Super-sized Thought Bubble
Posted by bretthperkins on January 20, 2010
This is important to note: While some recent events may have initiated the thoughts in this blog entry, please know that there is no motive here, aside from soliciting advice (why it’s not private). These are the thoughts and questions that I am asking myself in my head to hopefully figure out how to better handle things in the future. I am all ears, and any advice that my readers can offer is very appreciated. -=brett=-
BEGIN RANT :: I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am a person. I have emotions, sometimes things bother me. Sometimes those things are strictly internal, sometimes they are caused by a person, and sometimes, it is a combination of both. At any rate, I am justified in ANY feeling I have whether anyone agrees with it or not. They are MY feelings GOD-DAMNIT and I am allowed to have them! *Sigh* now that that is out of my system… 
:: END RANT
Here is my quandary:
Any time that I have just tried to be relaxed about something, indifferent… people ask me, “What is wrong!? You are not yourself.” So that tells me that I do not have the aura of a relaxing person. This, to me, is a problem because one thing above all others that people like about other people is the ability to be “laid-back”.
I know that I am a take-charge kind of guy. Anyone that has EVER befriended me, worked with me, or otherwise interacted with me will tell you this. It is who I am. But it is seriously screwing with me. Because of who I am, and the traits that I possess, I am beginning to think that the perception my friends and acquaintances have of me is that:
I am impatient.
I am too quick to point out when something is wrong.
I let small things trigger an out-of-proportion reaction.
I cannot just relax and play games.
I cannot just hang out.
I have to have a purpose or I won’t do it.
I know what I want.
I am bossy.
I am not fun to be around all the time.
I am picky.
I have acknowledged this before… and I have taken action to really change the “negative” things on that list in the past (not recently, but I have changed them before). Don’t get me wrong, it is not all bad, but some things, I felt, could have changed. So I have gone out, been relaxed, tried to go with the flow, didn’t say anything outside of normal conversation, and didn’t try to steer the group. I just existed… and people would then ask “What is wrong?!” I don’t get it. I cannot be me without people thinking those terrible things about me, and I cannot change because then I am not being me… so where is the middle ground? I know, I know… some people are going to tell me that I should really not care about what others think, that I should just be me… and to those people, I say you may be right, for you… but I really DO care what people think of me. I don’t want to put people off because I am sometimes so harsh. I don’t know… It’s like an identity crisis. A paradox… if I act the way I am, then people will not think good things of me, but when I change, people remark that I am not being me. It is so confusing.
And another thing… are you or are you not supposed to talk about things that bother you?
I still do not understand when it is appropriate, or the proper manner in which, to bring up topics that are causing me problems. A lot of times, I just have to relax and let it go, and that works when I actually let things go… but if I bottle things up, they explode – which never ends well.
Of course, most people have told me that I should really speak up and say that something is bothering me to the appropriate person, but sometimes, that really just does not go well at all, and I am NOT a fan of conflict, or at least, I try not to cause conflict… but the more I think about it, the more I realize that all I do is cause conflict. I don’t know how this happened. I just want peace… I want people to get along, and I want people to have fun and be relaxed. Why can’t I accomplish this? And when can I know the right time to talk about what bothers me, and how do I decided the right mechanism? Should I email, talk, call, text, or just avoid it all together? I just do not know.
I have always told people that it is best to just communicate to the person the best way you can… sometimes, things come up in the middle of the day and you can’t talk to them in person, but you feel like it is really pressing, so you text or email… but then, the email is read wrong, or the intention of the message was not realized. How do you dig out of that? No one calls anyone anymore, so we don’t do that… so what then? I don’t know.
And what is the best way of dealing with the situation when you are communicating that something bothers you only to hear that the person to whom you are communicating thinks that you are wrong to have those feelings? To me, that is the ultimate insult… It is like the person is saying that you do not have the right to be bothered by something.
I guess I just still have a lot of soul searching to do… and I guess I really need to start accepting who I am, and what I am… and getting used to the fact that people are going to think bad things, so why worry about it?
-=brett=-
visawesome said
“one thing above all others that people like about other people is the ability to be “laid-back”.”
It worries me that you state this as though it is an undeniable absolute truth and I think this speaks volumes
to the issue at hand. This is your opinion and what ~you~ think about others yet you state it as proven fact. This
strongly suggests to me that ~you~ very intensly value others who are “laid-back” above all else. I personally
do not value “being laid-back” as a positive or negative characteristic. (Being TOO uptight is a totally
different issue) I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I think you’re over-emphasizing the value of being laid-back. If you think about it, I think you might realize that several of our closer mutual friends aren’t particularly laid back, they’re just quiet (or incredibly loud in some instances).
Do you think that maybe you idealize those that appear to “roll with the punches” simply because that is something
you wish came easier to you? Or maybe you value this trait so much because, as you yourself have stated, you like to be
in control and it’s easier to ~feel~ like you’re in control of laid back people (but the truth is that you’re not).
