This is important to note: While some recent events may have initiated the thoughts in this blog entry, please know that there is no motive here, aside from soliciting advice (why it’s not private). These are the thoughts and questions that I am asking myself in my head to hopefully figure out how to better handle things in the future. I am all ears, and any advice that my readers can offer is very appreciated. -=brett=-

BEGIN RANT :: I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am a person. I have emotions, sometimes things bother me. Sometimes those things are strictly internal, sometimes they are caused by a person, and sometimes, it is a combination of both. At any rate, I am justified in ANY feeling I have whether anyone agrees with it or not. They are MY feelings GOD-DAMNIT and I am allowed to have them! *Sigh* now that that is out of my system… :: END RANT

Here is my quandary:

Any time that I have just tried to be relaxed about something, indifferent… people ask me, “What is wrong!? You are not yourself.” So that tells me that I do not have the aura of a relaxing person. This, to me, is a problem because one thing above all others that people like about other people is the ability to be “laid-back”.

I know that I am a take-charge kind of guy. Anyone that has EVER befriended me, worked with me, or otherwise interacted with me will tell you this. It is who I am. But it is seriously screwing with me. Because of who I am, and the traits that I possess, I am beginning to think that the perception my friends and acquaintances have of me is that:

I am impatient.

I am too quick to point out when something is wrong.

I let small things trigger an out-of-proportion reaction.

I cannot just relax and play games.

I cannot just hang out.

I have to have a purpose or I won’t do it.

I know what I want.

I am bossy.

I am not fun to be around all the time.

I am picky.

I have acknowledged this before… and I have taken action to really change the “negative” things on that list in the past (not recently, but I have changed them before). Don’t get me wrong, it is not all bad, but some things, I felt, could have changed. So I have gone out, been relaxed, tried to go with the flow, didn’t say anything outside of normal conversation, and didn’t try to steer the group. I just existed… and people would then ask “What is wrong?!” I don’t get it. I cannot be me without people thinking those terrible things about me, and I cannot change because then I am not being me… so where is the middle ground? I know, I know… some people are going to tell me that I should really not care about what others think, that I should just be me… and to those people, I say you may be right, for you… but I really DO care what people think of me. I don’t want to put people off because I am sometimes so harsh. I don’t know… It’s like an identity crisis. A paradox… if I act the way I am, then people will not think good things of me, but when I change, people remark that I am not being me. It is so confusing.

And another thing… are you or are you not supposed to talk about things that bother you?

I still do not understand when it is appropriate, or the proper manner in which, to bring up topics that are causing me problems. A lot of times, I just have to relax and let it go, and that works when I actually let things go… but if I bottle things up, they explode – which never ends well.

Of course, most people have told me that I should really speak up and say that something is bothering me to the appropriate person, but sometimes, that really just does not go well at all, and I am NOT a fan of conflict, or at least, I try not to cause conflict… but the more I think about it, the more I realize that all I do is cause conflict. I don’t know how this happened. I just want peace… I want people to get along, and I want people to have fun and be relaxed. Why can’t I accomplish this? And when can I know the right time to talk about what bothers me, and how do I decided the right mechanism? Should I email, talk, call, text, or just avoid it all together? I just do not know.

I have always told people that it is best to just communicate to the person the best way you can… sometimes, things come up in the middle of the day and you can’t talk to them in person, but you feel like it is really pressing, so you text or email… but then, the email is read wrong, or the intention of the message was not realized. How do you dig out of that? No one calls anyone anymore, so we don’t do that… so what then? I don’t know.

And what is the best way of dealing with the situation when you are communicating that something bothers you only to hear that the person to whom you are communicating thinks that you are wrong to have those feelings? To me, that is the ultimate insult… It is like the person is saying that you do not have the right to be bothered by something.

I guess I just still have a lot of soul searching to do… and I guess I really need to start accepting who I am, and what I am… and getting used to the fact that people are going to think bad things, so why worry about it?

-=brett=-

Another relatively slow day at work. I have asked and asked about stuff to do, but the reality is that there just isn’t… for now. And to be honest, I can only read and self-train so much before my attention span has been exhausted. Alas, that is where I am now. That combined with the thoughts that are going through my mind. It’s all personal stuff really, things with which I have always struggled.

