Brett H Perkins – Murfreesboro, Tennessee

My thoughts… My experiences… My life.

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    Brett Perkins
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In Transition

Posted by bretthperkins on July 20, 2011

I lived in Murfreesboro, with roommates, for the last 8 years, but because I work in Nashville and I increasingly find myself spending more and more time in Nashville (for various reasons), I decided it was time to make the move. So I did. The move began last Thursday… In record time, I am unpacked and settled into my new place. It is now less than a week later and I already have my boxes unpacked, art on the walls, furniture and décor arranged, and utilities/cable/Internet turned on. I wanted to quickly get my apartment ready for friends and guests… because I know that I am going to need them. Almost my entire social support system is in Murfreesboro. My closest friends are now all 45 minutes away… Of course, in the grand scheme of things, 45 minutes is not THAT far… but it represents a significant change for me, and it is a change that scares me. Of course, I am now a lot closer to some of my family, and that is helpful, but despite how much I love my family, I cannot get from them what I need from my friends.

It is such a change… I am astounded by what all I miss. I miss the sound of the door opening downstairs knowing that Eric is home. Each time, I would get this happy and excited feeling like a puppy when its owner comes home. (I realize how weird that may sound as I am not Eric’s pet, but it is the best analogy I could come up with.) I also miss coming home to him sitting on the couch, laptop open, watching Drop Dead Diva or some other show… and I miss completely hijacking his show just to talk or go get dinner. I miss Marco’s Pizza. :p I miss calling up any number of people for random trips to the movies or a restaurant. I am going to miss my frequent breakfasts with Victoria at Mimi’s Café. I miss the dinners with Joseph, Caleb, Brian, Medardo, Jenn, Chris, or Lindsay. I miss JoZoara. I am going to miss the trips to Lanes, Trains, and Automobiles for karaoke and bowling. It is like I left part of my heart in Murfreesboro. I feel the absence of those pieces of me that are still in Murfreesboro. I feel it in the pit of my stomach.

When I come home… everything is still exactly where I placed it. There are no surprises. Nobody to stand behind the door and jump out at me, like Eric often would, to make me jump only to get keys thrown at them so hard that it leaves a bruise. There is no one for which I can cook or bring home dinner. There is no one to drink with randomly on any given day… just because. I will miss the random shots of Jack Daniels that would just appear (from Eric) next to my glass of coke or something… :p And I could go on and on forever.

Everyone that I have talked to about living alone, though, has told me that I will grow to love it, and they are probably correct. I like the cleanliness and the order… I am slightly OCD. :p I like the quiet, although sometimes it is so quiet that it, ironically, becomes deafening. I like that I can just do my own thing, invite a person over and not worry about scheduling things around a roommate.  I can have a date in my own place without the awkwardness of someone else being there. Over time, I am sure that I will realize that what I like will outweigh what I miss… I can’t wait until that time comes, as I imagine that living will be a lot easier then. But for now, I am in this awkward transitional place filled with mixed moments of complete sadness, pride that I have arrived to a place in my life where I no longer need a roommate, utter comfort and relaxation, fear that things will never be as happy as they were, excitement that the future will be even better, and all things in between…

Brett

Posted in Friends, Thought | Leave a Comment »

I Want to be More Proud of Pride

Posted by bretthperkins on June 18, 2011

While the arguments against homosexuality are many, and include religion’s condemnation, that it is against nature, or that it somehow damages children, the one biggest problem we face is a self-deprecating and internally propagated stereotype. Among many, if not all, of the people that have issue with the existence of homosexuality is an idea of what gay people are. They believe we are nothing more than sex-craved men, usually with minimal clothing, that take to the streets once a year to flaunt a lifestyle in the faces of world. We dress in drag, party all night, and then we go home. With only that image from which to draw a conclusion, it is no surprise that we are not taken more seriously.

Imagine that you are in a courtroom. The case is robbery. On the stand is an eye-witness to the crime. In a suit and tie, with a tearful and emotional testimony, he captivates the jury with his tale of survival and horror as the events of the crime unfolded. Every breath he takes, and every sentence he forms is serious, real, and with meaning. Now imagine that the person giving that testimony was dressed as a clown. What was once a captivated jury is now an impatient panel of 12 people that gloss over with every word this man speaks. While his testimony does not change, the perception of the person does which in turn alters the message. No one can take this witness seriously in a clown suit… he is a joke.

To a lot of the world we (gay people) are a joke. We are figuratively the punch lines… And sometimes, tragically, we are literally punch lines. Our messages cannot be heard. No one can see past the mask of the makeup to hear that we are very real, very hurt, and very serious. Why? Because all the world knows about is festivals like the one going on as I type this today in Nashville. Today is our annual Gay Pride Festival. While, in spirit, I am 100% behind what I believe to be a very well-intended message, our delivery is a miss. Pride is defined as “a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one’s position or character.” But our pride is filled with drag queens and half-naked men prancing about the river-front for only a few hours one day a year. That’s it. That is all we can organize ourselves to do. To be fair, I am being very general here, and I know that there are very real motives and messages being delivered. I also know that what I just mentioned does not represent 100% of those in attendance at the festival. I am not that naïve. What causes me the most trouble is that the motivation for many of the people there, unfortunately, is not to advance a cause or educate the world on the wrongs done to our people. The motivation is attention. It is sex. And it feeds right into the hands of those that would love nothing more than to continue not taking us seriously.

