Brett H Perkins – Murfreesboro, Tennessee

My thoughts… My experiences… My life.

Just an Update :: Nothing Earth-Shattering :)

Posted by bretthperkins on March 17, 2010

So…  I thought I would write a little before getting back to work.  It’s been a bit since I last blogged.  Not much has really changed or happened, honestly…  which is not  a bad thing.  :)

I have been spending a considerable time with my friend Meadow. We went to grade school together.  I really enjoy talking to her.  I wish that we had taken the opportunities in school to get closer, but we didn’t, so it’s all good.  I am just really glad that we are now.  :)   She and I have a lot in common, and have a lot of similar issues, so it really comes as no surprise that the powers-that-be decided to bring her back into my life at this point, as I am actively changing and moving on from my demons… and she is too.  In talking to her about some things, it is like I am talking to myself.  I am telling her the same things that I should be telling myself…  and that is good.  It is also good to have someone in the same boat – someone that understands.  I am not alone in the feelings I have, and there is a tremendous amount of comfort in that, and it helps re-enforce the truth that I am not weird, subpar, or otherwise inferior to those around me simply because the circumstances and situations that make up my history have tainted my outlook for so long.  I just have dwelled on it and not moved passed it when others have.  Of course others’ lives have been different, too…  some are easier, some are harder, but they are all different and we all just have to “grow a pair,” deal with it, and move on.  :)

I have kinda taken a break from working out like I have.  I wasn’t going ALL that much, but some things have come up, some time has been taken away from when I would normally work-out, and a slight break never hurt anybody.  I am still losing weight, and I am still eating SO much better than I ever have…  so it is all good.  It is not the end of the world if I do not work out for a couple of weeks.  I plan on going back on next Monday.  We’ll see how it goes. :)   So far, though, according to my scales this morning, I have lost a total of 48 pounds so far.  I started at 274 lbs on Nov 1, 2009 and today, I weight 226.  I am SO proud of that progress and I know that I will continue that momentum.  I think that when I hit 50 lbs, I am going to have a party. :) and eat!  Heck… I will have earned it.

Nashville in Harmony is still going well.  We finished the promotional materials for the most part, and the poster is at the printer, so that is good.  Just a few more tweaks to work out, and we will be all done.

I have decided to stop sharp-blogger.  I came to this decision after realizing that I was just re-inventing the wheel.  I think that I am going to morph sharp-blogger from a blog system to a C# blogging programmer’s reference where I, and others, can collaborate on C# projects.  Heck, I may just make Sharp-Blogger my site for technology blogs.  IDK.  I know that I am going to split out bretthperkins.com and brett :: open source.  Maybe I will move brett :: open source to sharp-blogger?!  Anywho, I am going to use the ‘Blog Engine .NET’ framework as my primary content management system and build a custom site around that.  It will be significantly less work with an identical payoff, so it is a win-win.

With that, it’s now pretty much 1:00 so I should get back to work.  I’m playing in Info Path.  And it kinda sucks. :(   BUT… it is work… and I wanted work.

-=brett=-

Posted in Diet, Friends, Health, Technology, Thought, Work | Leave a Comment »

Moods. Moods. and More Moods. -!-

Posted by bretthperkins on March 8, 2010

So what gives?!  LOL.  The age old question, I suppose…  but why can’t I just be happy all the time?!?  Can I get a pill for that?  Kidding!  But seriously…  what is up with moods?

Like… I understand and accept that I will change moods.   That is fine, but I am having a really hard time accepting the severity and speed with which my moods change.  I can’t say with any certainty that there is anything new in these mood swings, or if they have always been there and I am just now paying them attention, but either way…  They need some work.  I noticed on Saturday, for example, that I was feeling great, went to get Kendra, spent time with her and most of my family, and was really happy.  Then, on the way home, I started to feel kinda down…  but nothing really major.