Trust me, I’m getting to a point. You have a habit of beating yourself up if you’re not absolutely amazing at something
instantly because you’re a perfectionist. (This can be a really good thing if you use it to your advantage but I feel
like you let it bring you down sometimes). Do you think that maybe you look at how much ~you~ enjoy being around laid-back
people and assume that you yourself need to be laid-back for people to like you more? It’s true that you ~can~ be tense
and I’m not saying you shouldn’t work on that, but you have a lot of friends that really care about you so
obviously you’re doing something right. I think that maybe you see being more relaxed as a task at hand (which is very
contrary to the purpose). So when you’re sitting with a group of friends, trying to be laid-back, and then you have this
thought of how frustrated you are that things aren’t going your way, you start beating yourself up for having the thought
(because it’s not what a laid-back person would think). THAT is when people start asking you what is wrong. If this is the
case (As always, it’s very possible that I’m completely off-base) then maybe it would help to try this when you have
these thoughts: Acknowledge the negative thought that you just had about yourself (“I just told myself that there is
something wrong with me because I’m not as laid back as I would like”) and then let it go. Go back to focusing on
having fun. Acknowledge the negativity (don’t pretend it’s not there) and move on.
That being said, I don’t think you’re giving yourself credit for how much you have changed over the last few years. I’m not
trying to bring the post to being about me, but there is a conversation that we had three years ago and just happened
to have the same conversation again recently. I want you to look at the difference.
Roughly 3.5 years ago:
Brett (to me): You’re eyes are brown.
Me: My eyes are green.
Brett: You’re eyes are brown. (You then proceeded to tell the person next to me what color their eyes were).
Me: No, they’re green.
Brett: No, they’re brown.
Me: No. They’re green.
Brett: No. They’re brown.
Me: They look brown from far away, but if you’re within a couple of feet you can see that they’re
actually dark green.
Brett (to Kendra): Check her eyes
Kendra: They’re green.
Brett: Oh. (And you said it in a rather annoyed way and appeared as though you were tempted to come check them yourself)
About a month ago:
Brett (to me) : You’re eyes are brown.
Me: My eyes are green.
Brett: Oh, they look brown from over here.
Me: Yeah, you have to be closer, but they’re actually dark green.
Brett: Oh. ( This time when you said “Oh.” it was very off the cuff and there wasn’t any annoyance behind it. You were
just accepting a fact)
I realize that this seems like a very trivial conversation (and an even more trivial thing to remember) but the truth
is that there is a HUGE difference here. Same topic, same ending, difference conversation ~entirely~.
Sometimes when you make changes, it takes a while for the people around you to change their perception of you.
(Or to even accept that it will be a lasting change) So when
you are trying to be less controlling and that’s what people are used to it’s not that they prefer you one way or the
other, it’s that you’re acting out of the norm. (And you already know it’s your norm because you’re trying to change it)
A few years ago you told me that you don’t invite me to things because I’m difficult to make plans with. I reflected on that
and realized you were right and worked to change it, but I’d be willing to bet that you held onto that perception of me
for a long time after I had made a concious effort to change. The people that matter will notice the change eventually
and the people that don’t matter aren’t paying attention anyway.
As far as dealing with people when there are conflicts that never gets easier, especially when it’s someone that you
see every single day for years on end. It might be a good idea to use a “moderator” of sorts to deal with issues if
communication seems to be a problem.
Sorry for such a long response and once again, I might be completely wrong about all of it but these are just my
observations.
bretthperkins said
I think that you hit the nail right on the head. What bothers me most, though, is that when I am in a new setting, or when a new person enters out group, or just meets me, then the first impression they typically get is the “up-tight” Brett, and that usually leaves a lasting impression on people, and those people never get the chance to really meet me. There is more to me than the brash surface… I just want to pretty up the outside some, both physically and behaviorally, so that people can get and idea of the true me. I guess I think that I am making progress, but it is not something that will happen overnight, and honestly, even as I sit here and write this, I am becoming frustrated that after all this time I am still struggling with this issue.
It’s such a catch 22, because, to be honest… a lot of the things about me that I consider negative have really yielded some wonderful things, so maybe I should focus on that as opposed to changing everything… not saying that I still cannot make improvements, because I can and ~will~. You know, it is like being a dog and trying to act like a cat because you think that a cat acts better than a dog. When the dog starts acting like a cat, people start wondering whats up, when, really, the dog should just work on being a better dog. People are different, I am different, and we all like different things in people. What I need to do is take this list of things that I think are bad and analyze each one and see what I can do to retain the trait and lose the negativity, if any ~truly~ exists.
1. I am impatient.
- So I will just have to learn to be more patient, or find ways to speed things up without being rude or emotional.
2. I am too quick to point out when something is wrong.
- That is because I have a critical eye (a really good thing). I just need to point the information out that NEEDS to be pointed out and keep the rest to myself.
3. I let small things trigger an out-of-proportion reaction.
- Exercise better control and really think before doing anything. Change my reflex from react to think.
4. I cannot just relax and play games.
- I actually can… very well. 1, 2, and 3 get in the way here.
5. I cannot just hang out.
- Not a REAL issue. Again, see 1, 2, and 3.
6. I have to have a purpose or I won’t do it.
- How is this a bad thing? Sometimes the purpose is no more than just doing it.
7. I know what I want.
- Again, probably not a bad thing. Better methods of asserting my desires are called for.
8. I am bossy.
- Assert myself more constructively. I do this very well in a professional setting, so maybe I should port my habits over to the personal realm.
9. I am not fun to be around all the time.
- No one is. It’s life. Get over it.
10. I am picky.
- Yep.