It may seem to some like I just do not get it, or I do not like the festival. To be honest, I have not a single a problem with the festival. But that is all it is: just a festival. What I have a problem with is that this seems to be the only day that people, in bulk, give a shit about what is going on. And this saddens me. Now, I feel compelled to state that I know that there are many organizations that attempt to advance causes all days of the year and I applaud you and join you. But the overwhelming majority, as I have observed, simply do not care… until days like today.

Picture, for a moment, a world where all of the people that went to a pride festival sat in a courtroom where two men/women cannot marry. We could make an impact. What if we all went to the capital and peacefully demonstrated to them that we do not think that it is wrong to say gay? What if we fed the starving, showed compassion to the homeless, or stood in solidarity with any of the other groups that, like us, face adversity? Maybe then we would find ourselves in the company of groups that would see us for more than they have been able to see us thus far. Maybe then we can be taken seriously enough to have our message heard. Maybe then would we deserve “what is due to oneself or one’s position or character…” When we only give the world days like today, it comes as no surprise that this is all the world sees. Pride is not about today. Pride is not about a parade, or drag queens, or sex, or parties. Pride should live in your heart, move with your actions, and change the world.

Pride can be every day.

Posted in Thought | Leave a Comment »

A Step in the Right Direction

Posted by bretthperkins on June 12, 2011

Is it possible to think too much about what other people think about you? This is a tricky subject; I think most people care about being cared about. And most people want to be liked. Granted, there are people out there that really could care less, and perhaps they are correct, but for me, I have cared too much about how people perceive me. It seems as though I have gotten so lost in caring about how people perceive me, that I have forgotten to just be me. At times, I think about everything… I think about the words I use and the reactions I have. I think about the tone of my voice, the weight of my gestures, and the style of my walk. I think about the foods that I order, the drinks I enjoy, and the topics of conversation I bring up. I think about so much that I get so distracted in my head that reality becomes distant. Sometimes, my streams of thought become so distracting that the ability to respond to the everyday stimulus of the world around me becomes all but paralyzed. But something I have not really and honestly asked myself is why. Why do I feel it necessary to do all of this?

I have come to the realization that I have allowed the negative aspects of life dominate my perspective of myself. I sometimes think that I am too gay, or effeminate. I have thought that I am not a good person because I am overweight or losing my hair. I get a little carried away sometimes in being correct, that I can become condescending. I can be somewhat bossy. These, among others, are things that society and pop culture have decided are bad or abnormal. The fact of the matter is that they are neither bad nor abnormal. They make up who I am, and I have to learn to honestly love these things about me. Yes, there are some interpersonal things that could still use some improvement, and I will continue to try, but the people that really matter will stick around long enough to know that all of it is well intentioned. But somehow, I have gotten it stuck in my head that I am nothing more than a loud overly gay fat guy that people do not like… and that is simply not true. I am surrounded by countless people that honestly and genuinely care about me and like me, but I have not truly been able to see it… until now.

I started writing this entry not to talk about the above paragraph. I was going to write another message entirely. I was starting to go down the path of reinforcing all that I believed about myself was true and that I need to work harder in changing myself so I could be liked by more people. It was going to be a step in the same direction that has led me down paths to very dark places in myself, my heart, and my mind…

You see, I have been seeing a lot of myself recently. I realize how narcissistic that sounds, but it will all make sense in a moment. I have spent a better part of the last week editing videos of a trip that my chorus, Nashville in Harmony, took last weekend. In those videos, as expected, there was footage of me. As I watched the footage of me walking, talking, waving, and just being, I had some all-too-common thoughts: “Man… I am SOOOO gay!” or “Damn… I am really big.” or “Wow! Look how shiny my head is.” I cringed. I felt terrible. I knew that I had a lot of work yet to do… but before I could continue those thoughts, something else happened; a new thought popped into my mind. I looked at myself without a critical eye and I saw a happy person. Over the weekend, I was able to just exist. I didn’t have to think about what others thought. I didn’t have to assemble a plan in my mind to make sure that the perception people have of me was within my control. It isn’t. It never was. And it really doesn’t matter. I am never going to be liked by everyone. They will have their reasons, crafted by their own lives and experiences, and they will come and go. That is okay. Normal. And, most importantly, that has nothing at all to do with me. Of course, if I were a mean or awful person, then of course it would have something to do with me, but I am neither mean nor awful. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Can I say the wrong thing? Of course. Will I make a person or two mad in my lifetime? Absolutely. But inflicting harm has never been, and will never be, my intention. A person may not like me because I am overweight. That is okay. They don’t have to, and that doesn’t mean they are a bad person. They just are who they are. Their loss. A person may hear something I say out of context and choose not to like me. That is okay. If I am of any kind of importance to them, they will come to me and we can clear the air. If I make a choice that another does not like, and it is hurtful to them, then they will just either have to get over it and accept it as the truth that I didn’t intend to hurt them, or hold a grudge and avoid me. Either way… it is not really my problem. At this point I am rambling… but all of that was just to say this:

I don’t have to overthink. I don’t have to examine and re-examine everything that I do. I have the obligation and the right to be me. As long as I do that honestly and with good intentions, then all will fall into place. Anyone that does not have the time, will, or desire to understand me cannot be rewarded the privilege of a friendship with me… and I am perfectly okay with that. It is time to stop walking on egg-shells changing my life for the sake of my perception to others and start living my life for me! The people that are supposed to be here will be, and all others, were never meant to be a part of my life in the first place.

Posted in Randomness, Thought | 2 Comments »

 
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