On Sunday, it was about the same, actually…  I woke pretty happy, had lunch with Kendra (Hey, this window is transparent!), and then went to Jozoara.  My mood changed between lunch and JoZoara, then got better again as I headed into Nashville for rehearsal.  I was pretty happy.  I was happy all the way until I got home…  Then I had dinner.  That’s it!!!

It is triggered by food.  Ah, I love blogging!!  For so long, I have been fat.  Yes, I know that there are fatter people out there, and yes, I know that being fat isn’t the worse thing in the world… anywho, moving on…  I have been fat.  And I have loathed myself for it.  I hated myself.  I feel like I should write in here that this is not about to be a “Woe is me – cry me a river – sad story.”  I am going somewhere with this. :)   Anywho…  because I hated myself, I continued to just be who I was because no matter what, I there was never anything I could do about it.  No matter what I would just be fat.  And I was internally so hard on myself.  I was so angry that I could not make the changes necessary to make a better me, and I was so mad at the world for placing so much emphasis on looks.  In the real world, or at least in my perception of the real world, fat people were not worthy of being loved, so I did not feel all the love that was around me every day.  Anywho, all that is to say that all of those feelings of neglect, abandonment, pity, anger, jealousy, and hate festered in me and grew so strong that I was no longer stable.  Anything would set me off.  Sure, I could control it for a while, but eventually, it all came up and came out.  Ask any of my friends… I can blow up like Mt. St. Helen’s.  (Btw, I still have all of these friends, so clearly the feelings of abandonment and neglect are irrational…  clearly I have never been alone, and I have always been loved!) Anyway, so how does all of that relate to how this bog started?!  Well…  it is a vivid truth that there is usually only one way to become fat (barring medical conditions) and that is to eat bad foods and stay sedentary.  So in my mind, those bad foods are a very real, tangible manifestation of those terrible emotions that have existed in me for SO long.  I have worked so hard to purge myself of all of this negativity that, emotionally, eating those bad foods is like I am eating neglect, abandonment, pity, anger, jealousy, and hate.  And when I eat them, I feel them…  and my mood changes!  Of course, what is wrong is my association of those foods to emotions, not the fact that I ate those foods.  There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with having those foods as long as they are not your norm.  They have to be the exception.  (And they are so, so yummy!)

I have never really understood the importance of a “cheat” day until this moment.  It is not about the food!  It is about allowing me freedom.  Freedom to understand that I am not perfect, that I am going to do things that are not healthy.  And you know what?!  All of that is perfectly ok!!!  I am not going to magically gain back the 43 lbs that I have already lost because I had one bad day!  The important thing here is that I have committed to a lifestyle of health, and in that health is not only nutrition and exercise.  It is in the mind. I know that if I can lose 43 pounds in 18 weeks, and if I can maintain a 2-per-week gym routine, and now jog 2 miles when I could barely walk up more than 3 flights of stairs, then I can have one bad day a week without feeling bad about it.

I cannot continue eating yesterday’s hate, in doing so, I will never be able to enjoy today’s love.

-=brett=-

Posted in Diet, Health, Thought | 1 Comment »

Being Gay and Finding Love :: It’s So Complicated!

Posted by bretthperkins on March 4, 2010

You see it all the time in movies, on T.V., and to some degree within your circle of friends.  THAT person walks into the coffee shop and your eyes meet, then you smile, and if the other person smiles back and stay glued to your eyes, you know that this may go somewhere.  Of course, it may go nowhere.  You never know…  The point is that when you see it, you know it.  Here is the problem, though…  This sequence of events is only easy for straight people.  Allow me to explain.  When you are straight, all you have to do is be yourself and if someone of the opposite sex smiles at you *that way*, then you know.  There is usually no question, and regardless of what some may claim, the overwhelmingly vast majority of people are straight, so the likelihood that the person to whom you are smiling is straight is probably high.  There is relatively no risk.  And if, by chance, that person is not straight, the worst that will happen is an awkward laugh and a good-bye.  Usually, a gay person is not offended if they are called straight.

