It’s such a catch 22, because, to be honest… a lot of the things about me that I consider negative have really yielded some wonderful things, so maybe I should focus on that as opposed to changing everything… not saying that I still cannot make improvements, because I can and ~will~. You know, it is like being a dog and trying to act like a cat because you think that a cat acts better than a dog. When the dog starts acting like a cat, people start wondering whats up, when, really, the dog should just work on being a better dog. People are different, I am different, and we all like different things in people. What I need to do is take this list of things that I think are bad and analyze each one and see what I can do to retain the trait and lose the negativity, if any ~truly~ exists.

1. I am impatient.
- So I will just have to learn to be more patient, or find ways to speed things up without being rude or emotional.
2. I am too quick to point out when something is wrong.
- That is because I have a critical eye (a really good thing). I just need to point the information out that NEEDS to be pointed out and keep the rest to myself.
3. I let small things trigger an out-of-proportion reaction.
- Exercise better control and really think before doing anything. Change my reflex from react to think.
4. I cannot just relax and play games.
- I actually can… very well. 1, 2, and 3 get in the way here.
5. I cannot just hang out.
- Not a REAL issue. Again, see 1, 2, and 3.
6. I have to have a purpose or I won’t do it.
- How is this a bad thing? Sometimes the purpose is no more than just doing it.
7. I know what I want.
- Again, probably not a bad thing. Better methods of asserting my desires are called for.
8. I am bossy.
- Assert myself more constructively. I do this very well in a professional setting, so maybe I should port my habits over to the personal realm.
9. I am not fun to be around all the time.
- No one is. It’s life. Get over it.
10. I am picky.
- Yep.

It worries me that you state this as though it is an undeniable absolute truth and I think this speaks volumes
to the issue at hand. This is your opinion and what ~you~ think about others yet you state it as proven fact. This
strongly suggests to me that ~you~ very intensly value others who are “laid-back” above all else. I personally
do not value “being laid-back” as a positive or negative characteristic. (Being TOO uptight is a totally
different issue) I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I think you’re over-emphasizing the value of being laid-back. If you think about it, I think you might realize that several of our closer mutual friends aren’t particularly laid back, they’re just quiet (or incredibly loud in some instances).

Do you think that maybe you idealize those that appear to “roll with the punches” simply because that is something
you wish came easier to you? Or maybe you value this trait so much because, as you yourself have stated, you like to be
in control and it’s easier to ~feel~ like you’re in control of laid back people (but the truth is that you’re not).

Trust me, I’m getting to a point. You have a habit of beating yourself up if you’re not absolutely amazing at something
instantly because you’re a perfectionist. (This can be a really good thing if you use it to your advantage but I feel
like you let it bring you down sometimes). Do you think that maybe you look at how much ~you~ enjoy being around laid-back
people and assume that you yourself need to be laid-back for people to like you more? It’s true that you ~can~ be tense
and I’m not saying you shouldn’t work on that, but you have a lot of friends that really care about you so
obviously you’re doing something right. I think that maybe you see being more relaxed as a task at hand (which is very
contrary to the purpose). So when you’re sitting with a group of friends, trying to be laid-back, and then you have this
thought of how frustrated you are that things aren’t going your way, you start beating yourself up for having the thought
(because it’s not what a laid-back person would think). THAT is when people start asking you what is wrong. If this is the
case (As always, it’s very possible that I’m completely off-base) then maybe it would help to try this when you have
these thoughts: Acknowledge the negative thought that you just had about yourself (“I just told myself that there is
something wrong with me because I’m not as laid back as I would like”) and then let it go. Go back to focusing on
having fun. Acknowledge the negativity (don’t pretend it’s not there) and move on.

That being said, I don’t think you’re giving yourself credit for how much you have changed over the last few years. I’m not
trying to bring the post to being about me, but there is a conversation that we had three years ago and just happened
to have the same conversation again recently. I want you to look at the difference.

Roughly 3.5 years ago:

Brett (to me): You’re eyes are brown.
Me: My eyes are green.
Brett: You’re eyes are brown. (You then proceeded to tell the person next to me what color their eyes were).
Me: No, they’re green.
Brett: No, they’re brown.
Me: No. They’re green.
Brett: No. They’re brown.
Me: They look brown from far away, but if you’re within a couple of feet you can see that they’re
actually dark green.
Brett (to Kendra): Check her eyes
Kendra: They’re green.
Brett: Oh. (And you said it in a rather annoyed way and appeared as though you were tempted to come check them yourself)

About a month ago:
Brett (to me) : You’re eyes are brown.
Me: My eyes are green.
Brett: Oh, they look brown from over here.
Me: Yeah, you have to be closer, but they’re actually dark green.
Brett: Oh. ( This time when you said “Oh.” it was very off the cuff and there wasn’t any annoyance behind it. You were
just accepting a fact)

I realize that this seems like a very trivial conversation (and an even more trivial thing to remember) but the truth
is that there is a HUGE difference here. Same topic, same ending, difference conversation ~entirely~.

Sometimes when you make changes, it takes a while for the people around you to change their perception of you.
(Or to even accept that it will be a lasting change) So when
you are trying to be less controlling and that’s what people are used to it’s not that they prefer you one way or the
other, it’s that you’re acting out of the norm. (And you already know it’s your norm because you’re trying to change it)
A few years ago you told me that you don’t invite me to things because I’m difficult to make plans with. I reflected on that
and realized you were right and worked to change it, but I’d be willing to bet that you held onto that perception of me
for a long time after I had made a concious effort to change. The people that matter will notice the change eventually
and the people that don’t matter aren’t paying attention anyway.

As far as dealing with people when there are conflicts that never gets easier, especially when it’s someone that you
see every single day for years on end. It might be a good idea to use a “moderator” of sorts to deal with issues if
communication seems to be a problem.

Sorry for such a long response and once again, I might be completely wrong about all of it but these are just my
observations.