested, so why am I wasting my time and emotions? It’s not worth it! It should come naturally.
Confidence
What the hell is wrong with me!? Why don’t I have confidence?! Well, I actually know the answer to this one: history. Sometimes it takes a shrink to help you figure this one out, but I think that I got it. It is something with which I have always struggled. It stems from a life of being the fat kid, the nerdy kid with glasses, the kid people made fun of, and the kid people would befriend. Only when they would befriend me, I would later, almost always, find out that they are all being nice only to my face. Behind the scenes, they were saying really bad things about me. That causes me to really lose trust. So in new groups, it takes a minute to come out of my shell… and it takes a really long time to really begin to trust someone.
Of course the confidence issue is not only present in interpersonal relationships with friends and boyfriend types… it is everywhere. I am a really good singer, and I am confident in front of my friends, but when I get in front of people that are new, like Nashville in Harmony, I lose all confidence and my voice suffers. It’s because I don’t trust them, and I do not want them to talk about me behind my back, so I try to do only good enough to NOT get talked about… the only problem is that this works… too well. Sure, they don’t talk about how bad I was, because I wasn’t bad. But because I held back, I did not make a positive impression either, so I sabotaged myself. That stops right now. I picked up on that last night at my audition. I did well, but only because Don, the Director, told me I was being too plain and that I should style it up some. After he said that, I got more comfortable, did my thing, and it was good. At least they told me it was really good. We’ll see when they post the results.
This confidence thing happens at work too… and now that I am typing this, I see that it is the same exact thing. I don’t want people to talk about me… so I don’t give them any material. Fuck it. I am smart, I have great ideas, and I should be proud to express them. So I shall. I did at Deloitte and it got me far. Of course, there is another angle to this one, which is do I want to be more vocal about things. With speaking up comes more work, and I have to say that I am enjoying the peace and relaxation. So maybe I will just keep my thoughts to myself a bit longer here… but just take pride knowing that I really am just as smart, if not smarter than them.
Ah… another thought…. I compare myself to others TOO DAMN MUCH!!! Why do I do this? Why, after I have been told MANY times my MANY people that I do it, do I continue!? This makes no sense. I am me, and that is it. There is no one else that I can be, so why try? I compare EVERYTHING!! My mannerisms, my intelligence, my friend count on Facebook, my weight, my hair, my clothes, my apartment, my computer… everything. And for what? It is certainly not making me happier. Well… some of it is. I get happy when I perceive that my stuff is better. But why does that matter? It is just stuff! Doing this makes me seem like an arrogant douche. For so long, I have gone on with this idea that I am inferior and that everyone is better so I have to ALWAYS one-up someone. I have to win. And, while, a competitive nature is not always a bad thing, there is a time and a place. So that has to stop now too.
Looks like I have a list of the next few things to improve upon.
- I should care what others think, yes… but I have to be myself while being myself. That way, what others are thinking will be about the real me, and not some mask. Those that don’t like me… don’t have to. I’m still awesome.
- I just need to go with the flow, mostly. Why do I have to stick to a plan for everything?
- I really need to let go of the past. And maybe with this blog entry, I will have started that process. *waves goodbye*
- I have to stop comparing me to everyone else. I am going to be better at some things and worse at others. Nothing wrong with that.
- I have to stop re-enforcing the idea that I am inferior by liking guys that believe that I am inferior. Those people are in the wrong, and I am not subject to their prejudice or assumptions.
- I need to tear down my emotional wall. The only emotions I convey are happy or angry. With the occasional sadness/loneliness. There are so many more.
Wow… I feel a TON better.
I can’t wait to hit the gym this evening then finish watching American Idol. Or… if something comes up, I can’t wait to do that either.
-=brett=-
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Ellen on Idol :: Great Potential!!
Posted by bretthperkins on February 9, 2010
At long last, the day is upon us!!! Ellen begins on American Idol tonight!
Of course, we all miss Paula, and we will all miss the constant and, at times, awkward interactions between her and Simon, but I do believe that it was time for a change. Paula, while popular and fun, did not offer any insight to the contestants, and was never more than a playful side-kick for the much more serious judges Randy, Simon, and as of last season, Kara. With that said, I do credit her with making the show successful, as I believe that it would have had a harder time without her. We love you Paula! No doubt!
Moving onto a bigger, brighter, and much more serious Idol, we have Ellen. Of course, you may ask: “What kind of insight can Ellen offer? How can you claim that the show will be more serious when Ellen is a comedienne? Ellen does not have any music background, so what will she be able to tell the contestants?” To the person that may ask these questions, I say to you that your questions are valid, I share them, and here are my hopes for those questions:
What kind of insight can Ellen offer?
Well… I think that she can offer a lot! Let’s look at the judges:
Now let’s look at Ellen. Ellen is the embodiment of current. She is in, she gets the public, she knows how to connect with the viewer, and more than anything, she represents US! No, I do not mean the gay community… I mean the consumer. She represents what America will like and what America will buy. That is very powerful insight, in my opinion, and something that I think the show has been lacking. It is easy to say you sing well or you sing poorly… it is not as easy, I think, to hear something and say, “That will sell!” Of course, I am not advocating that we lose sight of talent for the sake of money, but let’s be real for a moment… whether you agree that it is right or wrong, the market, for now, is about what will sell first, with talent trailing behind. (I for one would like talent to be more important, but that is not what is happening.)
How can you claim that the show will be more serious when Ellen is a comedienne?
Because Simon is mean. Okay… what was Paula’s job on the show? Make people laugh after Simon burns them. Well, maybe that was not her ‘job’ on paper, but that is what she did… Time and time again. Their little fights and her comments and mannerisms (clapping above her head) were necessary to release the tension. I don’t know about the contestant, but I always felt nervous when Simon was mean, and I can only imagine that the contestant felt a million times worse. This was the good thing with Paula.
The only problem was that people perceived her as ditsy and unimportant. When she spouted off nonsense, we just said, “Oh Paula…” and moved on. Sometimes, she really offered great insight and advice, only to be ignored as a result of perception. This was unfortunate, and I believe this partly led to her departure.
But more serious with Ellen, you say? Yes. I say! Ellen is more than capable of breaking the tension, and she is coming into this show not from the B-list, where Paula lived prior to Idol, but from the A-List. She is well-known, current, intelligent, and respected. Will she be a comic? Yes… but people will ACTUALLY hear what she has to say… and this is a GREAT thing, in my opinion.
Ellen does not have any music background, so what will she be able to tell the contestants?
As I mentioned in the first question’s answer, I believe that she will be able to offer some of what you or I may think or say to the contestant, and as we have seen so many times, the contestant will be able to hear from the consumer if their art will sell, or if they have work to do. Very talented people, I believe, have not done well because they were allowed to succeed at Idol without the public’s opinion only to release their art and fail because it was not in the form the public would adopt. This is a terrible disservice to very talented people.
So there you have it… This is what I think. I, for one, think she has great potential, but only time will tell if Ellen will be the great success on Idol she deserves to be.
-=brett=-
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