Now, let’s examine that scenario in ‘HomoVision’.  (It’ll catch on).  Imagine that I am sitting at a coffee shop table, or perhaps I am in line.  What happens when I see a guy that catches my eye?  Well…  externally, nothing…  There is too much fear.  I can’t immediately smile *like that* at him.  Why, he may not be gay.  At the moment I see him, instead of acting naturally, I am forced to truly analyze the situation…  I have to watch him, study him…  Look for hints.  Sure, I can say hello, I can shake his hand… but I can’t flirt, I can’t send *those* signals.  Unlike when a gay person is called straight, a straight person being called gay is almost always considered an attack or insult, and there is never really any good way of knowing how that person will react.  Will they get mad?  Will they laugh?  Will they beat the ever-living-Jesus out of me?  I can never know.  So…  That is it.  Nothing happens.  It ends there.  I mean, sometimes you can REALLY tell if a person is gay…  As we have put it before, some gay guys walk around on a cloud as skittles fall out of their butt with each step…  but hell, even then there are doubts:.  Afterall, Richard Simmons says he is straight. *clears throat while rolling eyes*  So you see where I am going…  It is TOO hard to really be myself.  I cannot convey the emotion of liking someone and I dare not  flirt unless, somehow, I already know they are gay.

So where does that leave me?  Well, for security’s sake, that leaves 3 places that I can find gay people without fear.  But with each of those places, there are inherent problems.  Maybe the problems are my perception, maybe they are not my perception at all.  At any rate, I have issues:

  1. Online: While I dare not claim that ALL people online are only looking for sex, it becomes very clear that MOST of them are… so when I talk to people on there, I am skeptical.  With every “Hello” I ask myself if they really want to talk or do they just want to “hook up?” So I cannot really carry on a real conversation.  It seems like they all NEVER want to go out and meet somewhere…  and 60% of them have pictures on the site that are, shall I say, not “lady like.”  So it would appear that finding real quality people, honestly, is out of the picture here.  Moving on…
  2. Bars/Clubs: At least here, I get to see real honest to goodness people in the real world.  The only bad part is they are all drunk and it is incredibly loud.  Any chance at a real conversation is slim and the odds are, too, that the other person is looking for sex and nothing else.  There seems to be a lack of real quality here.  And, similarly to the online thing, I am immediately skeptical of any guy because I cannot know their true intentions.  Of course, I suppose that I am not supposed to know their intentions…  Taking a risk is part of the game… I get that… but really!?  Why does it have to be game?!  Srsly…  moving on.
  3. Pride Events and/or Gay Oriented Community Groups: While I find it very admirable that people have the strength and the courage to be “in your face” about being gay…  that is not my style.  Don’t get me wrong, I will fight when I need to fight, and I will stand up for me and others to injustice and hate, but I do not believe that it is appropriate to make EVERYTHING about being gay then be in your face about it.  I do not like any movement that thrives off of confrontation.  I dislike groups like the NAACP for this reason as well.  We can all get along, and we can all make our points, without being confrontational or over the top.  Anyway, back to the point at hand…  the people at the events, or in these groups, are usually WAY over the top and have such a chip on their shoulder I will never have know what to expect from any situation.  I will wind up arguing or defending more than loving the person, so finding love there is pretty much a no-go, unless I am ready to wave a banner and dress in drag.

So there it is…  I don’t really know what else to do or where else to go.  Although, as I am writing this…  I am beginning to think that there may be a “me” aspect to all of this as well.  I am analytical by nature.  I try to figure stuff out and I think… constantly.  Maybe I am just over thinking each scenario?  Maybe the answer here is to just do my thing and let sh!t happen.  I guess I really cannot be so ready to assume what others are like strictly on the environment.  And maybe I should be open to taking more risks?  Who cares if I smile at the straight guy?  Who cares if the cutie-hot-oh-my-GOD-guy just wants sex?  I will find out all I need to find out with time… THEN make the decision.

All I know is that, so far, all of this thinking has left me in one place, and one place only:

In a coffee shop.  Scared.  And Alone.

-=brett=-

Posted in Rant, Thought | 2 Comments »

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