Anyone knows me will tell you that I can be a bit on the snippy-side, and for good reason, most of the time. But it is just who I am, it’s how I communicate. The intention is not to be mean, I just know how I want things to go, and I don’t sit idle if I feel like they are not going the way I think they need to go… Of course, the question comes up: Who am I to decide for the group? And you know what? That is a really valid question. I like to think of myself as a leader, and sometimes, I think that I take that a bit too far in some settings. There is a time and a place for everything, and sometimes, I assert the “inner-leader” in the wrong situations, and it comes off as bossy and/or snippy, when in actuality, I am just trying to keep things moving, and keep people going. A good example of this is when playing games with friends. It’s a game, for goodness sake, and should be an enjoyable relaxing time with friends, but I get too preoccupied with the game and not the friends. For example, yesterday, we were all trying to play this new game, and no one had ever played it. We were getting going, but it seemed like every 2 seconds, people were talking and joking and just not focusing on the game. Most people would be like, “So what? We’ll do both. It’s no big deal.” But not me. I begin to almost “reprimand” people for not really paying attention to the game. And that just sucks ANY fun out of it. So I should really, consciously, ask myself if it matters, then act. Of course, I think that at some point we are all in a situation where the goal set forth is not accomplished for whatever reason, be it a game, and outing, or some other thing. And yeah, I am sure that at some point we have all gotten a little frustrated at “that person” that seems to always take the group off course of the intended destination or result. But who am I to speak up? But I do, life goes on, someone usually says I am being bitchy, and we move on. It goes without saying that the scenario just mentioned is trivial. And it is clear that I am not afraid to speak up… about trivial things. I suppose that, from the outside looking in, it may seem like I have confidence; that I have no fear of letting people know what bothers me… and to some degree, that is correct, however, I tend to only limit myself to things of the trivial sort. This, of course, is no big deal… until something that is not trivial is bothering me. It is at that point that I have difficulty expressing what ills me. In my head, I think to myself that if I say something, people will just think that I am looking for another reason to bitch about something, and they will not take it seriously. Of course, when something is really bothering you, and the other person does not take it seriously, the situation can get out-of-hand rather quickly… *sigh* All of this, really, is just to say that as much as I thought I was wise, and as much as I thought I really knew how to pick my battles, I don’t. I realized that yesterday at JoZoara, and have more work to do, yet.

Another thing, about myself, that I found alarming is that I was incredibly rude to someone for no reason, or at least for no reason within the context of the moment in which I was rude. Something I have really struggled with is when something bothers me about someone, or a situation, I let it fester. I let it escalate and elevate to the point where I am ready to burst, and then… it does. I usually have a valid concern for the feelings that I have for the situation, I just do not use the appropriate outlet for those concerns. A analogy for this can be found in retail. If a customer is really mad that the store is out-of-stock of a desired item, the customer typically gets really angry, or exchanges words with, the cashier, stocker, sales associate, or equivalent. This response is neither productive nor appropriate and only makes the customer look childish, thus diminishing the validity of his/her concern. As justified as the concern may be, anyone involved at this point will be less likely to take the customer seriously, which as stated before, will cause things to go out-of-hand rather quickly. The same thing can be said when dealing with just about any other situation. There is the right way to handle something and the wrong way. In the retail example, the right thing to do would have been to calmly walk up to the Customer Service desk, or call a customer relations phone number, and ask to speak to a person of authority to address the concern. Nothing may happen, something may happen, but you have dealt with it in the appropriate manner. For me, I should make sure that, going forward, I talk to the person with whom I have issue, at the time I become aware of the issue. This way, I can save myself the troubling situation of bowing up, then apologizing, and lowering my credibility for what is a valid concern. With anything kind of conflict, or awkward situation, the probability that things will be worked out is pretty high among those in which a mutual caring friendship is shared. In the event that a reasonable conclusion cannot be met, I can at least leave the situation knowing that I did all that I could in an appropriate manner. Whatever reaction the other person may have will only reveal more about their character and allow me to make more educated decisions regarding that person in the future. *waves hands* I digress. I learned more about me, and that is a good thing.

And now it is 12:10, and I am hungry, so to lunch I go. Gym later, then home.

-=brett=-